Adventures in Emmieland

I have been wearing dresses a lot more this year and one of the things I realized is that especially with the fit and flare style I prefer they fit better when I wear a bra. I hate wearing bras but I also hate ill fitting clothes so I sucked it up and bought a couple of bras early in the spring which didn't seem quite right somehow but I figured it was b/c bras are evil torture devices. I don't remember exactly when it occurred to me to look up info on bra sizing but man when I did it was like getting sucked into an alternate universe. So much information, so many websites! I spent hours jumping from site to site figuring out who had the most reliable info on sizing yourself and proper fitting. I was even able to find a site that had real life photos of women of different bra sizes in properly fitting bras which I looked at carefully so that I could get a good understanding of how different styles should look when they fit correctly. Finally I was ready to find out what my ...

I have seen a few posts recently talking about engaging in M/s when you can and I have to admit I don't understand it. When I think of doing something when I can it is along the lines of taking out the trash, putting away laundry, or running to the grocery store when I can eck out time in a busy schedule. Applying that mindset to the structure of my life doesn't seem reasonable.  The disconnect on my part could be from lack of a shared definition of M/s. I define it as absolute and all encompassing therefore by definition it could not be put on and off. Maybe I should skip these kinds of posts because instead of enlightening me about how others do things they just frustrate me due to the amazing amount of manipulation of words until they become meaningless followed by tantrums when people with differing definitions don't or can't relate. 

I ran across a discussion on obedience and I noticed a few of the slaves mentioned that they found it easy to be obedient because their masters did not ever ask them to do anything they felt was morally offensive, or that was unfair, nor give outrageous orders. There was of course the usual caveat that they took the time to find someone with whom they were compatible and could respect.  As is often the case I look at this discussions slightly differently. Obedience is what drives me so generally speaking I don't find it overly difficult. There have been in the past and will be in the future orders that I didn't agree with, that I found outrageous, that I found incredibly unfair and I struggled with those things but still I obeyed. My respect for Das has never been contingent on him mirroring my mores and ideals to the point that I would never be pushed outside of my comfort zone.  We trend the same way in most areas but we are by no means identical although we are closer now...

Working through things for me usually happens in bits and pieces, nothing as tidy as having it all done at once never to need to be revisited. Recently I have been thinking a lot about feeling like enough and what that means to me. One thing I've never quite gotten about poly is being able to be fully present with multiple people. In my experience someone gets left out to some degree, maybe not left completely out in the cold but I know I can't give the full force of my affection and attention to more than one partner at a time. This has caused me a fair deal of distress in the past because I've felt I was doing a disservice to my partners even when they weren't unhappy. I think the main problem was that I was projecting my feelings onto them. I knew that I had difficulties with feeling inadequate because my partners wanted to be with other people and assumed that they too felt that way when they didn't. When my ex told me he wanted to be non monogamous I was ok...

Finally! I decided to spend some time sprucing things up and am quite happy with how things are looking now. The blog feels much happier and not so sterile. I even added gadgets, woohoo go me. I did have some much needed help since I am notoriously technically impaired.  A bit of direction on how to navigate to the correct areas for picking themes and such but after that it was all me! It's been a nice laid back weekend which I like. The biggest excitement was Das getting a new motorcycle which he's been wanting to do for a while. We picked it out thursday, turned in all the stuff friday, and brought it home saturday. This morning he went for a long ride not long after dawn which left him relaxed and in a good mood. Soon he's going to take me out and I can hardly wait. I have gotten very sensitive to heat so I'm thinking a morning ride or an evening one would be best. Luckily it will be cooling off soon so we will have more good riding weather. I found a couple of c...

Sometimes I get tired of talking to people who say things to me like "why don't you just tell Das to do ..."  or "in the real world people don't really own each other..." or the various other things I sometimes hear. What frustrates me is how often I hear these things from people who have a fair amount of knowledge of M/s so you would think they would have a clue. If they were vanilla I could understand it better. I totally get why some M/s people really only socialize with other M/s people, it can be difficult to maintain friendships with people who insist on not seeing the choices you make in your relationship as an actual way of living and reducing it to playtime or a shared characterization that can be dropped at the slightest inconvenience. Enslavement isn't about legalities so while no if I ran away the sheriff wouldn't be bringing me back at this point I wouldn't run away. I am very much owned and this is real life. The very idea of me t...

Das took me to one of my numerous doctor appointments the other day and his offer to do so surprised me. It shouldn't have since he has taken me whenever possible especially if it wasn't a routine visit. There have been a few other things recently that I have found myself thanking him profusely for which he looked a bit perplexed by since to his mind what he's doing isn't anything special just what you do for someone you care about. He was glad I was appreciative of course but confused as to why I didn't just assume he would behave in those ways. I really had to think about it. As we talked about things it has become clear that although I have felt loved in my life it has always been provisional or at the very least I experienced it that way.  I didn't want to be a bother to him and further didn't think he wanted me to be.  The idea that he wants to be bothered is slowly but surely sinking in. When he says he wants all of me he doesn't just mean all of...

Sometimes I think my capacity to feel bad is broken. I received sad news this weekend and mostly I am numb maybe even resigned. I keep thinking I should should a lot worse. Where is the wailing, the railing against the injustice, the unbearable despair? The world has continued to spin and I have continued to laugh, to find joy in things, to smile randomly. I'm not besieged by panic and desperation at the fleeting nature of life. Maybe b/c I have been all too aware of it for a long time? I had fitful dream filled sleep last night. At different points I woke up briefly crying, heart pounding, confused. I don't remember what I dreamt only the feelings. Maybe in sleep I am able to mourn in the way that I simply can't while awake.

We went to the vampire night at the club last night, it was low key and I wouldn't mind going again. I had thought it would be more active in some way. We left around 11:30 though so it might have gotten hopping later. I enjoyed getting out a bit and happily my strapless dress had no wardrobe malfunctions. Yesterday was hectic, i had to make an emergency drive to Das' job to deliver a forgotten item, then on my way back I got lost. After about 45 minutes I realized I was well and truly turned around found a place to pull over and asked my gps to direct me homeward. Eventually I made it with just enough time to reprogram it to get me to an appt across town. Once that was taken care of I dropped by to hang with a friend for a bit then it was off on a mad search for pasta. Why is it that connelini noodles can't be found in this town? Then I hurried home to wait on a repair person who ended up showing up well into the 4 hour window they give. In all the hustle and bustle of...

Last night we were talking about human trafficking and I was expressing horror to Das over the personal story of someone I'd read an article about. He was not nearly as sympathetic as I was since he thought the story was not quite feasible. A conversation then ensued about my gullibility. He said that he thinks I am gullible not because I'm stupid but because I want to think the best of people and do so until or unless they give me a very good reason to do otherwise. He on the other hand doesn't require quite as much convincing that someone is full of shit.  It's nice to me that while he recognizes that trait in me and even sees where it can (and has) gotten me into some uncomfortable situations it's not something he would change about me. He simply sees it as something he needs to be alert to protecting me from other people who would take advantage of that aspect of my nature. I'm sure some would say that the adult and responsible thing would be for me to dev...

Not much going on here of late, finally recovered from a bout of heat exhaustion which had me laid low. I am sensing a theme this summer with my health. I think my body has been letting me know in rather direct terms that I need to slow down and rest more. Not that I thought I was all that busy before. One of the upsides of being horizontal for long stretches of time is reading. I have completed a series of sci-fi novellas as well as several essays and a few books over the last week. One of the books was a memoir and one was the Blue Lagoon.  A Tale of Two Cities is on my reading list too but right now I have a novel going. Today is my return to the wonderful world of housework, lol. I have decided that Das' clothing multiplies behind my back. Currently I'm taking a break from the pile of socks wanting to be matched.  We may be going to a local goth thing this week... not sure yet so not much to say about it. I hope we go I as I would love to check out that scene. I told D...

We were laying in bed this afternoon, hiding from the oppressive late day heat which our poor little air conditioner doesn't quite have the strength to combat when the conversation turned to things we liked about ourselves. I asked him first and he played along gamely ticking of this, elaborating on that, all in all giving me a deeper understanding of his vision of himself something that always makes me both giddy and grateful.  Then it was my turn. I tried not to think hard on my things and say freely what immediately came to mind however silly it might be. This tactic made for an interesting list that ranged from an appreciation of my ability to make other people smile to an enjoyment of the vaguely elvin shape of my ears, lol.  Even though I had a rather exhaustive list it can be (and was) summarized as "I like that I fit me"  It is funny how feeling right in yourself makes even the oddest things worthy of self admiration. We got to talking about notions of self an...

I have often heard it said that people should let bygones be bygones. In fact I often hear it said to me b/c I am not known for embracing people who I feel have wronged me in the past no matter how long ago that past was. Something about that has always bothered me and I think a big part of it is the idea that someone can treat me like crap and I'm always the one who is supposed to take the high road no matter what. It is somehow unbecoming if I don't speak well of them or don't want to interact with them but their behavior is excused or minimized. I have a problem with that. This morning I read a quote by Anne Lamott   “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”   That sums it up quite well to me, if you don't like the very true thing I have to say about you then it's on you for having behaved like a jerk. If it is a part of my story I'm not going to stop tell...

Love is a funny thing often debated and never quite defined in an agreed upon way. I heard the definition made popular by Heinlen ("love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own") and for a while thought it was the height of beauty and then something shifted in me. It no longer worked, it was too simplistic. I think in part because it only acknowledges love of someone else as at least the willingness to sacrifice of oneself which sounds nice but realistically isn't always the best thing or even a feasible thing to do. There are people that I can unequivocally say that I love who I have limited to no contact with. I love them but I also love me and in those cases loving me comes first.  Self love gets a bad rap. To acknowledge anything good about yourself is to be labeled vain, conceited, full of oneself, stuck up, or selfish. Setting boundaries gets you called out as callous and uncaring as if caring for yourself is a treasonou...

It's almost 5am and I've been up nearly 2 hours, obviously my erratic sleep habits are back. It was nice sleeping 6 - 8 hr stretches at a time while it lasted. I would love to participate in a sleep study since often even when I do sleep I wake up tired or I feel like I'm awake and aware but Das tells me that I'm snoring.  I'm rather curious what my brain waves are up to. The kid ended up out of the house last night and I can attest that being alone in the house with a sadist and a bunch of hurty things isn't the safest place to be. I could claim that all I wanted was to spoon and smooch and whisper poetry to each other, of course I'd be lying, lol.  An enjoyable time was had by all. I am glad he doesn't feel the need to be only one way, he doesn't censor himself whether that means he expresses a desire for cuddles or something more nefarious from my point of view.  I've learned things about cars and coding despite myself b/c he likes them an...

I decided on these two pictures as examples because well nudes have to go through Das and he has not given permission for public posting of them.

I have spent the last couple of days playing with self portraits again on my phone camera b/c I still haven't figured out the mechanism on my real camera.  Anyway that tends to be my go to perk me up when I'm not feeling myself as I am more than a tad vain and hell it's just fun to pose and then edit. I think I spend as much time laughing at all the bad pictures as I do cooing at the good ones. I discovered the magic of taking video and Das introduced me to iMovie, editing videos is much harder but just as much fun albeit in a different way.  My brilliant masterpiece is me walking across the room, turning around, pausing to smile and do that Vana White move (totally dating myself there) and walking back, lol.  Having not seen myself on video since I was about 14 I was surprised at how I walk, I'm very swishy. Why had no one told me, lol. I always thought I walked quite straight. It is also becoming more apparent to me why people so often mistake me for someone way you...