service pain

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Sometimes service looks a little like hurting him. Tonight i had to play nurse and do something painful to Das at his behest. Now I knew that the end result would be his eventual comfort but man I hate causing people pain in general. If I am enjoying hurting you then you have pissed me off pretty badly. Most of the time though I can do things with a near clinical detachment if I know it is necessary and I'm efficient, as gentle as possible, and calm but inside I'm all smooshy and squeaking and hand wring, it's exhausting.  I wear many hats from personal assistant to home health provider to exotic dancer (I wonder if I can convince him that I need one of those portable poles...) and I have come to be able to slide from one to another without much fuss but I still greatly prefer it when my role does not include being the bearer of pain, it makes my hands shake when it's over. That's me all over though, great in a crisis, completely falls apart once it has been managed. Maybe a shot of whiskey in order...in the name of service of course ;)

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