Moving Forward

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Cultivating an awareness of myself that is constant is something I have had trouble with my entire life. I've had a tendency to check out and lose time since I can remember. One thing I've been noticing over the last little while is that I'm not doing that anymore. I'm here in myself all the time and sometimes it's exhausting. A side effect of this that I had not anticipated is a considerable lowering of my pain threshold. I used to be able to tolerate a great deal of pain, I didn't like it but I could handle it. What I'm realizing is that now everything hurts faster and more intensely than it did before which has been freaking me out a bit honestly.  I feel like a huge crybaby when I flinch or yelp after what used to be routine abuse. And anything amped up leaves me both in a rage and broken down in tears.

It’s the rage I don’t know what to do with right now. I remember it served me well once, fueling me enough to not completely break. Getting my mind and body to realize I’m no longer in a place where it’s needed, that I can succumb to the pain and that weakness isn’t going to be used to destroy me is a difficult thing. Perhaps I’m making it more difficult that it needs to be but right now I don’t know what else to do. I’m flailing. Das is pushing, a bit more here and there, poking tender spots taking me to the line of almost breaking but hasn’t yet pushed me over the edge. I’m not sure what will happen when he does and I am rather terrified. There have been a few times recently when I’ve prayed for the relief of blacking out and it’s been denied. Having to fully experience myself in pain is more than physically painful. It hurts my heart, I cry like I won’t ever stop crying and even while doing it I berate myself for my weakness, telling myself to buck up and take it.

Being soft is not for me just an external practice of oils and lotions. The real work, the softness that counts the most is the softening of the walls I’ve surrounded myself with. Letting him into my head was so easy comparatively. Logically I know I can’t force anything, which will just make it worse all around. I need to stop resisting and I need to not push forward either. Letting myself be guided through will bring me to where he wants me to be but how do I do that?


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