Adventures in Emmieland

I have not traditionally been a possessive person in my relationships but with Das things are different, not completely surprising as this relationship is different than any I've ever had. He mentioned that I have become more adamant about wanting to maintain the status quo as far as our monogamy  lately and he's right.  Of course since I'm the slave around here it's not like I get to dictate these things. What I have noticed is that when things plateau between us I relax and the thought of things changing while somewhat uncomfortable doesn't send me into a tailspin. However we don't spend much time in the land of plateau, it seems that as soon as I catch my breath we are moving into new territory emotionally. I keep thinking there can't possibly be any more ways degrees of dependance and vulnerability, I'm always wrong.  Venturing into uncharted waters makes me want to hold on to what I know for fear that if anything changes I will be left unanchored ...

I am now on a shiny new computer *squee*!  Das was pained about how slow my old machine was so he decided to upgrade me. I hadn't even realized just how slow the other one was until this one was all set up but wow the difference is amazing. I am still with a mac just a newer one. A Macbook Air this time because it's nice and light and I have a fondness for laying on the couch with my computer on my lap. It also doesn't run hot which is a huge bonus, the old Mac actually left a burn on my right thigh when I neglected to put something between my tender skin and it. :(  Anyway he spent all evening/night yesterday migrating my information from the old machine to this one so that I would not have to rebuild from scratch. Just for this capability alone I may never go back to a PC. Not much has been going on the last couple of days Monday I went on a cleaning spree and did several loads of laundry starting early in the morning before I faced the perils of highway driving. I went...

Sometimes when I am discussing one thing what I'm really meaning is 5 other things and when he says something I hear something completely different. Such was the case earlier this week which led to hurt feelings on my side and exasperation on his. One thing that I have always appreciated about us is that we can talk about anything and the only time I held back thinking  "maybe this one topic should be left alone" it led to long term repercussions so I have learned my lesson on that front. Now while there are times when I hold my tongue for a couple of hours or even days depending on timing, moods, availability, and such, everything gets brought before him. He is big on validating my feelings and when he doesn't agree with the route my mind took to arrive at whatever feeling I have then he works on re-routing me in various ways. The re-routing this time wasn't actually so much getting me to think differently about things as it was helping me to get to the botto...

We were talking about sex yesterday and Das mentioned that he had known a few women who absolutely hated everything about the man being in control during sex and without even thinking about it I said then they really shouldn't be having sex with men. He laughed and pointed out what I had just said.  I suppose like with everything else my own experiences color my perceptions and ideas but I don't see how anyone can realistically deny that there are some basic differences between men and women and during heterosexual P in V sex men are the one with more control. They are bigger, stronger and setting the pace.  Generally I agree with the sentiment that there are no submissive actions only intentions but being penetrated is the exemption for me, I find it inherently submissive. I have been the penetrator on a few occasions and while I didn't get the giddy power rush that I understand some women get when donning a cock it was a different experience. For that time I was in cha...

I've been thinking about words. Words mean things and often when talking to people it makes life so much easier when you have a shared definition on certain words. The things is I personally can't stand is when people get so hung up on the "correct" definitions that they lose sight of the fact that the same words can be use colloquially and refuse to consider context at all when talking to people, or any context outside of the one familiar to them. I live in the south (so they say, I'm not convinced TX is actually the south) and I grew up in the south (NC) but because it was 2 different states common words aren't always used the same way which on occasion has led to some funny moments in conversations with my TX born and bred friends.  I have here and there run into someone who erroneously thinks that because I use a word a certain way I am clueless as to it's literal meaning and feels the need to lecture me instead of simply accepting the way I casually...

Tonight there is wine to be tasted. I get to put on a skirt and heels for the occasion and I even bought a cute headband to dress up the hair a bit. I'm not sure how much I can drink without becoming a tipsy mess but i guess I am about to find out, lol. During my excursions today I picked up a couple of casual tops since the only tops I own are tanks and sweaters something that isn't quite either needed to make it's way into my closet. Wohoo new jeans and now tops I will look like a new woman soon if this keeps up.  Now that the music is going nicely I really have to stop dragging my feet and conquer the kitchen....

I had such a good weekend that today I'm toast, lol.  It wasn't a back to back activities busy weekend although we did do something Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  I was both happy and sad to see one of my friends on Sunday who is moving out of town shortly. I'm going to miss her mischievous smile and although I have no intention of losing contact with her not being able to say "hey wanna come by for dinner" on a whim is a sad thing for me. I am happy for her having new adventures though. Life is bittersweet like that.  It's a good thing she is already on my short list of people who I will talk to on the phone, lol. I look forward to hearing all about the turns her life takes.

Today is the man's birthday. He doesn't like a big fuss being made so I'm not making one. We went out with friends on a long planned outing last night that was only supposed to last about an hr or so, nearly 5 hrs later Das poured my tired ass into the car, lol. It was a lot of fun and we have all determined we must do it again. Not much sexier than domly ones puffing on cigars while us s-types get tipsy while still keeping an eye out for their needs. I loved the low key but attentive vibe of the night. Although I wasn't dressed up by any means I looked cute, extra much since I had finally broken down and bought some damned jeans that fit, lol. I went to the dreaded mall to get a lipstick (somehow 2 followed me home a near hot pink and a bright red) and Express lured me in with promises of well fitting pants. It was a gamble since I don't actually know what size I wear at this point it but the sales clerks were quite helpful and accurate at visually gauging my siz...

Today's broadcast is brought to you by All I Have - Jennifer Lopez ft LL Cool J  ;) Since I am on a "my music" kick I figured I would just go with it, lol. I have always loved this song. When it came out I was working as an insurance agent traveling all over eastern NC by myself. Anyone who knows me knows I have a negative sense of direction so this was no easy feat. Something about this song was empowering it had that feel of "I got this" which I needed an extra boost of when I was lost in the backwoods at night trying to figure out where I'd made a wrong turn and calculate how much gas I had left before things got ugly if I couldn't find a town that looked like it would be safe for me to stop and fill up in.  I had a lot of adventures in that job even though I made very few sales. I still love the song but now the line that really hits me is LL Cool J's refrain "pride is what you HAD babygirl I'm what you HAVE"  It makes me laugh...

I've been playing with myspace putting together a playlist of fun music i loved from the 90s and beyond. I use music so much to express my feelings which is not to say that I pick extremely artsy music, I'm addicted to pop with a good helping of hip hop and a smattering of rap. There are also dashes of rock in there as well as reggae and various other genres. Anyway... As I was bopping along Crazy in Love came on and even though I've heard it before it's been a while and somehow I'd never paid much attention to the words before.  This part stick out because it summs me up so well. Got me looking so crazy, my baby I'm not myself lately I'm foolish, i don't do this I've been playing myself Baby i don't care Cuz your love got the best of me And baby you're making a fool of me You got me sprung and i don't care who sees Cuz baby you got me so crazy In the last couple of weeks I have changed a few things, I made my relationship status o...

Today has been a day of serving by having multiple naps. That's a thing I'm sure. I am still sick, in fact I am sicker, bleh.  My self diagnosis is a sinus infection which is making my asthma worse. I have been ordered to make a doctor's appointment if I have not made a miraculous recovery by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest.  I really really do not like going to the doctor probably since I go so freaking often.  I am grateful that I am able to go though. A side effect of the ickies is that my voice is all but gone so I have not said more than 10 words all day. This forced silence is odd, I'm usually quite chatty when Das is home unless he is asleep.  We have exchanged some IMs but it's not the same. I don't type quickly or well so I am more deliberate with what I chose to say via IM than if I'm talking.  He wrote  9 page paper during one of my stretches of little communication. I wonder how much I distract him usually. It's possible that it's not m...

When I heard about the acquittal of G. Zimmerman I wasn't surprised, saddened by yet another blatant example of justice being neither blind nor just, definitely, but not surprised.  What surprises me is that so many people seem to be surprised. Surrounding this case I have seen conversations on FB that startled me in their naiveté and in some cases willful ignorance. People who claim to have the best of intentions say things without a hint of irony like "only a small percentage of people look at someone and judge them by the color of their skin"  I did manage to refrain from adding my unasked for 2 cents to that conversation but I wondered mightily what oasis in the US they were living in so that I could make plans to move. I've seen people wonder aloud for what was seemingly the first time about the possibility of their future children being in the same danger due to being mixed race even though they have been involved with a PoC for years.  It makes me wonder why ...

This off again on again sick thing is getting old. I am more than ready to just feel better and go with that so why isn't my body getting the typed, doubled spaced, spelled checked, memo?  *grumble*  Getting aligned with your owner is one thing, sympathizing with his health issues to the point of displaying the same symptoms is taking things entirely too far. Back to bed with me to continue moaning dramatically while sipping on hot tea and wishing ginger ale appeared from thinking about it really hard.  What, me melodramatic...  :)

I've been listening to 2pac & DMX this week and today I threw in Bonnie &Clyde (Jay-Z) and in basking in the music of my late teens/early twenties a theme peeked out at me.  I am not a fan of rap as a genre particularly not gansta rap so on the surface my enjoyment of these artists seems odd even to me but I have always felt moved by their music.  In listening to specific songs like Keep Your Head Up,  Come Back In One Piece, Dogs For Life, Dear Mamma, and Bonnie & Clyde I started thinking about how they all in one way or another dealt with love, life, and a certain type of masculinity in which one of the manifestations is that they are men who handle their business in whatever way that needs to happen. They are portrayed as men of depth and complexity who while they wouldn't hesitate to take someone out, they also enjoy fine things, and feel deeply without any shame in expressing it.  If you mess with what is theirs your are taking your life into you...

Several years ago a friend read us an advice column in a pervy magazine in which the general premise of advice was "if you had dreams of being fucked up down and sideways day and night but your master decides he wants his dick sucked instead... guess what cocksucker."   This really resonated with with me because it brought home very succinctly the point that it is not about me. I signed up for this ride and he's driving so I need to shut my mouth (or open it as ordered) and do what I agreed to do. This tends to be my first thought when I read various threads on fet also. In fact the phrase is often used even in non kink contexts in our house because it is wonderfully versatile. Whenever someone is bitching about something they agreed to do or is obligated to in some way Das and I tend to exchange looks and if we are alone "guess what cocksucker" falls from one or both of our lips in short order. It makes us laugh but it also gets across a very real feeling we ...

I love makeup it fun and sometimes sparkles and is often bright & cheery, with that said I rarely wear it. My idea of having my face "done" is a swipe of lipstick, if I'm feeling extra fancy I will add mascara but most often I run around with near transparent lip gloss on and call it a day. I've never been expected to wear makeup for work or at least no one ever mentioned it to me directly which looking back on it is kinda surprising given the number of client facing jobs I had where presentation was stressed. I was the one with the strictest dress code as the receptionist/front desk person at several jobs so while the rest of the office was allowed to bum around in jeans, t-shirts, and flip flops I was expected to wear slacks, proper shoes and blouses. I've been in numerous conversations  where people have expressed surprise at the fact that I was never policed for my lack of makeup or assumed that I must have worked in small mom&pop type spaces and are...

I just watched a video in which a male actor talks about his epiphany of interesting women being overlooked by men due to not meeting societal ideals of physical attractiveness. This was brought about by his playing a woman in a movie and while he was able to be made up to look convincing as a woman the people in charge of such things were not able to make him into a woman he thought was beautiful. when he saw himself on screen he realized that he was an interesting woman in his role and yet he himself would not have interacted with himself as a woman.  It was supposed to be a feel good story. My reaction is not one of glee and validation though, it's overwhelmingly irritation. How often and how long have women been complaining about having to meet stringent beauty standards and falling outside of them rending one invisible in even nonromantic situations. Why does a story about a man realizing his own prejudices  because he was not as beautiful as he...

At MasT friday we talked about independence and dependence and I said something about Das really starting the process of dependence with me by removing my emotional safety nets. I have been thinking more about the emotional and practical risks involved. He was asking me to commit myself fully to being his while leaving behind my socially acceptable, legally binding, comfortable and happy relationship where I had a reasonable expectation that my basic needs would be met. He wasn't offering me anything in return other than the possibility of happiness. He was married to someone else so there wasn't even the option of being legally bound. It was an exercise in trust, not so much in him but in myself. Did I trust myself to make good decisions? I did and I do. Things have worked out in ways neither of us anticipated but through it we stayed committed to not only each other individually but to the dynamic we created. The almost two years we lived semi together and semi a...

I am probably the last person on earth to see the episode of So I Married... on VH1 that showcased a M/s couple (who were in a poly family) but I came across the link recently on fet and watched it on my computer.  It wasn't badly done in my estimation but like the few other media representations of M/s that I have seen it focused heavily on scening, protocol, and SSC. Also right at the beginning when the woman was defining what a slave was she was quick to emphasis the "strong woman who decides to submit" concept which is true for some people but I don't personally think is the definition of a slave, that is getting into individual personality inclinations. The show did do a good job in finding people who seemed genuinely happy with their lives and not someone for whom you would want to stage an intervention. I can't imagine the amount of trepidation that goes into deciding to do something like that show since no matter how well you comport yourself and ...

Sometimes service looks a little like hurting him. Tonight i had to play nurse and do something painful to Das at his behest. Now I knew that the end result would be his eventual comfort but man I hate causing people pain in general. If I am enjoying hurting you then you have pissed me off pretty badly. Most of the time though I can do things with a near clinical detachment if I know it is necessary and I'm efficient, as gentle as possible, and calm but inside I'm all smooshy and squeaking and hand wring, it's exhausting.  I wear many hats from personal assistant to home health provider to exotic dancer (I wonder if I can convince him that I need one of those portable poles...) and I have come to be able to slide from one to another without much fuss but I still greatly prefer it when my role does not include being the bearer of pain, it makes my hands shake when it's over. That's me all over though, great in a crisis, completely falls apart once it has been man...

i fell asleep a bit after 7pm last night and even though I really wanted more sleep by 3am I was fully awake. That is the downside of going to bed so early for me, I can never sneak in those extra hours.  Even worse is the fact that I was going to enjoy early morning cake and hot chocolate but someone else got there first! :(  Early morning grapes just don't have the same "yum" factor but I suppose I can try. Yesterday was a fun day as we had a friend over for lunch. She hung out with us for several hours. One thing I like about hanging out with her is that conversations are always all over the place, we talk work, sex, exercise, music, soccer, fashion, child rearing... no one really knows  what what come up we just go. I love that.  We have established a pretty nice rythme when she comes over for lunch or dinner. Das cooks, I plate, serve and clear. I have the loveseat to myself and they take either end of the couch.  I find it amusing how quic...

I read someone's account of their interaction with their stylist and my mind wandered to the early days of getting my hair done. When I was a kid I had thick ass hair, well it's still pretty thick but now thankfully no one has to comb it. Anyway there came the point where my parents decided to let a professional deal with it and off to the hair dresser I went, I think I was around 12.  She did an awesome job, she was gentle,  patient, and talked to me in soothing tones the entire time. She even managed to press my hair without burning my ears.  Her shop was small and intimant. I loved going to her and felt quite beautiful every time I went. Sadly this was not to be my experience with beauticians after she retired. Once I changed salons I started hearing how incredibly thick my hair was and what a chore it was to do, from the beauticians being paid to do it.  I didn't have a relaxer until I was a few months from my 20th birthday and very few people were thrilled wit...

So I'm thinking of starting a new blog, well obviously I've gotten past the thinking stages since here I am but I am still not sure just how this is going to go. It might be a continuation of my old blog or I might take it in a different direction, just not sure yet. The reason for the change though is that my previous host is making changes which I think are ultimately not going to work out long term and I think it's time for me to ease out gracefully, not sure if blogger will be my final home or not though. That remains to be seen. I enjoy blogging, it gives me a place to rant, ponder, blather, and share.  In upcoming posts I shall test the waters and see how this format works for me.