Here we go again
Sometimes when I am discussing one thing what I'm really meaning is 5 other things and when he says something I hear something completely different. Such was the case earlier this week which led to hurt feelings on my side and exasperation on his.
One thing that I have always appreciated about us is that we can talk about anything and the only time I held back thinking "maybe this one topic should be left alone" it led to long term repercussions so I have learned my lesson on that front. Now while there are times when I hold my tongue for a couple of hours or even days depending on timing, moods, availability, and such, everything gets brought before him. He is big on validating my feelings and when he doesn't agree with the route my mind took to arrive at whatever feeling I have then he works on re-routing me in various ways.
The re-routing this time wasn't actually so much getting me to think differently about things as it was helping me to get to the bottom and express what exactly was going on with me. It was obvious to him that I was attaching way more significance to what seemed to him to be a petty issue so he decided a bit of deeper questioning was in order. A bit of probing and cajoling had me spilling my guts about various insecurities and nonsensical associations which when all wrapped together resulted in really big feelings. 6.5 years in and he's still learning new things about me, 39 years and I'm still learning things about myself. I think it's pretty awesome.
Articulating my feelings is not something that comes easily to me, I shut down at the barest hint that I'm not being listened to or worse yet that my feelings will become a source of ridicule. I'd rather be thought of as cold an unfeeling than make myself vulnerable but that isn't a choice I get to have with Das. Lately I have found myself vacillating between panic and euphoria. I assume he's peeled back yet another level of my protective armor without me realizing it and now that I know it's missing danger signals are being tripped left and right. Now that we've identified it I'm sure things will calm down, at least until next time. Maybe by then I'll have a clue and a better grip on myself but I'm not holding my breath.
One thing that I have always appreciated about us is that we can talk about anything and the only time I held back thinking "maybe this one topic should be left alone" it led to long term repercussions so I have learned my lesson on that front. Now while there are times when I hold my tongue for a couple of hours or even days depending on timing, moods, availability, and such, everything gets brought before him. He is big on validating my feelings and when he doesn't agree with the route my mind took to arrive at whatever feeling I have then he works on re-routing me in various ways.
The re-routing this time wasn't actually so much getting me to think differently about things as it was helping me to get to the bottom and express what exactly was going on with me. It was obvious to him that I was attaching way more significance to what seemed to him to be a petty issue so he decided a bit of deeper questioning was in order. A bit of probing and cajoling had me spilling my guts about various insecurities and nonsensical associations which when all wrapped together resulted in really big feelings. 6.5 years in and he's still learning new things about me, 39 years and I'm still learning things about myself. I think it's pretty awesome.
Articulating my feelings is not something that comes easily to me, I shut down at the barest hint that I'm not being listened to or worse yet that my feelings will become a source of ridicule. I'd rather be thought of as cold an unfeeling than make myself vulnerable but that isn't a choice I get to have with Das. Lately I have found myself vacillating between panic and euphoria. I assume he's peeled back yet another level of my protective armor without me realizing it and now that I know it's missing danger signals are being tripped left and right. Now that we've identified it I'm sure things will calm down, at least until next time. Maybe by then I'll have a clue and a better grip on myself but I'm not holding my breath.
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