Learning

Today was a bit of a revelation for both Das and I. Our houseguest P has come back on Sat and it's been ok but last night she went to visit a friend and ended up calling us drunk without saying where she was. We looked at all the reasonably close stations but no luck and after eleven (we were at the first place at nine) we went home hoping she was ok. Around three she called and apologized and later in the day she talked to Das. 

I asked the status because in my opinion that was enough for her to not be here but he saw it differently. In the course of talking about it one thing that came up is how I tend to be unmoved by people who apologize profusely because I grew up with someone who did that as a tool of manipulation. If I was still upset then I became the one in the wrong. An attitude reinforced by the church we attended. 

It was also pointed out that contrary to his calm acceptance that she made a mistake when I did exactly what he told me to do but in an unanticipated by him manner I got fussed at and given the cold shoulder for hours. I pointed out that I was t even given the benefit of assuming I made a mistake so I find it highly frustrating to see him all open with someone else. Especially a someone else who is having an impact on our lives. 

It goes nearly without saying that the whole situation reeks of shades of our time as a triad which I swear scarred me for life.

It was good that I was able to move past my reluctance to make a fuss and actually tell him what was on my mind. He hadn't realized how strongly I felt about some things or why but now he says he will keep it in mind. Transparency is still hard nearly ten years later but I think we are closer and more at ease with our roles now than then because we do work hard at being transparent. 

So she is still coming back and I am still somewhat torn about it but I realize the main issue isn't her but my own insecurities and my relationship with Das. I know you shouldn't compare but I catch myself doing it and then I get sad at real or imagined preferences for her over me. Some I know once said "build a bridge and get over it" but they didn't mention you have to cut the dam boards yourself and beat the nails in with a rock, lol.