Adventures in Emmieland

I was letting my mind wander and started thinking about the bruhaha about the "Yiu don't know you're beautiful and that's what makes you beautiful" trope brought to the forefront by a song by some boy band a couple years ago. It strikes me as kinda funny that the only interpretation of that statement was negative. We are led to believe that they are advocating low self esteem in girls but what it's more subtle than that. Since it's a bunch of teenage boys singing I'm not going to assume well thought out ideas of feminism or anti feminism. Knowing boys I'd venture to say that what is being put across is less of a desire for girls to think they are homely until a guy comes sweeping in to bestow the label of beauty but instead a way of expressing appreciation of finding a girl who doesn't think her prettiness puts her above mere mortals. The kind of girls who would publicly snub, in the most embarrassing ways possible, an average guy. A better p...

Sometimes it seem to me that in the efforts to achieve an equilibrium in wealth distribution between the races in the states we as black people are losing sight of traditional values that mean more than money. I'm not saying we shouldn't work to have the same opportunities, learn money management, investment, and business management I just think that they shouldn't be placed above love of family, extended support systems within our communities and an understanding of what it means to be truly successful. In times past often due to necessity we as a community knew the value of communal living, of spreading our work and our riches among our loved ones related or not. We did not embrace the rhetoric of individualism. We had a better grasp on the fact that knowing a trade was laudable, not something to be disdained. We understood how important people at all stages of life were to the entire community. Having cousins and grandparents living with you and close to you meant youn...

I recall growing up hearing from various sources that relationships between white men and black women couldn't work. There were accusations of ill intent on his side and even when conceding no ill intent the idea was that push comes to shove he will put being a white man above being your significant other. I didn't buy then or now that those are predestined events. I am now coming to understand more of where those attitudes come from. I know a guy, white with a pretty unapologetically bigoted family who married a woman of color. While they were together he was the outspoken champion against racism even going as far as cutting ties with some family members over their inability to change their ways. It should be noted that before becoming involved with her he'd no ever taken a stance on the issue against his family but when it became personal he stepped up with all the vigor of one discovering the worlds unfairness and zealously sought to eradicate it. Well time passed th...

Thinking about what it means to belong to someone and it occurred to me that you can't really belong to someone unless they also belong to you. I've heard multiple dominant partners say that they are the owners and it's not appropriate for the owned to feel possessive of them. For a time I tried to wrap my head around that and despaired the fact that I never could reach that point. It's something I've come to time and again, feeling guilty for having a strong sense of him being "mine" since I'm his. Now I don't think they have it right. It's not that he shouldn't be mine or that I should not feel possessive of him, the surrender comes into play with the acknowledgement that even though he's mine I can't control him. Trying to exert control over him is the inappropriate thing and I think it's much harder to have a strong sense of owning someone as much as they own you but not only commit to them exerting not only influence but ov...

Sometimes I seriously don't understand people. I get that we all make choices and they aren't all great. Everyone makes mistakes after all but when I see someone making the exact same mistakes repeatedly and sabotaging themselves it both baffles and frustrates me. We know someone who I've been ready to wash my hands of multiple times because I so often feel that we are way more invested in their betterment than they are. At one point to you just step back and let people do what hey gonna do without getting all het up? Does love mean always being there to help them clean up self made messes or is love of yourself and your sanity more important? I'm thinking there is no one answer that fits everyone but man sometimes I wish life came with an instruction manual.

I was reading a novel yesterday, the man character was a woman who went to great lengths to not believe people about the criminal activities she's told about. This made my mind jump to how common it is for people to accept without question negative stories about those they have a relationship with as opposed to seemingly blind belief. I know I've witnessed parents and spouses having both responses, sometimes see both in the same person. It's always odd to witness even in myself.  Last night an idea  came to me. When someone tells you something unflattering about your person they are inadvertently calling your judgment into question. We don't like that so shutting the info out seems like a reasonable knee jerk reaction. We all have our insecurities.  After all we've had someone outside reinforce our fears and in a roundabout way, our judgement. Now when something negative doesn't reinforce some kind of preexisting negative belief then the more likely to fall ...

Once again something I saw on FB has me thinking about something. The question was should parents charge adult children rent. There were a whole lot of yes and a whole lot of no but I don't think a blanket yes or no works. I give my "it depends" vote with no shame. I was charged rent as a young adult and I was at the same time under a curfew and had to follow various and sundry rules put forth by my parents in order to continue a level of control over me that made them but not me, happy. There was always the "if you don't like it there's the door" attitude which definitely contributed to my leaving home for good as soon as I possibly could and swearing to myself that no matter how difficult my life became I would never live under my parents roof again. What I learned from this was how it feels to be expected to take on adult responsibilities while being treated like a child. It wasn't a good feeling and it did nothing to strengthen my relationship ...