Not sad enough

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Sometimes I think my capacity to feel bad is broken. I received sad news this weekend and mostly I am numb maybe even resigned. I keep thinking I should should a lot worse. Where is the wailing, the railing against the injustice, the unbearable despair? The world has continued to spin and I have continued to laugh, to find joy in things, to smile randomly. I'm not besieged by panic and desperation at the fleeting nature of life. Maybe b/c I have been all too aware of it for a long time?

I had fitful dream filled sleep last night. At different points I woke up briefly crying, heart pounding, confused. I don't remember what I dreamt only the feelings. Maybe in sleep I am able to mourn in the way that I simply can't while awake.

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