sexual agency
So I've finally heard about this sex spreadsheet that was written by a husband for his wife showing how often she turned him down and why. I've seen a few debates about whether he should have written it and whether she should have posted it but seemingly few people are actually addressing the sex issue except to say that no one is owed sex. I agree that no one is owed sex from someone else but I can't be overly harsh about a man desiring sex with his wife (or vice versa) and being dismayed when repeatedly rejected.
I love the sex life I have and feel fortunate that our libidos match pretty well. To think about the plight of being with someone who isn't interested in sex makes me both break out in a cold sweat and want to give offerings to all deities whose province is sexuality. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of being in a relationship with someone and not wanting sex with them. Of course I also admit to having the viewpoint that sex is an important part of romantic relationships. By sex I don't only mean PiV action either but everything that conveys lust, wanting, desire, and caring be it verbal intercourse, sharing longing looks or touches meant to tantalize and tease. Kissing is right up there too. I think the important part isn't so much which specific sex acts are indulged in but the connecting and making known an attraction. It makes me sad when I hear people talking about sex ending after marriage as if it's a foregone conclusion.
Something else I notice is a need for some to diminish the importance of sex and vilify the partner who wants it more. I don't get why something so basic a part of humanity is looked at as frivolous. People naturally want connection and sex is a great way of expressing that. Marriage should be a place where it is enjoyed and explored not the land sex drives go to die.
There is an attitude of entitlement I don't see many people talking about. Not that of a spouse being entitled to sex but that of a spouse unwilling to have sex. Think about it one person feels they have the inalienable right to both not have sex with a partner who desires it but also have that partner not have sex with anyone else as well as not complaining about the lack of sex. Sounds pretty damned entitled to me. Where in that scenario is the give and take? I'm not giving a free pass for someone not feeling sexualy fulfilled to run and sex up the first willing person outside of their relationship, I am pointing out that nothing happens in a vacuum and actions have consequences. I know people who are perfectly able and willing to stay faithful in such situations and I know people who aren't, both types suffer in different ways from such an elemental breakdown in their relationships. People don't want to feel unwanted in general let alone in such a personal way from the one person who alleges to love them above all others.
I think it's much easier to maintain faithfulness in the situation where partners can't have sex for various reasons than when one partner doesn't want sex. When you're prevented from sexual intimacy it's obvious that it's not personal and if possible both people would b/c they want to be with each other. In the other scenario one person is dealing with a direct rejection of not only their body but of the sharing of themselves and the expression of their love. I can only image that experiencing that kind of rejection repeatedly tears apart not only the relationship but the person dealing with the rejection.
I love the sex life I have and feel fortunate that our libidos match pretty well. To think about the plight of being with someone who isn't interested in sex makes me both break out in a cold sweat and want to give offerings to all deities whose province is sexuality. I have a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of being in a relationship with someone and not wanting sex with them. Of course I also admit to having the viewpoint that sex is an important part of romantic relationships. By sex I don't only mean PiV action either but everything that conveys lust, wanting, desire, and caring be it verbal intercourse, sharing longing looks or touches meant to tantalize and tease. Kissing is right up there too. I think the important part isn't so much which specific sex acts are indulged in but the connecting and making known an attraction. It makes me sad when I hear people talking about sex ending after marriage as if it's a foregone conclusion.
Something else I notice is a need for some to diminish the importance of sex and vilify the partner who wants it more. I don't get why something so basic a part of humanity is looked at as frivolous. People naturally want connection and sex is a great way of expressing that. Marriage should be a place where it is enjoyed and explored not the land sex drives go to die.
There is an attitude of entitlement I don't see many people talking about. Not that of a spouse being entitled to sex but that of a spouse unwilling to have sex. Think about it one person feels they have the inalienable right to both not have sex with a partner who desires it but also have that partner not have sex with anyone else as well as not complaining about the lack of sex. Sounds pretty damned entitled to me. Where in that scenario is the give and take? I'm not giving a free pass for someone not feeling sexualy fulfilled to run and sex up the first willing person outside of their relationship, I am pointing out that nothing happens in a vacuum and actions have consequences. I know people who are perfectly able and willing to stay faithful in such situations and I know people who aren't, both types suffer in different ways from such an elemental breakdown in their relationships. People don't want to feel unwanted in general let alone in such a personal way from the one person who alleges to love them above all others.
I think it's much easier to maintain faithfulness in the situation where partners can't have sex for various reasons than when one partner doesn't want sex. When you're prevented from sexual intimacy it's obvious that it's not personal and if possible both people would b/c they want to be with each other. In the other scenario one person is dealing with a direct rejection of not only their body but of the sharing of themselves and the expression of their love. I can only image that experiencing that kind of rejection repeatedly tears apart not only the relationship but the person dealing with the rejection.
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