What's a Woman's Worth?

There has been a lot of attention in the media on the sentencing of a twenty-something rapist due to the barely slap on the wrist he got at 6 months with 3 years probation. A lot has been said about his sense of entitlement, his persistent denial, his student athlete status, corrupt judges and enabling parents but I’ve had something else on my mind brought to the forefront with this case.

The victim in this case wrote an amazing open and courageous statement that only someone with no heart wouldn’t be moved by. Since the judge who heard it at sentencing was more concerned about affecting the rapists future one can only speculate about the probability that he is in fact an android. In it she says something that circles around in my head.

“You are the cause, I am the effect. You have dragged me through this hell with you, dipped me back into that night again and again. You knocked down both our towers, I collapsed at the same time you did. Your damage was concrete; stripped of titles, degrees, enrollment. My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.”

The victim here speaks about her losses of privacy, energy, time, safety intimacy, confidence, her voice, and the thing I focused on , her worth. For years I’ve had a problem with the way we describe rape as “a fate worst than death” Seriously you would rather see me dead than raped? Think about that for a minute. We tell our girls (mostly) that getting raped is the worst thing that could ever happen them and if it does they have to first prove that they are the perfect victim who in no way deserves it and then spend the rest of their lives apologizing for it and acknowledging all lack of worth.

Lip service is given to our daughters about being more than their sexuality but at the same time the truth about what we really think a woman’s worth is comes out in our attitudes towards those who have faced sexual violence. If she deals with feeling powerless by initiating or acquiescing to sex with multiple partners she’s a slut. No questions about the integrity of a person who would willingly take advantage of someone in a fragile state. Even if she isn’t promiscuous if she has the audacity to be sexual at all then obviously she’s not the right kind of victim, in fact she’s probably not a victim at all. On the other hand if she decides she isn’t ready for sexual intimacy for however long then she’s frigid and unnatural. No matter her response it will be wrong and we will gladly tell her so but we aren’t trying to say her worth is measured by her sexuality, not at all. We just want her to be “normal”.

This makes me think about something my parents used to tell me when I was an adolescent. Boys are only after one thing. They only want to get in your pants. Gee thanks guys, it never occurred to me before hearing it repeatedly that I have no interesting qualities besides the possession of a vagina. How dare I think so much of myself that I for even a moment assume a guy might be nice to me because he’s nice, because I’m funny, because we share a silly sense of humor, maybe even because I’m smart and he likes that. And God forbid I actually showed any interest in sex or burgeoning sexuality, I was destined to be a whore. Wanting to be pretty and cutely dressed was tantamount to declaring prostitution as my desired occupation. Mine weren’t the only parents sending this message. In the battle to keep a girl child safe from all the perverts just waiting around every corner to deflower her it was necessary to shut down any interest in sex. The method of “you have so much more to give and to who you are that no one will show you any interests unless they only want sex from you”. The message was clear it simply wasn’t the one that they thought they were sending.

I had a man interested in me from the time I was in middle school. He was 12 yrs older and when I was 16 he asked my parents if he could marry me. His reasoning, I was a virgin. I wasn’t so smart, so pretty so pious, so sweet, or so domestic that he thought I’d be a good wife, it all came down to being a virgin. I don’t get it, sure I’d be a virgin; but then I wouldn’t be and what happens at that point? Am I no longer worthy of adoration? Do I just get kept around because I’m the cow who was bought and paid for so I have to spend my days being grateful for not being set aside after that pesky wedding night which robbed me of all my charms?

I’ve heard parents talk about their daughters forays into sexual activity with tears in their eyes. Not tears for the myriad of ills that could befall them such as pregnancy, STIs, cruel rumors, and even heartbreak but simply mourning the loss of their little girl’s “innocence” I’ve met parents who “jokingly” hoped their daughters were lesbians b/c then sex wouldn’t be an issue. Last I heard lesbians have plenty of sex but I guess with no penis in the equation all the worries go out the window and we can maintain the sexless doll allusion. How can we truly say that we think the world of girls and hold them in high esteem when it seems from what is truly said and done what we esteem is only between their legs.

When I read the victim’s statement that she’d lost her worth I wanted to hug he and tell her, what was done to you didn’t take your worth, what it did was reinforce years of subtle and not so subtle messages we give girls every day of their lives about exactly where their value lies.