Musing on youth and femininity

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My mother and I were chatting a few days ago and she mentioned that I look younger in recent pictures than I did in pictures my cousin had posted on facebook that were taken when I was 17. This is not the first time she's said that I look younger now than I did when I was younger and I've been thinking about it.

I do look younger in a way, I look lighter in spirit. I believe my happiness is evident in the way I hold my body and in my smile. The despair I felt living in my parent's house that I tried to hide came through no matter what.

Something else that I don't think is as obvious is the comfort with myself as a girlishly feminine woman that I've come into makes a huge difference. When I was  growing up I felt torn about displaying femininity. My dad disdained femininity and expected me to be tough. While I was supposed to be properly presentable as a daughter I wasn't supposed to act like "those girls". Even though my inclinations leaned toward typically girliness it wasn't encouraged, it was seen as a sign of weakness and evidence of silliness. Now I'm allowed to be silly, in fact Das loves my silly nature. He delights in my girlish ways and I've said before in some ways I feel like I'm growing backwards with him. I've had to be so adult from a young age and now I get to be as young as I've always felt. I no longer have to fake being a grown up.  It feels wonderful and it shows.

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