Adventures in Emmieland

Drama has gotta a bad rap. All the time people say "I don't do drama" as if on it's own drama is a terrible thing but drama by definition isn't negative at all. drama: an exciting, emotional, or unexpected series of events or circumstances.  What's so bad about that? I wonder if people really don't like excitement or emotions?  There does seem to be a lot of general discomfort with honest displays of emotions so that may be a part of it. I think a part of it too is that we are utilizing a fairly limited vocabulary to try and express a wide range of things.  The person who has normal ups and downs of life and handles them in a reasonable manner if not always a perfect one, most of us can deal with. On the other hand the person who seems to always be in crisis especially those of their own making and has terrible coping skills who exhausts us even when we spend minimal time in their presence or the person who is always snarky about everyone and generally u...

Talking to my mom yesterday I mention that Das would not allow me to eat his utterly delicious looking macaroni and cheese until he was satisfied with my intake of meat and vegetables. I actually used the word allow and we had a good laugh about him peering around on of the serving dishes after ordering me to get vegetables when I swore I already had, just to be sure I wasn't trying to scam him.  At no point in this conversation did my mother seem the least bit surprised, uncomfortable or perturbed that I her 39 year old daughter was having her food choices dictated to her by her mate.  This may seem amazingly progressive but really it's not, I just come from a very patriarchal family.  In her eyes Das is doing what any good man would/should be doing, laying down the law and looking out for the welfare of his woman. The fact that I'm happy counts for something but not for as much as him being obviously in charge of our household. I think this is one reason why being out...

If I have to keep buying different sized bras I will be able to open my own shop. I had to retake my measurements the other day in preparation for a runway show I will be participating in next month and realized that my chest measurements have changed considerably, again.  So I broke out the bra calculator and viola I am in yet another hard to find weird ass size that of course is not the same as any of the sizes I've been previously so I can't find anything in the  bra graveyard I keep in the closet.  Sigh.  I think I single handedly am keeping Fredrick's in business. :)  What I don't understand is how I could have lost 2 inches off my underbust, none of the very little amount of exercise I do targets that area. And I've only lost 2 pounds but all my measurements are down by a couple of inches...bodies are weird.  At least the weight loss has slowed down considerably. I no longer feel like the incredibly shrinking woman, lol. I think I'm maintaining now fo...

On FB yesterday I started participating in one of those popular little word games wherein a friend assigns you a letter and other friends use one word that starts with that letter to describe you, my letter was A.  Among other positive descriptors I got 3 adorables and a couple of allurings I'm pretty sure that is a few steps up from the numerous "sweet" that appears in my high school yearbook.  :)  This afternoon my dad decides to add his two cents to the list and his word was agonistic the meaning of which is argumentative. I saw it and just started shaking my head and laughing because I somehow doubt it has ever occurred to my dad that he is the only person I am that way with. In fact what made it extra funny to me is one of my friends actually described me as amiable higher up on the list. It made me think about my relationship with my parents which even when it's good it's bumpy.  Keeping the peace was a big thing in our house and even when you were right y...

He's doing it again, making me crazy. I've been all abuzz, my body feels quite electric and his smallest touch has my mind flying down to wallow in the gutter. Of course he finds this highly amusing while I find it to be a pain in the ass. We sleep curled up on one another, usually spooning with me as the little spoon. It's mighty hard to sleep when my awareness of him is ramped up 20x higher than usual so that even when I'm dog tired my thoughts run to all the things I want to do to him and him to me. Exhaustion brings me sleep but sleep doesn't bring me relief. When I remember my dreams they are filled with him and when I don't I still wake with a need to touch him. It's both sexual and not at the same time. I think it's that it's not just sex. I find I need to be near him, in his presence is good, touching him is better. If I could spend my days curled up next to him or on his lap I would.   I read a post by a woman I don't know and in it s...

I have spent a good portion of the day looking at lolita dresses and blogs. It all started when I joined a lolita group on fet and saw a petition someone was circulating about lolita being a misunderstood lifestyle, well I had no idea that it was a lifestyle, I just liked the clothes so further research was in order.  A few goggle searches later I came across a blog that explained what a lolita is and isn't, how to start a wardrobe on a budget, recommendations for behavior, all kinds of things. It was truly enlightening. Now I highly doubt I will ever be a lifestyle lolita b/c well like I said I just like the clothes and I am apparently doing it all wrong. I like looking like jailbait, that's a huge part of the attraction for me, it is sexual and meant to attract male attention. Since that is the opposite of  what they state being a lolita is about I'm pretty sure my views would not be welcome on a mainstream site. I do love that I found the blog though because it had g...

The beginning of this week was busy, running around getting stuff filed, doctor's appointments, random shopping and whatnot. Yesterday we just relaxed. In fact I might have actually collapsed.  I am tired this morning, probably b/c I insisted on waking up several times last night for no good reason other than weird dreams. Leprechans, enchanted rivers, running away from unknown evil and something that was important in the last dream but fuzzy now. If I don't write down or speak my dreams right away I generally lose them even though I don't lose the feeling of them. Today we get a new fence on one side, exciting stuff since our fence is insisting on falling down. You know it's time for something to be done when the city sends you a sweetly worded reminder letter of the fencing standard. Even happier t this moment that we rent. :) I had completely forgotten how long brands take to stop hurting and pulling. I am reminded every time I flop down or bend over, lol. From t...

We had a fun filled busy weekend that I am now recovering from by firmly planting myself on the couch listening to music lounging against pillows.  A slave's life is hard I tell you. :)  On friday morning we took the bike for my first long ride about an hr out of town to visit a friend for a few hours.  Das' bike is not a cruiser so an hour or so is about all that is comfortable on my poor butt.  It wasn't too warm yet so the ride was lovely. It did start to drizzle as soon as we left home but luckily it stopped before we'd gone a mile and it was clear the rest of the way. Our visit was delightful, I love our friends. The ride home was considerably warmer but still good though tiring so we rested a few hours before heading to the music festival to catch a couple of shows. We were going to take the bike because motorcycle parking was right by the venue but Das was too tired and frankly so was I. The parking lot we parked at ended up being about 2.5 miles from the ve...

I saw a writing on fet this morning about being modest in the scene being ok and that is a sentiment by itself that I agree with. What I am leery of was the implication I saw ribbon through the writing and in some of the comments that being modest equates to having self respect. This is a personally bone of contention for me partly because I am not modest in a sexually expressive way, in the way I dress in or out of the scene. I have no problems with displaying my body in clothing that is in some way revealing and in avenues where it is appropriate being naked. I also have a good deal of self respect. Those are not mutually exclusive and I really wish people would stop acting as if they were. The idea that covering up is indicative of a higher moral character and greater sense of self worth is not a new one but it is one that serves no purpose but to control people either directly or indirectly. It uses shame and fear of judgement to keep those who might well want to be less covere...

Cultivating an awareness of myself that is constant is something I have had trouble with my entire life. I've had a tendency to check out and lose time since I can remember. One thing I've been noticing over the last little while is that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm here in myself all the time and sometimes it's exhausting. A side effect of this that I had not anticipated is a considerable lowering of my pain threshold. I used to be able to tolerate a great deal of pain, I didn't like it but I could handle it. What I'm realizing is that now everything hurts faster and more intensely than it did before which has been freaking me out a bit honestly.   I feel like a huge crybaby when I flinch or yelp after what used to be routine abuse. And anything amped up leaves me both in a rage and broken down in tears. It’s the rage I don’t know what to do with right now. I remember it served me well once, fueling me enough to not completely break. Getting my mind...

Das and I were talking about trust today. I had a friend tell me years ago (she repeated it several times when I needed to hear it actually) that trust is a decision and over our years together I have certainly put that into action. We have both had incidents in which the apparent evidence pointed one way and what was said pointed another so at an impasse we had to decide to trust in each other.  I am glad that we did.  One thing about both of us is that when it comes to people we care about we err on the side of being overtrusting which isn't a bad thing in my estimation. I'd rather that than not trust enough. It does leave one open to being taken advantage of but life is about risks so I say why not live with abandon. As we mulled over our at times rocky past we both expressed a gratefulness for the things we've been through. There isn't a feeling of foreboding about what the future may bring b/c we have already been through enough to know that we can get through ...

Sometimes I get caught up in the thought that since I vowed obedience then there would never be an occasion when force would come into play. This is not a reasonable thought as I actually know from experience. I want to be obedient and do my best to comply with everything he asks as quickly and effortlessly as possible but "as possible" often varies greatly. There are times when he asks me something that I just can't find it in me to gather the energy to do without some external encouragement. That can be a bit of gentle cajoling or dragging me by my hair, whipping  my ass and physically making me comply.  Just depends on a multitude of factors. A simple example is anal sex, I am prone to hemorrhoids so anal isn't always high on my list of activities that I want to engage in. Sometimes he will ask me if I'm up for it and I will tell him yes or no depending on the state of my bottom. At that point if I say no he nods and moves on to something else. Now at other...