Sex Talk for Boys
I remember a conversation with a friend who happens to have several male children. At the time one was in his mid teens and starting to date. She brought up the point that in telling him he should not rape she was giving him no credit for being a decent person. And you know I agree with her to a degree.
If their conversation went something like "son you know you shouldn't rape girls, if she says no then everything stops" Well hell if I were him I'd be pretty insulted. But what about conversations more along these lines...
"son you know sexual activity has many areas that seem vague in the heat of the moment and because of sociaetial pressures peopel often agreed to things they don't actually want to do. You are not at fault for listening to what someone says to you and following through with it but if you learn to read body language your interactions will more likely be amazing and free from unforeseen fallout in most cases. I know you, you're an honorable young man and I know you wouldn't want to inadvertently do something your partner isn't truly down for even if she's verbally agreeing at the time. Most of the time this type of thing has nothing to do with her playing games or with you not being a good person. It's a sad expression of the confusion many youth have with the varied and conflicting sexual messages they get from society, family, peers and their own desires. Not everyone waits to start exploring sexually until they have consciously worked through these things so sometimes things will come up.
The best way I know of to minimize these kinds of miscommunications is to be aware of not only what's being said but of body language. It's not an unobtainable skill and in fact it's one you've been practicing since you were a child. You know when to tread lightly if I'm in a bad mood whether I've actually expressed it or not because you know me and understand my way of being. That is what I want you to wait for, be with someone with whom you have that kind of unspoken understanding. Knowing each other goes a long way to avoiding hurtful situations on both parts. And this isn't about you being a guy, it's about you being a person who deserves the best experience possible. Also never forget that the ability to say no or call a time out to regroup is not the sole purview of the girl. You have every right to slow these down if you feel uncomfortable for any reason. You don't owe anyone sexual intimacy but you do owe yourself honesty and authenticity.
If their conversation went something like "son you know you shouldn't rape girls, if she says no then everything stops" Well hell if I were him I'd be pretty insulted. But what about conversations more along these lines...
"son you know sexual activity has many areas that seem vague in the heat of the moment and because of sociaetial pressures peopel often agreed to things they don't actually want to do. You are not at fault for listening to what someone says to you and following through with it but if you learn to read body language your interactions will more likely be amazing and free from unforeseen fallout in most cases. I know you, you're an honorable young man and I know you wouldn't want to inadvertently do something your partner isn't truly down for even if she's verbally agreeing at the time. Most of the time this type of thing has nothing to do with her playing games or with you not being a good person. It's a sad expression of the confusion many youth have with the varied and conflicting sexual messages they get from society, family, peers and their own desires. Not everyone waits to start exploring sexually until they have consciously worked through these things so sometimes things will come up.
The best way I know of to minimize these kinds of miscommunications is to be aware of not only what's being said but of body language. It's not an unobtainable skill and in fact it's one you've been practicing since you were a child. You know when to tread lightly if I'm in a bad mood whether I've actually expressed it or not because you know me and understand my way of being. That is what I want you to wait for, be with someone with whom you have that kind of unspoken understanding. Knowing each other goes a long way to avoiding hurtful situations on both parts. And this isn't about you being a guy, it's about you being a person who deserves the best experience possible. Also never forget that the ability to say no or call a time out to regroup is not the sole purview of the girl. You have every right to slow these down if you feel uncomfortable for any reason. You don't owe anyone sexual intimacy but you do owe yourself honesty and authenticity.
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