A Pet Peeve
There is always so much talk about taking care of new people in the community and a lot of emphasis seems to be given to holding the hands of those who are youngish early 20s range. I honestly don't get it. I tend to look at people with a baffled look on my face when they talk about how extra terrible it is when a 24 year old has someone be cruel to them in the scene or dupe them or make a mistake or whatever. Why? Do you suddenly develop super powers of knowledge and safety at 30 or something?
At 24 I had two children under 4 with special needs and had been married for several years. I was organizing multiple at home therapies, getting specialized training, dealing with depression and you know, living life. I had friends who were working on advanced degrees, friends who were getting married, friends who were working jobs with no hope for advancement, friends dealing with all manner of up and downs all within a year or two of my age. No one was holding our hands in the various life ventures we got ourselves into because of our ages or lack of experience, we were considered grown enough to deal with it since we were grown enough to do it whatever it was. Why is the mindset so different in the kink scene?
For a scene that talks a lot about being all about personal empowerment I don't get how infantilizing young adults is in any way empowering. Of course they will make mistakes and maybe they will have bad experiences. So will older people, so will experienced people. Those aren't the sole purview of the shiny new people that's just people. Stop holding their hands and "there there-ing" them and start holding them to a standard of you are an adult and I expect you to act like one. You managed to get here so educate yourself and don't expect anyone to save you from any folly of your own making. Don't think everyone is your friend or savior. This isn't a fairy land it's life, then let go. Don't be the overbearing parent who in their desire to protect their children from harm insulates them so thoroughly from the world that they are left without much needed coping skills. Everyone doesn't get a trophy for showing up, we aren't all winners. Sometimes life knocks you on your ass and everyone needs to know that. I am not saying don't lend a helping hand to someone in need, I am saying don't confuse coddling for helping.
At 24 I had two children under 4 with special needs and had been married for several years. I was organizing multiple at home therapies, getting specialized training, dealing with depression and you know, living life. I had friends who were working on advanced degrees, friends who were getting married, friends who were working jobs with no hope for advancement, friends dealing with all manner of up and downs all within a year or two of my age. No one was holding our hands in the various life ventures we got ourselves into because of our ages or lack of experience, we were considered grown enough to deal with it since we were grown enough to do it whatever it was. Why is the mindset so different in the kink scene?
For a scene that talks a lot about being all about personal empowerment I don't get how infantilizing young adults is in any way empowering. Of course they will make mistakes and maybe they will have bad experiences. So will older people, so will experienced people. Those aren't the sole purview of the shiny new people that's just people. Stop holding their hands and "there there-ing" them and start holding them to a standard of you are an adult and I expect you to act like one. You managed to get here so educate yourself and don't expect anyone to save you from any folly of your own making. Don't think everyone is your friend or savior. This isn't a fairy land it's life, then let go. Don't be the overbearing parent who in their desire to protect their children from harm insulates them so thoroughly from the world that they are left without much needed coping skills. Everyone doesn't get a trophy for showing up, we aren't all winners. Sometimes life knocks you on your ass and everyone needs to know that. I am not saying don't lend a helping hand to someone in need, I am saying don't confuse coddling for helping.
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