Sometimes it's not about trust
It's funny how people will bring up trust sometimes in ways that seem to me to be using it like a weapon in a relationship. I just can't trust him is an oft heard refrain even when the events surrounding the declaration don't warrant it.
Take for example a discussion I recent came across online, a woman was lamenting that she could no longer trust her boyfriend of several years because she'd had a pregnancy scare and even though it turned out to be a false alarm and they were still together he'd told her that if she had been pregnant he would have left. On the surface one can see why she'd be mistrustful until reading further when she explains that he has had this stance from the beginning. She entered the relationship with him knowing that he adamantly did not want children (neither does she) and they both share in taking precautions against pregnancy. He doesn't demand she get an abortion if she were to become pregnant and he has told her he would provide for a child financially but he would not want to continue a relationship if it were to happen. Barring that unlikely event he sees them being together forever and loves her deeply.
Now after I'd read the backstory I was so confused as to why she was saying she could not trust him. He has been consistent in his desires and actions from day one. She decided it was something she could live with until the reality hit her square in the face. Then she changed, not him. If there was anyone in the scenario who is untrustworthy it's her. Not out of malice but an inability to follow through emotionally on the previous agreement. She has changed which isn't a crime and I don't blame her for that what I don't understand is why she is trying to demonize him for not changing.
What stood out to me is that they have come to a point where they no longer seem to be compatible, not because their is an actual baby but because she maybe for the first time believes he will do exactly what he has been telling her he would and she can't deal with that. He is not to be faulted for her lack of belief in his honesty or her secret belief that he would change over time or whatever it was that made her thing he didn't really mean what he said. Saying she can't trust him is shortcutting the real issue here. It's a way to not have to be introspective and hold herself accountable for her own choices. It's a way to make him the villain. It's sad.
Take for example a discussion I recent came across online, a woman was lamenting that she could no longer trust her boyfriend of several years because she'd had a pregnancy scare and even though it turned out to be a false alarm and they were still together he'd told her that if she had been pregnant he would have left. On the surface one can see why she'd be mistrustful until reading further when she explains that he has had this stance from the beginning. She entered the relationship with him knowing that he adamantly did not want children (neither does she) and they both share in taking precautions against pregnancy. He doesn't demand she get an abortion if she were to become pregnant and he has told her he would provide for a child financially but he would not want to continue a relationship if it were to happen. Barring that unlikely event he sees them being together forever and loves her deeply.
Now after I'd read the backstory I was so confused as to why she was saying she could not trust him. He has been consistent in his desires and actions from day one. She decided it was something she could live with until the reality hit her square in the face. Then she changed, not him. If there was anyone in the scenario who is untrustworthy it's her. Not out of malice but an inability to follow through emotionally on the previous agreement. She has changed which isn't a crime and I don't blame her for that what I don't understand is why she is trying to demonize him for not changing.
What stood out to me is that they have come to a point where they no longer seem to be compatible, not because their is an actual baby but because she maybe for the first time believes he will do exactly what he has been telling her he would and she can't deal with that. He is not to be faulted for her lack of belief in his honesty or her secret belief that he would change over time or whatever it was that made her thing he didn't really mean what he said. Saying she can't trust him is shortcutting the real issue here. It's a way to not have to be introspective and hold herself accountable for her own choices. It's a way to make him the villain. It's sad.
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