Dissapointment
Today I received a letter from the marriage tribunal letting me know that not one of my witnesses has turned in their testimony. It's frustrating as a month or two ago they'd told me the same thing and I contacted everyone and was assured by them all that they would get right on it. In two cases they ever sent out new questionnaires which the people told me they got.
I think it's always hard to have to depend on someone else to do something that impacts you because you can't control it. Having both experienced it and listened to others talk about it in a work setting I know most are familiar with the annoyance that comes from others holding up progress. This though is more than that because it's not just work it's personally important to me.
I've made no secret of my desire to complete RCIA classes and be confirmed as well as to have a proper church wedding. Neither of these things can be done if I'm not granted a nullity and I know one is not guaranteed but to have the opportunity taken from me not due to meeting the requirements but due to other people not making their part that they agreed to do a priority, that sucks. It also hurts my feelings.
I've struggled with not feeling like "enough" my entire life. I didn't feel that I mattered enough to my parents or my first two husbands. Even with Das there was a period early in our relationship when I felt I was always playing second fiddle. It's a hard feeling for me to deal with in a reasonable manner because it seriously pushes my buttons and takes me back to that place of never wanting to want anything or ask for anything because then it wouldn't be so obvious how unimportant I am to people in my life when they don't give it to me. Mentally I know I'm important to my brothers but emotionally what I feel is that I'm important as long as I'm not inconvenient and the fact that what I want in this case means taking time to sit and compose several essays, well that's just too much work and I'm not worth it.
I think I responded pretty rationally by sending text/email letting everyone know that their testimony had not been received and as a result my case would be basically thrown out in 2 weeks according to the marriage tribunal so if they could would they sent them in and if they can't let to let me know so that I know where things stand. What I wanted to do however was to crawl up in a corner and cry about why I am not important enough to be bothered doing something just because it is important to me.
I know that in the large scheme of things this doesn't make them bad people nor is it a comment on my worth but damn it sure feels that way.
I think it's always hard to have to depend on someone else to do something that impacts you because you can't control it. Having both experienced it and listened to others talk about it in a work setting I know most are familiar with the annoyance that comes from others holding up progress. This though is more than that because it's not just work it's personally important to me.
I've made no secret of my desire to complete RCIA classes and be confirmed as well as to have a proper church wedding. Neither of these things can be done if I'm not granted a nullity and I know one is not guaranteed but to have the opportunity taken from me not due to meeting the requirements but due to other people not making their part that they agreed to do a priority, that sucks. It also hurts my feelings.
I've struggled with not feeling like "enough" my entire life. I didn't feel that I mattered enough to my parents or my first two husbands. Even with Das there was a period early in our relationship when I felt I was always playing second fiddle. It's a hard feeling for me to deal with in a reasonable manner because it seriously pushes my buttons and takes me back to that place of never wanting to want anything or ask for anything because then it wouldn't be so obvious how unimportant I am to people in my life when they don't give it to me. Mentally I know I'm important to my brothers but emotionally what I feel is that I'm important as long as I'm not inconvenient and the fact that what I want in this case means taking time to sit and compose several essays, well that's just too much work and I'm not worth it.
I think I responded pretty rationally by sending text/email letting everyone know that their testimony had not been received and as a result my case would be basically thrown out in 2 weeks according to the marriage tribunal so if they could would they sent them in and if they can't let to let me know so that I know where things stand. What I wanted to do however was to crawl up in a corner and cry about why I am not important enough to be bothered doing something just because it is important to me.
I know that in the large scheme of things this doesn't make them bad people nor is it a comment on my worth but damn it sure feels that way.
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