Mothers and Fathers
A thought flitted across my brain last night that I still haven't unraveled. I find myself annoyed when I hear people celebrate single mothers on father's day for being both mother and father as well as single fathers on mother's day for being both father and mother. Something about it just doesn't feel right to me.
Maybe because of the subtle insinuation of the necessity of a father and mother in a child's life to the point that one person is obligated to be both as if simply being who they are to their child isn't good enough. Not all single parents are without support systems or even co parents and yet the idea is still pervasive that if a child is not brought up in a 2 parent (with parents of opposite genders) family then there is a fundamental lack that must be compensated for in the child's life.
In the case of a gay couple with a child it's so obvious that there are two parents who are dads (or moms) that I don't think it occurs to anyone to suggest they celebrate mother's & father's day. With a single parent since there is the missing partner of the parenting set it's easier to fall into the unquestioned nuclear family ideal trap and convolute the facts to fit within it.
It also makes me wonder about just how tightly we cling to gender norms. A single father who braids his child's hair is being a mother and a single mother who teaches her son to play basketball is being a father? Why are activities gendered so strongly in the first place? Why can't we honestly say that so and so doesn't have a mother but has a kick ass father who does what needs doing including the more nurturing aspects of parenting?
Like I said I still haven't sussed it all out but something about it just feels off to me. It feels like something said with the intention to honor single parents is actually quietly undermining them.
Maybe because of the subtle insinuation of the necessity of a father and mother in a child's life to the point that one person is obligated to be both as if simply being who they are to their child isn't good enough. Not all single parents are without support systems or even co parents and yet the idea is still pervasive that if a child is not brought up in a 2 parent (with parents of opposite genders) family then there is a fundamental lack that must be compensated for in the child's life.
In the case of a gay couple with a child it's so obvious that there are two parents who are dads (or moms) that I don't think it occurs to anyone to suggest they celebrate mother's & father's day. With a single parent since there is the missing partner of the parenting set it's easier to fall into the unquestioned nuclear family ideal trap and convolute the facts to fit within it.
It also makes me wonder about just how tightly we cling to gender norms. A single father who braids his child's hair is being a mother and a single mother who teaches her son to play basketball is being a father? Why are activities gendered so strongly in the first place? Why can't we honestly say that so and so doesn't have a mother but has a kick ass father who does what needs doing including the more nurturing aspects of parenting?
Like I said I still haven't sussed it all out but something about it just feels off to me. It feels like something said with the intention to honor single parents is actually quietly undermining them.
Hi Emmie
ReplyDeleteI clicked on your blog for the first time, and a "content warning" page popped up, like they do for sexually explicit websites. Were you aware and do you know why that is?
Hi, I chose to add the content warning due to the fact that some of the things I write about are controversial and include human sexuality, bdsm and details of my personal life. My writing isn't pornographic by any means but it also isn't appropriate for everyone and that was my way of cautioning folks up front.
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