Friendship

Yesterday Das was talking to a friend of his from Canada, an ex girlfriend actually. They've known each other since they started dating at 19 and through their 7 yr relationship and now almost 20 yrs of friendship they have never stopped loving each other.  Even though I've always known this I was still taken a bit by surprise when he told her he loved her.  I envy their relationship, they haven't seen each other in years or even talked on the phone but once they did it was as if no time had passed for them. They fell right into their personal rhythm of comfort with each other. I saw the same thing when another friend of his came to town and met us for coffee a few years back. If I hadn't known that they hadn't been hanging out in years then I would have sworn that day was just one of many coffee dates they had weekly at a minimum they were so relaxed and in sync.  There wasn't even that generally anticipated awkward first 5 minutes that usually occur when you haven't seen someone in a while.

I haven't had that with anyone. My old friends have changed so substantially that were I to see them now it would be very stilted at best. Even with my family it's weird when I do see them even though we are in regular contact. I am not above thinking it may be me, I don't think I've fundamentally changed but I am more likely to express myself these days which can catch people off guard who don't remember me having that trait. Also I don't tend to share much of myself so when I'm separated from someone I withdraw even if we were close formerly.  It is something to think about am I making it impossible to have the very thing I say I want...