Adventures in Emmieland

Feeling so much better, yay!!!  And I've stopped crying at everything thankfully.  Emotional rollercoasters are not my ride of choice. I'm more of a tea cup kind of girl. I was thinking about modesty yesterday modesty in dress particularly. I don't have all that much. I don't always dress overtly sexy but I rarely dress in a way that could be considered modest as in nondescript and not attention grabbing in some way. Take yesterdays outfit for instance. It wasn't skin baring at all, way too chilly for that but a waist length chunky black/red sweater with a cowl neck and a black skater skirt, red tights and black ankle boots is not a fade into the background outfit. I love wearing bright colors and odd color mixes as well as short skirts/dresses and things that show a bit of cleavage. I'm also fond of sneakers and pair them with skirts regularly. I think my style is fun. It confuses me when I see all these style rules about what you can and can't wear bas...

Yesterday I had two different friends make remarks about how good Das and I am together. We are, but it's always kinda odd but cool when someone else says it. I tend to wonder just what it is they are seeing. I mean I know why I think we are awesome and all but what are they drawing that conclusion on. I spent yesterday laid up being pitiful and Das babied me a bit in between getting stuff done. I'm hoping real food can be eaten today I feel like I'm shrinking after just one day of mostly liquids and soft foods. My stomach still feels rather unsettled though so maybe not... I used to think pms was practically a myth but sometime in the last 5 years I can't pinpoint exactly when, it has become clear that I have a serious case of it. The length of time that my emotions are on a roller coaster seems to continue to grow longer, at this rate I won't have any time that I'm not an emotional wreck. I know all last week I kept tearing up at the damndest things, every...

I love being a woman, I do not however appreciate my body losing it's damned mind because I am a woman. Last night I spent several hours being so sick I could barely move. Chills, inverted fever (95.9F) nausea, massive loss of bodily fluids in an indelicate manner, dizziness near to passing out. Das thought I had a particularly nasty virus that has been going around but no we quickly ascertained that I wasn't "sick" my cycle had started. Sigh, and I didn't even mention the pain. I'm tired, maybe completely wrung out would be a more accurate description. Whatever I'm going back to bed, hopefully more sleep will do a nice bodilly reset.

Someone I've known for a while about 15 years, put up a post on FB that basically said they were all for drug testing welfare recipients b/c hard working people had to take drug test so why shouldn't people on welfare have to? I was a bit shocked to see it on her timeline given all the things I know she's been through since I've known her and all the help she's received from various sources including the state over the years. When I responded not to the politics of the statement but to the lack of compassion and judgement I felt was inherent in it she didn't respond. Someone else she knows responded to the legalities of the constitutional rights being trod upon, that she responded to. Her response gave me pause because she didn't respond so much about the constitution but about the taxpayers money. Her main concern was punishing the minority of people who could be caught doing drugs by these mandatory testing programs and not using the funds in a way that ...

And just like that I feel better. No real reason I just do. The car still won't work although we did make it home, I still had to cancel my weekend plans and yet I no longer feel life is out to get me. Not even sure when it changed, smh. Moods are strange indeed. Sometimes I feel so very much his. I've heard people talk about maintenance beatings, I don't get those. When he beats me it's just because he's in the mood. That extra owned feeling often comes up during sex. That orgasms have gone beyond fun to torturous kinda sex that makes it evident that my body doesn't even listen to my wishes anymore. It performs at his command. Traitorous bitch.  i've heard rumors that women get more sexual as they move into their 40s. If this is true I'm not sure I want to imagine the many ways he's plotting to use that against me.  I'm exhausted, I need to lay down, on the couch, fully dressed...where it's safe. :)

As I sit in the car that refuses to go after we have put considerable effort into making it more go-able I find myself having to work extra hard not to fall into the downward spiral of believing nothing I want ever goes right.  Today I was supposed to be having my long awaited photo shoot. Right now in fact. And afterwards we had plans to mom on pizza with friends. Instead we are stuck on the side of the road at the mercy of a temperamental vehicle that was actual working better before we took it to the shop.   I was also supposed to get my charm clasp replaced this morning as we discovered it is not big enough but Das got busy then watched the game and there was no time, sigh. It has been one of those days where depression or maybe despondency sneaks up on me making me feel as if the very universe is conspirering against my happiness. Good thing I already took my antidepressants now they just need to kick in.

This week has flown by and I have no idea what I was doing. There was a haze of cuddles, sex, food, chocolate, (b/c chocolate and food are not the same) reading, and talking.  I'm hard pressed to come up with details though. I've been having a hard time being still mentally. Physically I haven't done a whole lot of getting off the couch but mentally I'm all over the place,  I'm learning about astrology and still working on photography. Trying to find different ways to come at it that didn't leave me a ball of frustration when after much tweaking I still end up with fuzzy pictures every time I pick up my good camera. Das is a genius and has much better google-foo than I, after I was near tears from the fact that fancy-ish point and click digital camera runs out of battery power after no more than 3 pictures making it very annoying to use even though it takes great pictures he found the proper camera battery for it and ordered it for me. I will soon be able to t...

We were sitting around chatting and playing on the internet in turns when the subject of asking for things came up. I mentioned how amazed I was that it had just hit me that I now ask for things and don't feel like the value is diminished by having to ask in the first place. he said that it is probably because I know that he has no problems saying no to me and so there isn't a feeling that I've coerced him into doing or giving me something that he didn't want to. I know whatever it is he's doing it because he wants to do it which leaves me free to enjoy it.  I have to agree with that. There is another reason I'm comfortable asking now. I am no longer concerned that I'll be dismissed out of hand. Most of my life I've feared that my desires and worries would be brushed off if I voiced them and I'd rather leave them unsaid than deal with that potential heartache. With Das I feel safe. I know there is a chance that he will say or do something hurtful, ...

I'm thinking about negotiation in terms of bdsm scenes and it's something of a stretch because i've never done it. The only experience i have outside of Das is with a friend years (over 10 years ago now) who was kinky. I didn't know it had a name or that there was a scene or a "proper" way things should go. He was a friend who I had sex with who liked to bind me, spank me, and role play with sex. No big deal to me at the time I could take it or leave it, it was just friendly sex. So that's the angle  I am coming from in the discussion. With him there was never any negotiation, it was me agreeing to do what he liked because I was comfortable with him and trusted he wouldn't do anything bad to me. I hadn't known him terribly long when we started and I hadn't asked for references although we had a few mutual  friends who seemed to like him well enough. I'd observed him interacting with others a few times before talking to him and I got a goo...

Dreaming has taken on new heights recently. Last night was a doozy for instance. I remember Das, some random child and I were running around a city protecting some woman who was in a safe house from a crazed abusive ex. At some point the three of us were in a car and he was on a rampage through the city and found us, next thing I know Das and the kid were on the street and I was driving the car and the crazed ex came right at me stabbing me in the thigh through the car as I was trying to run him over. Weirdest thing is I felt the stab and it hurt! At that point I recall saying in my head "I don't care for the direction of this dream, I think I'll wake up" and then I woke up. My thigh was still slightly sore but my head was pounding so badly I couldn't lift it off the pillow. That's been an issue since the weekend, I've had a headache that as soon as I think it's gone away it comes back. It's gone most of the day but at night once I lay down it di...

I was telling Das that as much as I loved the idea of marrying him and getting married was fun I don't think of him as my husband. I can say with ease that we are married but everytime it comes up I either call him my boyfriend or pause a minute and say husband but the word doesn't flow off my tongue, it feel alien and untrue somehow.  Most of the time I manage to sidestep calling him anything but Das anyway. Although yesterday I realized after the fact that I called him daddy both at a coffee shop and at the mall, oh well I've just about given up that fight. Never seems to so much as raise an eyebrow anyway. We talked about why husband feels so wrong to me and we both think it has to do with the societal ideas that husband evokes. Boyfriend doesn't seem so laden with expectations especially not at our ages, it basically stands for "male person I'm intimate with" at this point but how that looks is undefined. I do find it amusing within myself that somet...

There is always so much talk about taking care of new people in the community and a lot of emphasis seems to be given to holding the hands of those who are youngish early 20s range. I honestly don't get it. I tend to look at people with a baffled look on my face when they talk about how extra terrible it is when a 24 year old has someone be cruel to them in the scene or dupe them or make a mistake or whatever. Why? Do you suddenly develop super powers of knowledge and safety at 30 or something? At 24 I had two children under 4 with special needs and had been married for several years. I was organizing multiple at home therapies, getting specialized training, dealing with depression and you know, living life. I had friends who were working on advanced degrees, friends who were getting married, friends who were working jobs with no hope for advancement, friends dealing with all manner of up and downs all within a year or two of my age. No one was holding our hands in the various li...

There is a lot of talk about sexualizing children (mostly girls so that's what I will be addressing) and how it leads to girls having sex too soon. There doesn't seem to be a consensus on what is too soon and exactly what constitutes a child being sexualized. Some people think a middle school aged girl being allowed to wear a skirt that hits just above the knee is shameful while others find an elementary aged girl in heels and lipstick no big deep as long as it looks "tasteful".  What I'm trying to say is that the actual lines on things is arbitrary and influenced by personal ideas, age, culture, ethnic background, even the fashion norms of the area people live in with in the same country.  All this stuff started swirling around in my head as I was watching girls from about 5 to 16 model in a fashion show this weekend. they all wore a full face of make up and if I recall correctly they all had on at least short heels.  they had the poses down and the very you...

Sadly the curls did not make it, may they rest in peace. :) They looked cute for a good 3 hours then they were gone. I got a few pictures to prove their existence though.  I did however have a great time at the fundraiser. It was interesting as I thought the models would mainly be adults as the clothing is mostly evening gowns, cocktail dresses and wedding gowns but to my surprise I was the only adult over 25. The vast majority of the girls were teenagers and  there were even a few little kids. It was interesting.  I love playing dress up, always have and this is a way i get to keep doing it. Of course I think everything should be fun.  

The things we do for beauty.... This took over an hour, jeez I have a lot of hair! I sincerely hope it does not rain tomorrow so that I actually get to enjoy the curls. At least through 8 pm. They wanted curly hair for the show... obviously they aren't very familiar with locs. Maybe next time I should get someone to volunteer to curl it for me....  

“I don't believe in beating children. It is my opinion that firm guidance, positive reinforcement and discipline, which involve teaching critical thinking and actively teaching empathy as well as obedience, go a long way. High yet reasonable expectations are something kids overall will strive to live up to. They want to do and make their parents proud. Sometimes they will fall short and that's ok because that too is a learning experience that can provide an opportunity for growth. Beating doesn't do achieve that, it simply instills fear, anger, resentment and encourages sneakiness and/or timid behavior and in some cases outright defiance. I think people often overlook that in the scriptures when the rod is compared to a shepherds' rod that a shepherd doesn't use the rod to beat his sheep but to gently guide them. There is also the oft misunderstood issue that Proverbs is in reality just what the name says, proverbs or wise sayings of the times. That should be k...

"I's married now!"  or as Das said, like his dog I'm now registered with the state.  ;) Yesterday was beautiful, the weather here is rather fickle. Last Friday it was iced over, yesterday it was in the mid 70s all day. I was outside in a sleeveless dress comfortably until after 5pm on the last day of January. I'm sure winter will return but I'm glad it decided to take a hiatus for a day. Everyone arrived on time, in fact we were the last to get there with 3 minutes to spare. Since justice of the peace weddings are by appointment here we figured tardiness would be frowned upon.  Our judge was a sweet tiny older lady who seemed to really enjoy performing marriages. I was rather surprised that she wanted to pray and read a passage from the bible though seeing as how it was a civil ceremony but I guess it's a TX thing. We all had a laugh when she asked about my first name and I said that Das had found it for me and she came back with "so he named you....