Adventures in Emmieland

I've always believed in magic. It's just that I don't think magic is not of this world but rather a not well understood part of the word. Yesterday I was taking a nap and dreaming when my dream suddenly paused and my exes face flashed in my head. Not a minute later he called.  When I called my parents house I always knew which parent has answered before they said a word. They had a different feel to the silence before a hello. I thought everyone did that.  I've learned that not everyone does that and in fact many people look at you crazy when you mention doing it. What I don't get is why. I don't think it's some kind of weird superpower it's just being tuned into people you care for. Most people have experienced that don't understand that are inexplicable but that doesn't mean they are unnatural. As far as dreaming true dreams and knowing things slightly before they happen well that probably has something to do with a combination of the non linie...

As much as I am finding I enjoy cooking I can't say that it has overtaken my love for dessert. I like playing with things to see what deliciousness I can come up with. Today's masterpiece is cherry/strawberry crumble. I used cherry pie filling and fresh strawberries a sprinkle of sugar and dry cake mix with putter pats. It looks find smells great do I'm hoping that it taste just as good. If so I'll make it for the potluck we are attending on Friday. 

Sometimes I just get so tired. Tired of never quite getting things on track, tired of not feeling well, tired of trying to learn all the new rules and hoops of living in a new country. Just tired.

I just read a post over on Fet "Ask for what you want" man that is so much easier said than done. The poster made a very good point and it's one I need reminding of often.  Somewhere along the way I came up with the "if they don't offer it to me then I don't want it b/c they obviously don't want to give it" It took ages (decades) for me to realize that I was not only not giving myself the opportunity to get what I wanted I was also selling my people short while also expecting them to have super powers. They should just know, b/c people are great mind readers and all. I know I came to this way of thinking due to a childhood of asking and being not only told no, but told no in the most biting ways possible. And being told no on some pretty basics that really I shouldn't even have had to ask for. I don't feel bad for coming up with a coping mechanism as it served me. The problem is that I held on to it well after it was no longer serving me. U...

Tonight I'm making pizza for dinner. Das has been bearing with my newfound desire to cook strange things and so far he's liked them. I made pizza in the slower cooker a couple weeks ago but tonight's endeavor will be in the regular oven.  Day before yesterday I made a cheesecake from scratch and it wasn't as hard as I always highly it would be. I also made a cheesy chicken rice dish that rocked. Next time though I'll use less broth and an extra can of cream of something soup.  I'm thinking that by removing the expectation that I cook and cook well I've finally come to a place of enjoying cooking. 

I swear if I see "we come from kings and queens" again (today) I may scream. While I totally get the idea of presenting a positive image of Black people in opposition to the all too often negative ones that seem to be everywhere, I cannot make sense of the insistence that ALL Black people are the descendants of kings and queens. I mean in sheer logistics it's not reasonable. If we are all the descendants of the kings and queens then we are all coming from tribes where there were no non-royalty. Do I believe that some of us living in the US are direct descendants of royalty from various areas in Africa, well sure. On the other hand the vast majority of people, not just the progeny of slaves, have no royal forefathers. It's like the "everyone is beautiful" not true. Most people are average looking (hence average) and there is no shame in that. There is also no shame in not having a royal antecedent. Most people are not royalty and if we were then what exac...

My baby boy graduated today. He's no longer a kidlet but a wonderful young man making his mark on the world. I'm bursting with happiness and pride and even though I couldn't be there I was able to watch the live stream. Me crying in the library had some folks looking at me like I was crazy but hey it's not every day your autistic baby graduates from high school with honors and friends! 

There has been a lot of attention in the media on the sentencing of a twenty-something rapist due to the barely slap on the wrist he got at 6 months with 3 years probation. A lot has been said about his sense of entitlement, his persistent denial, his student athlete status, corrupt judges and enabling parents but I’ve had something else on my mind brought to the forefront with this case. The victim in this case wrote an amazing open and courageous statement that only someone with no heart wouldn’t be moved by. Since the judge who heard it at sentencing was more concerned about affecting the rapists future one can only speculate about the probability that he is in fact an android. In it she says something that circles around in my head. “You are the cause, I am the effect. You have dragged me through this hell with you, dipped me back into that night again and again. You knocked down both our towers, I collapsed at the same time you did. Your damage was concrete; stripped of tit...

Today's photo shoot is brought to you by "over 40 and having no fucks to give about what I should (not) be wearing." My back yard is looking like a rain forest these days and I love it!                                                                                                            

I was talking to my ex today and brought up the infamous "affair". I finally had a chance to tell him how I felt about the whole thing both before and after which felt good. I wasn't even mad I think it was more of trying to be heard. It's a delicate balance to talk about actions I know caused him pain while discussing how they also hurt me and how I got there. There was no maliciousness on either of our parts but intent doesn't eradicate pain. Sometimes it makes it easier to bear though. I've wondered talking to him these days if we had been able to talk this way back then and be honest and say the things neither of us want to hear then act on it, would we have broken up? No one can say but I do think our odds would have been higher for staying together than they were. I'm just glad we both learned something and grew into better people.

It occurred to me that I can so easily become a festering bundle of jealousy, for no reason. Of course I think he no reason thing is what defines something as irrational and there are days I have the market cornered on irrational.  Looking at Das chatting with a park worker this afternoon instead of paying me all the attention had me feeling some kind of way for a minute. Luckily I quickly got ahold of my runaway brain.  I don't think feeling jealous even if it is completely baseless is a terrible thing but how you deal with it. That right there is how you drone yourself. Are you someone who throws tantrums, do you give your partner the silent treatment, do you start flirting with others to get back at them? None of these are healthy options. I should know I've done them all.  These days impressed of a quick side eye before talking myself into a more reasonable frame of mind and I'm not too grown to ask for hugs or attention if I simply need to feel him. Works loads bette...

It's so difficult to express how circumstances could have been avoided or at least minimized without it coming across as blaming someone for misfortune. I have been thinking about the zoo incident with the gorilla being put down to protect the child. I didn't see the unedited video which I've heard shows the child being dragged through the water so I can't comment on that. What I was thinking about was how the lack of planning combined with an unfortunately accessible layout at the zoo caused the child to be in danger. I've taken my kids to the zoo and at the time one of them was a toddler. He stayed in a stroller because I knew I couldn't keep hold of both kids running free and I had a lot of help. Kids are escape artists and it doesn't matter if they usually are well behaved and still, when you add in an environment of excitement, crowds, and anything out of the ordinary the makings of disaster are all there. It saddens me that it so often takes someth...