Adventures in Emmieland

I glanced at a post on Fet that asked slaves "what skills do you bring to the table?" now I've seen this question asked before and I've also been a part of in life discussions on what people think they as perspective slaves seeking masters should acquire beforehand. I must say I've never gotten it. Possibly because I think of M/s of a relationship structure not a job description. I don't see that I need to sell myself as "slave" of course to be fair I've also never been in the position of being a single slave. Hell I've never really been a single adult woman period. That said I'm not opposed to learning any number of things for the enjoyment and edification of my partner or myself the idea of learning things just to make myself marketable seems odd to me. Besides that what guarantee would there be that the master I eventually found would even enjoy the particular skillsets I'd honed? It makes more sense to me that in approaching M...

It's been a quiet week, well quiet if you don't count the unholy amount of coughing and nose blowing I've been doing.  I finally was up and about for a few hours on Christmas and yesterday but overdoing landed my butt right back in bed all day today. I can't sleep laying down since it triggers coughing fits so I am propped up just so but nicely cushioned by pets. They are quite toasty warm, I appreciate that since I seem to either have a fever or no body heat at all. Das has been great even though he's not been feeling altogether wonderful himself he's been taking good care of me. Lots of cuddles and chocolate along with a steady supply of tea, cough drops and tissues. Molloy has taken over my spot on the couch the rotten mutt. I think he's grown some since we got him although it has only been just over a week. He's learning good manners but still very spirited. It's going to be a while before he's polite enough for mixed company. Taking pictur...

Sunday night and I'm still sick. I am starting to feel a bit better although I still have the on/off fever thing and still quite congested. On the upside I've been able to sleep and eat and I didn't go through nearly as much tissue today as I have the last few days. I'm sad that I'm missing out on the early training of Molloy but he's such a sweetiepie. I slipped downstairs an hr ago and gave him a tablespoon of peanut butter straight from my fingers with not even a play nip from him, although he devoured the peanut butter. I'm not setting aside my loyal Didi though, she's been my constant companion in the bedroom while I've sequestered myself. She lays next to me making me feel better and making me laugh by flipping on her back begging for belly rubs. When I first heard of therapy pets I was baffled but I have gotten so much comfort and pleasure not to mention at least a bare minimum reason to get up when I'm depressed, from having my dogs. It w...

When life gets crazy we do the sane thing around here and get another dog.  He's a catahoula bull terrier mix and cute as a button, not even a year old yet and smart. Kinda shy but not timid, does not get car sick thankfully and although he's currently content to let didi be the ruler of the roost I'm not so sure that is going to last. He's only 10lbs lighter than she is even though he looks way skinnier but I suspect that means he's just that much more muscular where she is older and chubby at this point.  We'd had him for just under an hour and had him responding to his new name, learning to play keep away with a soccer ball, introduced to crate training, and all around integrated into the household.  We're nuts but he was so cute with his little blue eyes, we couldn't just leave him at the shelter. So what happened is the last few days we've been going back and forth looking at various dogs online at different rescues and I decided to look at th...

After catching up on my kinky blog reading today I almost wish I hadn't. It seems everyone is in some type of crisis right now. I'm not sure how people can change so much that they stop being something so integral to who they are together but at the same time don't really stop it and are as a result so unhappy b/c they aren't who they were and aren't anyone new either. It boggles my mind. As annoyed as I sometimes get with Das about this or that I am glad that us as a unit is so important to him because it minimizes the odds of that happening to us. Not that we won't ever change but hopefully whatever changes we make will be made with us moving in the same direction. One person commented that the author of the post should stop doing things for her former master/husband and basically live her own life without taking him into account. I cringed seeing that. Is that what vanilla means to people? Somehow I never got that memo. Being inconsiderate of your mate even...

I was reading a fantasy novel this afternoon and the main character who is the daughter of Hades and a Fury told the other Gods that she didn't actually think they were Gods. When they disagreed with her she mentioned that none of them had created life... My mind of course started wandering around does this mean that having children is coming close to deification? Does only the mother make godlike status or is it the couple? Maybe god status is achieved only in the moment of conception as the couple together and in the moment of birth because they are the only two moments when humans bring forth life.  Interesting thoughts...

I was feeling a teensy bit (a whole lot) needy/insecure yesterday and casually mentioned (more like awkwardly inserted in conversation) that I wasn't sure if he wanted me at times.  I'm all good now. He's really sweet about taking the time to reassure me when it's needed and in the most delightful ways. It's pretty exhilarating to be wanted and to be wanted so fiercely for everything that you are is heady and humbling stuff at least it is for me. I never understood that advice of be making sure your partner loves you more than you love them. I always wanted someone who loved me with the same all encompassing over the top breath taking crazy making ness that I loved them with. Realizing that desire is pretty damned awesome.

I hate feeling caught in a no win situation when i'm being asked questions and i'm finding it makes me angry and leery. I can take being physically tormented a lot better than I can this type of mental stuff. I get the feeling of just wanting to blow up and say say things like "of course the answer is no what kind of idiot would say yes to that?" but at the same time I actually want to say yes b/c I feel he wants me to say yes but I can't say yes b/c I really don't want to say yes and if I say yes and he follows through with whatever he's threatening he'll tell me that I said yes... I feel like I'm 8 again and my mom is asking me if I want to be a lady and wear dresses all the time and I'm saying yes b/c I know she wants me to but I'm feeling trapped b/c I don't even like wearing dresses all that much and when I eventually complain about it I'm told that I was given a choice and I agreed to it. It's not the same but it feels the...

I'd like to go to MasT tonight, don't know if we are going but I would like to as the topic intrigues me. It's about what a master needs from his slave to be happy. That's pretty unusual as we so rarely blatantly focus on the master in a discussion, often it's about both or just the slave. I know it will differ from couple to couple but to me that is the cool thing I love seeing where people overlap and where they diverge. I couldn't say specifically for sure what Das need from me to be happy other than well me. I guess me being obedient is pretty high on his list too. This past week I've been dog sick so there haven't been too many acts of service but he still seems plenty happy with me. Yesterday was the first day I could be up and about for more than 3 minutes and I was still pretty pitiful. Hopefully today is better. I think my adoration is a necessity too, probably more so than anything I could do for him. Well right now he needs coffee to be happ...

It just occured to me that this week past was the first time we've been around either of our family.  It's kinda trippy that it did not cross my mind the entire time we were there how we may be being perceived as a couple. We're so much "us" that there is just no other way for us to be. Granted it is easier b/c my family tends to be more traditional in the male-female relationships arena so me getting him food and whatever other stuff he asks for didn't raise any eyebrows. Neither did me sitting at his feet to eat while he sat on the couch.  The fact that he is obviously in control and that I defer to him isn't the kind of thing to raise eyebrows in my family. Funny that I hadn't even thought to see how anyone was reacting to us until today though. My 5 yr old niece did ask me about my collar, she thought it was pretty but was perturbed that it didn't come off.  My 3 yr old niece managed to pull my gryphon pendant off luckily I have all the tools n...

We're sick. I blame those icky adolescents sitting next to us on the plane who coughed and sneezed all over us from Charlotte to Austin. I've been abed all day, in fact I'm still in bed but I am awake for a as long as it takes this round of meds to kick in and knock me out. Fevers coming and going, a sore swollen throat, and crazy bad sinus pressure/pain accompanied by the stuffy/runny nose and cough. The good news is my appetite hasn't taken a hit at all and since I felt it coming on we went out last night to stock up on sick people supplies. I feel the sleepies coming on so cutting this short. Hopefully I'll wake up feeling like a new woman.

We've made it back from down south and in 1 piece even. As good as it was to see everyone I can say with no qualls that I'm glad to be home. I'm also glad that Das went with me b/c now I'm pretty sure that he is magic, lol. Tuesday I accompanied my brother and sis in law on an epic shopping trip. I swear I thought we'd never get out of there I was ready to collapse by the time we made it back to the car. On the other hand being in the real south is funny. I was "hon'ed" so much and had so many random middle of the aisle conversations with complete strangers. Texas does not know how to actually be southern I'm pretty convinced. Before the grocery shopping there was the cigarette run with my sis in law where we managed to get lost. That was actually fun, I love a good car adventure. We finally found the place we were looking for and got what we wanted after I was seriously carded and hon'ed some. It's lovely to be somewhere where a red hair...

Yay the tattoo is done! I'm wondering how and why people do this more than once on purpose though because damn that hurt. My tattoo artist complimented me for sitting very still but it was either that or go running screaming down the street, since I had no desire for half done artwork on my back I sat still. We did in 1 session what she had planned to break down into 2 more sessions which I'm sure didn't help with the raw feeling any but I'm very happy with the results. I do have to say that my understanding of the word shading wasn't quite what she ended up doing, lol.  It was finished on Wednesday and I took this picture today so I'm sure the colors have more settling to do, I wasn't expecting this much color but it's perfect.  I only needed one day of complete bedrest this time too so that's a huge improvement.

Ok so I've been reading fet again and came across a discussion on correcting one's master. Specifically the question was how one goes about it and some examples were given which I will quote. examples: You are at a dinner Party at your Master's Bosses house and he invites your master to play golf the next sunday. You how ever know that he has plans for that sunday. Maybe he promised something special with you, maybe he promised to help his parents with something, or your parents, maybe you have kids and that sunday is your son's soccer game, or your daughters school play of peter pan. And the boss isn't asking your Master to work..just to play golf. Do you speak up then and save your master and who ever else some trouble? Or do you stay silent. Lets say that there is a food or drink that your Master is not supposed to have because it makes them sick or they get a little too drunk. if you see them about to eat a peice of cake and they reacently found out they ar...

We don't get to NC until next week but already the pressure has started, talking to my mom today my dad was in the back round demanding that I cook for Thanksgiving. Anyone who knows me knows I don't cook. I don't like to cook and I'm not all that good at it. And I've never cooked for big family holiday dinners. I help prep and I help clean but I leave the actual cooking to others, always have. Sigh. My parents keep insisting that I am a good cook though. I'll give you competent at best. It's not so much a desire for mac n cheese that gets me it's the idea that he can make a proclamation and simply expect it be be followed without regard to the fact that I am grown, and I don't like cooking. He didn't ask, he stated how it would be. I'm so used to going along and not making waves given that I'll only be in town a short period I wonder how this time wil be different since conciliatory Das is not and the only person he is ok with bossing me...

Last night we went to a burlesque show, I don't know how they generally are but I was under the impression that they are supposed to be sexy. The outfits were cool, lots of feather boas and evening gown that devolved into sparkly pasties and thong like undies and  I can't knock the performers for technical expertise they had all the right moves but they seemed nearly robotic. It was like watching a dance competition where all the dancers were extremely proficient and completely lacked any feel for the music. I was sad that I spent very little time out of my head and drawn in during the show. There were two performs who stood out last night, one lady who did a really cute routine that wasn't sexy and wasn't meant to be. It was satirical and she pulled it off beautifully.  The other woman had amazing stage presence and while she didn't have what most would call a rocking body she knew how to work it. She was quite mesmerizing. After the dancers there was a live ba...

Went to the doctor yesterday, a dermatologist. It's the first time I've seen one since I was in 9th or 10th grade and this was so much better. He was sweet and cute too as well as having a sense of humor. My reason for being there is all these little light spots that I call my anti- freckles, I've been rather curious as to what they are for years but no one has been able to tell me and finally I got a dr who not only said I don't know but who followed it up with  a referral to a specialist. The official verdict was   Idiopathic Guttate Hypomelanosis  which seems to be a fancy way of saying we have no idea why you have light spots but they aren't dangerous, lol.  He did take a sample of one larger one for biopsy just to be sure it was all good but didn't seem all that concerned about it. I found it comforting both that he did it and that he seemed unconcerned.  So in about a week I'll hear back from them. My new glasses came in yesterday too! Yay! I'm a...

I don't know why I was thinking there was only a week until thanksgiving, luckily there are two weeks, whew I need that extra week for going through all the junk in the garage. Somewhere out there my gloves are hiding and a cold front has rolled in today, I need them. Washed my hair yesterday since it was the last day of warm weather forecasted for a while. It's still a tiny bit damp. I'm thinking about trimming the erant super long hairs so that I have nice even lines or at least more even oness. On of the really long locs is rather week I think I roll over on it a lot. The trials and tribulations of long hair. Not that I would change it for anything I've grown rather fond of my hair. The tattoo is darkening and the itching has stayed pretty steady. Not bad enough to drive me over the edge but enough to make me notice. Well placed lotion when I start noticing it too much works wonders though. All in all the experience isn't nearly as bad as I'd been led to ...

Woohoo! I'm getting new glasses, Das picked them and somehow I still ended up with purple frames. I'd say my love of vibrant color has infected him but he had bright yellow sneakers when I met him along with other assorted blindingly bright clothing items that he wears with impunity so I can take neither the credit nor the blame for that one. Glasses shopping was one of several of today's errands. There is so much to do before our trip down south. I need to see about convincing him to put on a cute outfit and taking a few pictures with me to have printed for my family. There is an empty spot on my parent's livingroom wall where our portrait should be. We just need to get around to taking one. This is going to be a pretty busy for us weekend. Today we're visiting a friend for cuddles and tomorrow night we are going to a play. I think Sunday is set aside for rest and recovery as well as fixing the weatherstripping on his car and starting to purge the garage. I hav...

So it's been a few days and the healing is going great! No ickies whatsoever, so glad I have always taken good care to keep my skin moist, pretty sure that is coming in handy now. The soreness is gone and I've been able to get a decent-ish picture of the whole thing.  It is actually much crisper than the picture indicates, now I am thinking about the possibility of color. I like the look of the lines so it's hard to imagine it colored in. I guess I'll find out in 2 weeks.

We went to a concert tonight. He suggested it early this afternoon and we decided what the heck and got tickets. The venue was outside but they did have some tent thingies up which was nice since it rained a bit. Luckily the heavy duty rain happened prior to the festivities. The music was pretty good and we managed to find a spot that wasn't too crowded. Now although we were in a darkened corner in the back somehow people still were pulled in by Das' magnetism, it was amusing to watch several men flirt with him rather shamelessly although we were obviously together. Although to be fair they did include me in their antics, I too was chatted up and offered drinks but it was obvious that the he was the main attraction. Kinda tripped me out since the concert wasn't held at a gay club and I've never seen men be so forward to an unknown man in a mixed crowd particularly a man with a woman.  They were pleasant lads though, good natured about not being taken up on their thinl...

Today was tattoo day and not only did it happen it was lovely. Hurt like the dickens though. Of course I am kinda whiny when it comes to pain so there is that. It's still a bit swollen so I'll take more pictures tomorrow as it comes down and gets crisper but the pictures from tonight already show how well it's going to come out. The pictures are in order from the stenciling, about a half-way through the lining, and about 3/4 through the lining.  It's neat how my brand was rather incorporated into the tattoo, that came together pretty nicely.  There is of course more to be done, this was one the first of several visits. I'm looking forward to the finished product while enjoying what I have now.

It's getting closer to sunday aka tattoo day... i'm excited but cautious since it's been rescheduled 3 times already so the hope that this time it's really truly going to happen is there but there is this small fear that something will come up again. I am pretty sure that everything that can be reasonably allowed for has been so nothing to do now but to wait for 4pm sunday to roll around. It's been a rollercoaster kinda week with family issues being thrown at me from all sides. I'm really glad that it's friday and I have nothing more strenuous to do than play some mind soothing games of suburbia on fb while listening to music, reading my kindle, and talking to Das.  Hmm dinner should probably happen too, just realized I'm kinda hungry. Of course anything necessitating me moving from my well worn spot on the couch for any reason besides dropping my behind into bed sounds like way too much work right now. I can eat tomorrow.

Maybe there is more to crystal stuff than I realized, I'm going to have to sit with this for a minute. Feeling suspiciously woo.  I've had a terrible jaw/tooth ache for the last few days that has been impervious to pain meds, swishing with alcohol and swishing with peroxide.  Without thinking much about it I did a yoni steam yesterday following by the insertion of a rose quartz yoni egg as a part of this week's moon mysteries class and noticed that about an hour later  I was really tired but my jaw felt fine.  In fact the fine feeling hung around all night and through some rather vigorous and sustained oral activities this morning after which the egg popped out. Here I am hours later still feeling like a million bucks. Hmmm.

Ok so there is a video going around made by a woman walking around for 24 hrs in a city that shows how prevalent street harassment is. I needed to watch it before I spoke on it and I finally saw it this morning. It was not nearly as horrible as I thought it would be based on my friend's commentary. I'm not saying street harassment isn't a thing, it has happened to me on occasion but when I watched the video what I noticed is that anytime a man spoke to her AT ALL no matter what he said or what tone he said it in it was filed under harassment. There were definitely some men who were out of line as hell, some who were what I would call borderline and some who were out and out creepy but the idea that a man can't say anything to a woman without it being harassment should not be where the bar is set.  Men are not default villains and a "hello" should not be an indictment.

I went to the retreat, relaxed and had a great time.  It was small which is always nice for this kind of thing and held in a private home so it had a nice intimate feel. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, we talked, we breathed, we shared, we joked, we meditated, and we ate. There was also lots of chocolate because this was a group of women after all no group of women would be complete without chocolate. Although I had a very good time I was really happy to get back home to my Das yesterday afternoon. We spent the time reconnecting. Someone who didn't know would probably have thought we'd been separated for weeks not overnight what can I say, we don't like being apart.

I put together a collage of a few of the outfits I've worn so far instead of trying to upload multiple pictures. I might have already actually used a few of these, not sure since I didn't go back and check. I'm not taking pictures daily like yesterday I never got around to it due to sheer laziness although I did complete 3 online tutorials.  There has also been a reasonable amount of picture taking of the pets and fences and stuff not me, lol.  I'm pretty happy that I can tell the lighting is getting better and the pictures sharper although I'm using the same camera. It helps to know what all those knobs mean! :)

It's early morning and in a few hours I will be off to a feminine retreat until Sunday at noon. I get the feeling that Das is not so happy that he said I could go now that the time for me to be gone is here. We're not often separated. I'm trying to go into the retreat with an open mind but the last week or so has been trying on me as a group that I am in and get quite a bit out of has taken a turn for the esoteric. I find myself looking at some of the post with a wtf expression on my face. Sigh. I know I am not on the upper levels of woo-dom and all but still I'm usually more receptive than I have been lately. I'm pretty doubtful that this is the right frame of mind to be embarking on this retreat but I can't change the date so it is what it is.

The last few days have been hectic with getting a fair bit of housework done and working on actually taking pictures with definition. Yesterday I took fuzzy pics but for the first time knew why they were fuzzy and was able to fix them, it totally made my day. I kind of feel like I'm speaking in code when I start muttering to myself about high ISO and drive meters. I also received yet another box of evidence of my recent manic shopping spree. I think everything has arrived except the fancy leggings now. I need to buy more hangers. Das has been messing with my head again. One would think after a fair period of time you'd be as enslaved as you can get. One would be wrong.

It both amuses and horrifies me that the posts on Homeschoolers Anonymous are what really bring my childhood into perspective. What one can accept as fairly reasonable and normal even when you know it's not is simply amazing. When I read the stories on there and find myself astounded by the craziness and cruelty some of the writers have encountered it stops me in my tracks to realize that the church I was brought up in was most times more restrictive in it's beliefs than the ones they are talking about and the household I grew up in just as fucked up.  I'm glad for them that they have gotten to happer places in their lives and I'm glad for me too.

I started an online photography class on thursday night which I'm loving. Das sent me the free 10 minute class to see if I liked the guy's style and I did so he encouraged me to go further. He's always encouraging me to explore creative skills/hobbies particularly ones I can learn at home. It's self paced videos that go over all the odds and ends on my camera that i have so far not been able to make heads or tails about and it's already making a difference. Although the class includes a tutorial on photo blogging and making money as a photographer that's not my goal, I just want to be able to take decent pics. Right now the best ones of people are of Das. He's an amazing model or maybe my camera just loves him but everytime I shoot him the pictures are crisp and his eyes are very very blue. I come out blurry as often as not so my camera doesn't love me nearly as well. It does however love my hair. Every strand stands out beautifully. I'm going to h...

When is asking important, by asking I mean actually forming a distinct question and awaiting an answer. Sometimes this trips me up b/c we swing between implied asking where I make a statement and assume consent when it isn't countered and me needing to make an actual request. The confusing thing is when the formal request is absolutely necessary. We don't have any type of signal that says "this situation calls for a specific request and woe be unto you to to go about your merry way assuming the other way would work fine"  It's kind of funny that I'm still navigating this nearly 8 yrs later. Although I am starting to catch on to a few clues such as when it involves others I'd do better to err on the side of formality. As much as I add errands and change stuff at the last minute when I'm on my own it goes over way worse when I do it when I'm out with someone else. I think it has something to do with looking like I assume I'll be allowed to do wha...

We have done it, tickets have been purchased and we are really truly going to visit my family for holidays this year... together. This will be the first time Das has met anyone in my family which I'm both excited and nervous about. I'm kinda wondering just how many people are going to come out of this meeting with all their limbs and who we will still be speaking to when it's over. My family can be delightful and difficult depending on their moods and the phase of the moon and goodness knows what other mitigating circumstances. Das describes himself as "intuitively tactless" so I can see things getting interesting really quickly. Luckily we are staying with my most laid back sibling for the duration of our visit, staying with my parents wasn't even an option, no one would have come out of that unscathed. As nervous as I am about the various scenarios that could unfold I am very happy that he's coming with me. I feel gobs less stressed knowing I won...

Some more friends of ours got married yesterday and it was a good time. They had a rocka billy wedding presided over by Elvis. There was much singing, some dancing, lots of laughter and smooching and a few tears. I'd call it a rocking success. The vows were a trip as they were widely made up of song and movie titles. Watching the bride who is a slave trying to get out of saying Love Me Mender and you are my Puppet On A String was highly entertaining.

I haven't yet settled on the dress showing conundrum but for this week at least I'll do one post to show off the couple of cute dresses since I didn't wear them every day anyway. I acquired a tripod and an attachment to hold my phone so that I can take pics of me in said dresses easily. Since I haven't gotten the settings just right for the big camera I'm using the phone for now. I'm taking them in my bedroom since the mosquitos are out with a vengeance and they think I'm a one woman buffet. So although outside is prettier inside is safer. Thursday I tried out the tripod while wearing a skater skirt and tank Friday I sported a black/red tank dress Saturday I donned the dress I'm wearing to a friend's wedding this evening.

There is something slightly surreal about discussing fashion with your doctor but that is exactly what I found myself doing today. We went over what types of clothes were the least restrictive while still looking cute. Lucky for me my personal taste are in line with what is good for non smooshiness. The leggings I recently picked up have an elastic waistband but it's not super tight and b/c they are one size fits most they have a fair bit of extra material making them very comfortable over my rounded and tender belly. He always seems amazed at the daggers I shoot him when he touches both my belly and my back but hey when your kidneys are over twice as large as normal there is bound to be some sensitivity.  It seems that because I'm not extra heavy I am actually experiencing more pain since there isn't anything to buffer. Thinner is not always better.  All in I I'm doing quite well which is good.

Sometimes you don't even know you need to be whipped back into place as it were until you are or maybe that's just me. Today I have a rather sore bum but am more settled. I never cease to find it fascinating that even though pain doesn't play a daily role in our dynamic it has a place that feels necessary for us both. Him I get with him being a sadist and all but since I continue to steadfastly deny all accusations of masochism no matter how much evidence to the contrary gets produced, I don't really understand why I get all out of whack when it goes too long without a nice firm session. Maybe it's not only about the pain, it's possible that the stark undeniable realization of my willingness of please and the depth of obedience even contrary to what seems to be reasonable measures of self preservation. That's heady stuff in a power dynamic.  Coupled with a blatant show of strength which I experience as both alpha and masculine, sexy as hell, not to mention...

Today I had a fun filled girls day which was much needed to catch up with a friend who is only across town but our schedules never seem to mesh. It's been way too long but we made up for it with a highly indulgent lunch and impulse shopping, lol. Das was pretty pleased with both my purchases and the fact that I made them out of my allowance. I had a lady-lunch on Friday too. It feels good to make intimate connections with some local women, especially ones who get my life. That is pretty invaluable. I bought 4 dresses today and they are all I would say lolita inspired. After a good deal of research and being honest about the fact that I hate slips so petticoats are so not happening I came to the conclusion that while I like the lolita style it simply isn't practical for me so I figured out how to take some elements that suit me and work them into my wardrobe. I'm going to have to get some pictures. We seriously need a full length mirror.  Lucky for me that the skater ski...

One of the down sides to taking antipsychotics as prn as the tendency to not notice when you need to actually start taking the suckers right away. Seems that I've moved into a period of more frequent mixed states than either mania or depression which isn't as easy to detect offhand. I've been sitting around feeling all kinds of out of sorts for a bit not getting why and last night I had a migraine come on full force with nausea, well the med I take to combat the nausea also happens to be an antipsychotic amazingly my mind cleared and the near constant agitation and feeling like being on the verge of tears all the time was gone.  I'm grateful that I respond so well to the old school meds but I feel vaguely hung over today. My goal today is sleep, lots and lots of sleep, being crazy is exhausting.

I had a run in with what I can only describe as a creepy guy. It's been a while since I've felt unsafe around a man,  I've encountered men here and there that I don't particularly want to spend time with but overall in the last few years I've felt ok in my dealings with men in fact I've felt pretty positive. Saturday though we came across someone who just gave me the creeps. Just him looking at me felt like a violation. I can't even explain why I felt so strongly I just know that I didn't want him in the same state as me let alone only a few feet from me.  I didn't actually think I was in imminent danger since I was with Das but it was still a rather unsettling experience.

I came across someone's lament that people often disparage her dynamic b/c she doesn't struggle with her submission and she is never pushed outside of her comfort zone or asked to do anything she would rather not. She finds comfort in the fact that if a disagreement were to arise she and her master know that he has the deciding vote and that is what makes theirs an M/s dynamic. Thinking on it I can't say that continual angst sounds like the making of submissive bliss to me but only having to do what I'm inclined to do also doesn't sound like a blissful existence to me. I think it would be well and good to assume that I would do as he demanded when it wasn't to my liking if that assumption was never actually put to the test. Anyone who knows me knows I am a comfort loving creature so I'm not advocating the life of a slave be filled with unpleasantness and I certainly don't think anyone need prove anything. I do think the people involved should be intros...

Out with a couple of friends the other night chat turned to reading and I mentioned that the household I grew up in had both a jr and adult set of encyclopedias as well as multiple bibles, and generally a wide variety of reading material that augmented our public school education.  I tend to take this for granted as just something you do but one of my companions asked if my dad was a college professor which threw me. Then they went on to say that her household didn't put that kind of emphasis on education as her mother was a housewife and her father in the military.  It was kind of trippy to me since that is the same configuration of my family.  Technically I know all families aren't as bookish as mine but I haven't actually spent any time with them. No matter the social standing or income of the members of my extended family reading, education, and knowledge acquisition are valued things. It also happens that the friends and intimates I've had have been similar.  Th...

We attended a wedding over the weekend which was both lovely and unlike any other wedding I've ever been to. It's safe to say that I haven't spent much time in the country-country so there are things that I'm just not familiar with like hay bales as seating and boots as appropriate formal footwear. That didn't really phase me though but the rooster crowing during the vows and the donkey making noises that I am not skilled enough to describe that did throw me for a loop. It had me laughing though mostly at my citified self. The preacher had a delightful sense of humor starting the ceremony off with a bit from The Princess Bride and the bride was beautiful enough to rival any fairy tale princess, the groom obviously agreed since he couldn't wipe the enormous grin off his face. Being there to bear witness to their exchange of vows was an honor.  We are however running out of single friends, lol.

Last night while lounging in bed cuddling I started telling Das about my fantasies. This may not sound like a big deal but for me it is b/c while I'm pretty good with doing I'm much more reluctant around saying. I keep my sexual thoughts locked up pretty tightly leaving him to guess at what makes me tick. Over time he's pulled quite a bit out of me but for me to randomly offer up such information is damn near unheard of.  The funny thing is they are pretty tame by fet standards. I'm not hiding them because they're so out there I think he'll look at me as if I'm a pervert of the highest order. I'm just extremely private about things that matter to me, the more it matters the less likely I am to share it. Sex matters.  It matters so much that not only do I prefer not to talk about it I find I can't and I mean can't literally. When I try to say things my throat closes up and the words while running through my head simply will not come out of my mout...

I am reading Raven & Joshua's book Dear Raven & Joshua Questions and Answers about Master/slave relationships and I came to the question where Joshua was asked what he gets out of slavery. His answer was lovely. " Joshua: Primarily, I get the opportunity to do something real and meaningful with my life. While I wasn‖t exactly discontented with my life prior to being owned, it had never occurred to me to expect any kind of deep fulfillment or purpose from life. Now that I have that, I would not want to be without it. By my actions in service I am able to contribute to greater goals, rather than just keeping myself fed and housed and entertained. It gives me purpose. My master is doing great work in the world, and by serving him I support that work. I can do more good for the world by serving him than I could on my own. There is a quote I like very much, “There are two ways of spreading light—being the candle or the mirror that reflects it.” I am the mirror, and that‖...

I was up all night last night due to a storm. It wasn't that the noise was scaring me or anything like that but it was simply to electric to sleep. I was restless even though I tried reading and laying with my eyes closed in the dark relaxing my body. Eventually I made it outside sitting on the deck with Das in the rain, I love warm rain, it feel so good. It was good to finally get some reconnection time too. He's been working so hard/so much that we haven't has as much as either of us would like plus we've had a couple of not so stellar moments. The combination of him being stressed with work and me being highly emotional doesn't always mix well. I appreciate that we manage to come together to smooth things out well before they build into some insurmountable mess. I'm thinking about a sexy chair dancing class. I need to do a bit more moving and that would be a good way to do it. High impact is no good though and as much as I like the idea of pole dancing th...

I had a bit of excitement yesterday afternoon. I went to the dreaded mall, on homecoming day no less so obviously not a well thought out plan since every high school girl who didn't already have a dress was there with her mom frantically searching for the one true dress. I'm just trying to buy some jeans since when I got up it was around 60 degrees and all my clothes are made to be worn in the tropics. So after a few extras jump into my bag without any help from me from several different stores I take my loot to the parking lot that has become twice as full as it was when I went in only to discover that I can't find the car. Now usually I park in basically the same space but this time I overshot the turn and there was someone behind me so I went further than usual and parked by a different entrance. Add to the fact that it started raining the minute I got out of the car and hadn't stopped the entire time I was shopping and things are not going well.  I'm walking a...

I've been thinking about purple. It's been among my favorite colors for decades but in the last year or so it's come to the forefront. Red has been all but dismissed as a front runner it seems with no conscience intention. Pink is cute and lively but something about keeps purple calling me. My birthstone is amethyst a stone I've always liked, in fact I'm having waist beads made with them. Earlier this year I bought some purple titanium earrings which I've had no reason to remove since inserting them. My ears are quite happy and they are cute. I've always found the look of small hoops decidedly feminine. Tonight it finally occurred to me to look up the meaning of the color purple so that I could see if there was something behind it's insistent draw. Seems that it is associated with meditation, spirituality,  dreaminess, intuition and personality types that one could say describe me fairly well. I'm not going on a forced purple bing, I'll just se...

Another yr of growing out my hair. I think I'm almost at the point of no longer documenting it quite as meticulously probably the 10 yr mark will be a good stopping point. I will also likely start trimming it to around then too, we shall see since that is two years away hard to be sure. For now 8 yr pics! Left pic is last yr for comparison:

I saw this posted in FB: José Micard Teixeira “Please, don’t talk to me about your past. I don’t care who you were or what you did. I don’t want to know who you slept with or who you loved. I don’t need to know who hurt you or disrespected you. Please, don’t tell me about your mistakes or who almost died for your love. I don’t want to know the words you didn’t say out of fear or the ones you said out of anger. I don’t need to know about the gifts that were given to you or the ones that remind you of certain places or people. As a matter of fact, I don’t want to know anything about you. I just want to know you with me. As a matter of fact, I just want you to tell me what it all means to you without telling me the reasons why. Please, don’t show me who you were, but who you are. I want you to create yourself, liberate, love, laugh, expose and be with me who you’ve always wanted to be, because only then, I’ll be able to show you who I am instead of who I was and what I...

I have gotten a couple of pictures from Friday night from a couple of the other attendees which is happy making but unexpectedly there was also video! So I've both linked the first of four you tube videos from the event. I make an appearance at 6:29 and 9:33  and posted a couple of pictures.  http://youtu.be/m8T7meSyzKw

I've been thinking about the way we talk to our children. We speak to them as if their feelings don't matter, like they aren't actual people. I don't mean that we go out of our way to be cruel as most parents wouldn't dream of doing so. It's more the casual indignities that we so often visit upon them unthinkingly that we wouldn't dream of doing to another adult.  An example is the way we'll casually mention a need to a child for them to bathe in front of others. Who among us think that is appropriate or sensitive behavior towards another adult?  Yet it's something we do to children frequently. We act as if by dint of not having reached adulthood somehow their feelings are armored when in fact the opposite is most often true. They are sensitive beyond what you and I are so eager to please and crushed at being found wanting. What is merely mildly embarrassing to us as adults can be devastatingly humiliating  to a kid who who yet to acquire perspecti...

I finally got to inserting my egg today, for some reason I was expecting it to be more difficult and to feel more substantial. The thing is kinda heavy after all but it slipped right in without any issue and didn't feel like anything at all. I didn't notice it once it was in and now several hours later it's still there and still unnoticeable. I was a bit disturbed by that at first but after consulting with a few people I discovered that is a good thing, lol. Even though this one wasn't purchased but actually won so I didn't choose the crystal I did end up with a crystal that is in fact quite perfect for my goals. So pretty! Yesterday we caught up with some friends that we haven't seen in way too long. It feel good. Their house is one of those places that feels like home. We had so many deserts that my quip of the night was "what's a sugar high between friends?" I had so many that I promptly fell asleep when we got home. Of course the fact th...

The show was a blast! Even though there were a few bumps like a no show designer and a couple of models who couldn't make it as well as last minute alterations on more than a few outfits everything pulled together great. Much to my delight I did not have to go first this year and my designer outfit was quite pretty. Hopefully someone has a picture somewhere that I can get my paws on soon. I managed to only get one picture on my phone the entire night and that was of my face right after getting my make up done. In a quick change worthy of a seasoned stripper I shimmied out of my dress and into my lingerie in record time for the confidence walk. Good think I had on black shoes b/c they go with everything. I proceeded to spend the rest of the night in lingerie. I even sold raffle tickets in it while flirting shamelessly with would be buyers while Das not so subtly stood guard close by. Some dude got my housemate to take his picture with my booty, it was that kind of night, lol. I ...

Finally it was time to get my phone updated so I was able to get an iphone5s which I have been wanting for the lovely camera, lol. Of course because Das is well acquainted with my clumsy ways we left the store with both the phone and a darn near indestructible case. It took me a good 15 minutes to get that thing on too but now that it's on it won't be coming off without major surgery. The timing is perfect too since the show is Friday and the pictures will be great!  I got the foundation and blotting powder. I love that the people at MAC are so good with matching my color. They seem to get good training which is more than I can say for some of the other lines' salespeople. I know I'm hard to match with my yellow and red undertones. I'm so bouncy! I can't wait two more days.

I am now the proud owner of eyeshadow! and make up brushes and eyeliner and mascara, whew. The lovely artist was even so kind as to show me the proper application techniques for both day and night, I have a dark glitter for a smokey eye, not sure why I'd want smokey eyes but just in case I need it the knowledge is now mine. :)  I even found a cute purple pencil case that fits everything perfectly only to discover I've somehow mislaid the foundation I'd bought several months ago. This of course is why I need the pencil case to keep all this stuff in a central location. I'll go back for the foundation next week. The show is Friday and I am not working under the assumption that they will have someone who can do my make up. They did last time but I think I lucked out honestly.  I'm getting pretty excited since I have no idea what I'm wearing and I finally bout cute panties for my lingerie and my hair has been hennaed. Now not to get sick this week and everything wil...

They're standing on the corner and they can't speak English. I can't even talk the way these people talk: Why you ain't, Where you is, What he drive, Where he stay, Where he work, Who you be... And I blamed the kid until I heard the mother talk. And then I heard the father talk. Everybody knows it's important to speak English except these knuckleheads. You can't be a doctor with that kind of crap coming out of your mouth. In fact you will never get any kind of job making a decent living. People marched and were hit in the face with rocks to get an education, and now we've got these knuckleheads walking around. The lower economic people are not holding up their end in this deal. These people are not parenting. They are buying things for kids. $500 sneakers for what? And they won't spend $200 for Hooked on Phonics. I am talking about these people who cry when their son is standing there in an orange suit. Where were you when he was 2?...

Watching make up tutorials is like watching magic. It never ceases to amaze me how much different someone's face can look with well applied cosmetics. I'm entirely to lazy to actually do most of it especially on any kind of regular basis but I would like to learn how to do some of it for picture taking purposes. On a day to day basis though I like looking like myself.  Although there is is undeniable weakness for lipstick, if only the non transferable ones weren't all dry and the juicy/shiny ones stayed put. I think the search for the perfect lip color goes back to prehistory, as long as there has been a way to stain lips we've been seeking to improve upon it.  Tampering with our presentation is just so fundamentally human.

I've been learning about various aspects of the feminine recently and today I've been watching videos which go into different ones and in them Greek goddesses are used to represent the archetypes of each aspect. Out of curiosity before I'd gotten very far into the videos I asked Das which goddess he thought would be closest to me and he said Persephone and Hebe. So when I got to the aspect that I most identify with I was very curious to see what she had to say and damned if she didn't start off by identifying the Unformed One with Persephone. Why is he right so often?  There were points in the video that I could have sworn she wrote the description with me in mind.   I found them all interesting and am looking forward to digging deeper into the workbook soon.

I saw a status update from someone on my Fb today questioning why someone she thought to be between 10-12 was at the gynecologist's office. The tone of the question and the tone of several of the comments were heavy on the condemnation of the assumed promiscuity of this girl who no one actually knows nothing about including her age. At 20-21 I looked like a tween and since I was pregnant I was at the gyn office quite a bit and on the receiving end of more than a few snide remarks and affronted looks Those people like these had no information just assumptions and felt free to judge me based on them. In that case the assumptions were wrong but what if they had been right and I was a 12 yr old? Would that have made it right for people to treat me badly? People often wonder why kids don't seek adult help when things happen that are outside of their realm but right here we have a good example of one reason. Kids aren't dumb they know that regardless of why they need to go to the...

I hennaed my hair again today and it went well. I was concerned that the dye had not taken because my white spatula had no stains and neither did my skin where i spilled henna on it but after rinsing I found myself with very red strands where grey used to be. Quite a bit more grey than I'd realized I had in fact. I got Jamila this time and it was really smooth and easy to rinse out with great color. I'm sticking with it from now on. Because my estimation skills need a great deal of work I have about 3 large bottles of lemon juice and 2 of lime that remain unopened. I used 1 lime juice and half of a lemon. I guess I won't be needing to stock up for a while. I'm a goober. :)

Somehow yesterday conversation turned to accents. A friend has a parent who speaks something other than English as a first language and didn't teach it to the kids in order to keep them from speaking accented English. She was trying to keep them being discriminated against due to their speech. While I think learning more than one language especially as a kid rocks I do get the reasoning. When you've been mocked or dismissed based solely on how you talk it sticks out in your mind and who doesn't want to keep their kids from unnecessary pain? If only it were so simple.  I don't have a pin pointable accent. I sound like any middle classed north american when I talk which has been rather amusing in work situations where I've had phone interviews. When I show up in person people are often taken by surprise since based on my voice and speech patterns I'm most often assumed to be a young college educated white female. I am female so that's something.  Sad to say ...

Finding out that someone you admire gets inspiration from your life is trippy in a good way.

I saw something recently that made my eyebrows shoot up. There was a post about a sick master who choose not to religiously adhere to suggested things that would encourage a speedier recovery which was posted by the slave who was concerned and frustrated. The responses given to the slave by a variety of people active in kink were generally supportive but what puzzled me was how many people encouraged the slave to take control of the master to get compliance. I don't know what if any action the slave in question took so I'm not at all judging that, I'm just surprised at the comments that leaned toward setting aside M/s to deal with the illness. Since there was no indication of the master in this post having lost cognitive function I personally see no reason for such a reaction. It makes me think about when people say things about being M/s but putting is on the back burner when "life" getting in the way. A scenario such as the above is "life" but not in...