Dominance vs Respect
While enjoying a contemporary romance novel this evening I read something that jarred me. The female main character pondered the prevalence of dominating alpha male in romances. She then ponders that her love interest while being great in bed and rather direct doesn't boss her around because he respects her. I've repeatedly come across this type of thinking and can't wrap my head around why it is so difficult to grasp the idea of a male led relation that includes respect for the female partner.
I've wondered if in our attempt to equalize the sexes we have prioritized what is "proper" over what actually works. I've never seen a well functioning enterprise that had no leader. Everything simply cannot be completely equal all the time. Now I don't think this means that anyone should be disrespected but I don't equate leadership with disrespect. Maybe that is the issue, in western society people who label as leaders often show blatant disregard for those they are supposedly leading. Internalizing that not only effects our expectation and experiences in the workforce but it also spills over into our intimacy relationships. Associations are strong things and often not consciously thought through. Behaviour that I might find neutral or enjoyable could send another woman up in arms, the odd thing to me is when they are up in arms over relationships they aren't in.
I've often wondered if other women think about how demeaning it is to insist that a woman not structuring her life in a way you are comfortable with is not just doing it wrong but too something to realize how horrible her situation is. The same kind of paternalistic attitude that women hate in men is being displayed when the "I know better than you what is good for you" conversations start. I'm not advocating looking the other way when another woman needs help, I'm saying that women who are in need of help don't rediscover their personal strength by being infantilized. She knows when shit isn't good and her reasons for continuing in that situation are often unfathomable to others but need to be respected. Offer help, be there but don't judge. Even when you have been in similar situations remembering that your experience and coping mechanisms and point of no return is yours and everyone's is individual.
Now even more annoying is a woman, like myself in a good relationship with a dominating alpha male who adores and respects me. Trust that as a grown ass woman when I say I'm happy, I'm happy. I don't feel disrespected by having a clear delineation of roles in which he is the boss. I'm generally puzzled by women who only seek out relationships with men who let them make all the decisions or adhere to the fifty fifty ideal that has been preached without actually having a clear guideline. To me that would be stressful as hell. I'm pretty sure that's why I was attracted to bdsm, M/s in particular. Within that subculture I found people whose relationship structure mirrored mine. Even within this haven of like minded individuals there were those who insisted that he couldn't really really be the boss because I could call a halt at any time. It boggles me that it never seemed to occur to those folks that he could end things just as easily so neither of us held the power as related to the continuation of the relationship.
I saw relationships that baffled me and seriously did not appeal to me but I tried and still try to keep in mind that I don't have to get it. I don't have to want it myself for it to be the right choice for someone else. Just as I have the right to seek what makes me happy whether mainstream or not so do all the other women. Obviously men do as well and there are plenty of configurations in M/s that aren't male dominant female submissive, but since that is my experience and what's on my mind I'm speaking to that specific dynamic. I've had people tell me that Das is mean and scary and often I'm thinking that their dominant partner is mean and scary, it's all about perception and preferences. I don't have a kink of humiliation so treating me in such a way that I would find it humiliating especially in public isn't something we do. Others do. The expression of respect is highly individualized but the core of it is not treating people as you wish to be treated but treating people as they wish to be treated.
I've wondered if in our attempt to equalize the sexes we have prioritized what is "proper" over what actually works. I've never seen a well functioning enterprise that had no leader. Everything simply cannot be completely equal all the time. Now I don't think this means that anyone should be disrespected but I don't equate leadership with disrespect. Maybe that is the issue, in western society people who label as leaders often show blatant disregard for those they are supposedly leading. Internalizing that not only effects our expectation and experiences in the workforce but it also spills over into our intimacy relationships. Associations are strong things and often not consciously thought through. Behaviour that I might find neutral or enjoyable could send another woman up in arms, the odd thing to me is when they are up in arms over relationships they aren't in.
I've often wondered if other women think about how demeaning it is to insist that a woman not structuring her life in a way you are comfortable with is not just doing it wrong but too something to realize how horrible her situation is. The same kind of paternalistic attitude that women hate in men is being displayed when the "I know better than you what is good for you" conversations start. I'm not advocating looking the other way when another woman needs help, I'm saying that women who are in need of help don't rediscover their personal strength by being infantilized. She knows when shit isn't good and her reasons for continuing in that situation are often unfathomable to others but need to be respected. Offer help, be there but don't judge. Even when you have been in similar situations remembering that your experience and coping mechanisms and point of no return is yours and everyone's is individual.
Now even more annoying is a woman, like myself in a good relationship with a dominating alpha male who adores and respects me. Trust that as a grown ass woman when I say I'm happy, I'm happy. I don't feel disrespected by having a clear delineation of roles in which he is the boss. I'm generally puzzled by women who only seek out relationships with men who let them make all the decisions or adhere to the fifty fifty ideal that has been preached without actually having a clear guideline. To me that would be stressful as hell. I'm pretty sure that's why I was attracted to bdsm, M/s in particular. Within that subculture I found people whose relationship structure mirrored mine. Even within this haven of like minded individuals there were those who insisted that he couldn't really really be the boss because I could call a halt at any time. It boggles me that it never seemed to occur to those folks that he could end things just as easily so neither of us held the power as related to the continuation of the relationship.
I saw relationships that baffled me and seriously did not appeal to me but I tried and still try to keep in mind that I don't have to get it. I don't have to want it myself for it to be the right choice for someone else. Just as I have the right to seek what makes me happy whether mainstream or not so do all the other women. Obviously men do as well and there are plenty of configurations in M/s that aren't male dominant female submissive, but since that is my experience and what's on my mind I'm speaking to that specific dynamic. I've had people tell me that Das is mean and scary and often I'm thinking that their dominant partner is mean and scary, it's all about perception and preferences. I don't have a kink of humiliation so treating me in such a way that I would find it humiliating especially in public isn't something we do. Others do. The expression of respect is highly individualized but the core of it is not treating people as you wish to be treated but treating people as they wish to be treated.
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