Adventures in Emmieland

It's funny how I have whole conversations with people in my dreams that I would more than likely avoid when I'm awake. Even funnier that I often remember them. Last night well this morning since we didn't get to sleep until well after midnight... I was dreaming about talking to my dad about my menstrual issues. He asked me why I hadn't said anything before and I told him that I saw no reason to bother since he'd made it clear that he didn't think menstrual pain was something worth complaining about. He started on his usual I don't recall having said any such thing, can't believe you are holding a grudge, it's awful the lies my children tell about me song and dance and I just looked at him and when he was done said and this is why I didn't bother, then walked away.  For a few minutes I wasn't even sure it was a dream it felt like a memory except I know it hasn't actually happened. I try hard to be a peacemaker in my family so it's an u...

Today has been nice, very quiet as our weekends are apt to be with sporadic chats about soccer and life ribboning long stretches of happy silence. We even took a bit of a drive and had coffee after I'd had a much needed catch up girl talk with a friend this morning. After we got home I was feeling pretty cute so I took pictures and tried to get just the right light which is difficult inside since our house is rather dark. My hair has darkened as I expected but the gray has settled into a pretty reddish gold in the sun that I am liking. I missed a couple but I will get them on the next go around. I still have 1 pack of henna left and I think I'm going to do it again before going to see the fam in April. Since I know whenever my family gets together there will be lots of pictures and I want to make sure I look good. I refuse to buy a new wardrobe for a short visit back so I'm trying out outfits to see what will cause me the least grief. I think today's might actually ...

n the course of an average chat between Das and I a snippet of a conversation I'd had with a friend earlier came up. The essence of it was how frustrating it is when you yourself know something but everyone around you discounts you when you talk about it. Maybe they say it's because you are currently going through a bad time and therefore seeing negatives that aren't there or because you are calling into question the character of people that they like with behavior that they never personally witness. Whatever it is it does tend to leave you (me) with a bad feeling. Something that came to mind in talking about that is due to that type of interaction happening several times early in our relationship I find that there are things I just don't say. I may put a toe in the water about something and if his response doesn't seem to be open I just let it go because "obviously" I'll be deemed the crazy one seeing what isn't there again. It's not somethi...

There are articles, books, columns, advice of every type out there telling women in particular to not trust anyone (read:MEN) with their money. So many of these things say to not join finances until you are married but even then to keep some "emergency funds" apart as a precaution and of course any good man would want you to do so. Anyone you aren't married to or at least have extensive legal paperwork binding you to them in some way is a no go for sharing finances at all. It drives me me nuts when I come across these articles or get involved in these conversations. People are quick to trot out that their concern for abused women who are unable to change their situation due to being financially dependant and yet there is no discussion of the many abused women who are well educated, employed, and have access to money and still haven't left for a variety of reasons. Money isn't the only or even the main thing keeping people where they are. I'm not discounting ...

I read a bit of a discussion about emotional manipulation using the threat of self harm and/or suicide. People were talking about the various ways they would or have handled it when/if it came up in a relationship particularly an M/s one. The opinions ranged from drop the offender like a hot potato to seek help for them. If you've never dealt with it it can be difficult to say how you would react honestly. I haven't been on the receiving (or giving) end of it in a M/s relationship but I have been involved with someone who made a habit of saying how they should kill themselves to make everyone else happy and how they were so miserable and I have to say as much as I loved them it was hell. Nothing was comforting to them because as far as I can tell upon looking back on it what they wanted wasn't to make things better but to make things different in a way that wasn't possible. Their constant cries of being on the brink of suicide and despair were some of the most effecti...

Ugg, whoever invented sinus infections should be run through with a rusty sword, not that I'm prone to violence or anything. I have seriously got to get out of this town I think I have become allergic to nature. Everytime I leave the house I end up in a pitiful state. Life in a hermetically sealed bubble is starting to sound better and better... Yesterday I had a good laugh. I know someone who complains a lot about people over generalizing transgendered people. It's a valid complaint. They want to be seen as themselves not the spokesperson for all transgendered people or have people think they know them simple b/c they have known one or two transgendered people before so therefore they must know all about them... That shit is legit annoying. The ironic thing I came across was they had posted something saying that that was how hispanic people do it with the explanation that that they have a few hispanic friends whose families did it that way therefore... I think it's way...

I had the ultrasound and filled out the survey about my visit. Overall I gave the facility high marks but I did leave a detailed comment about what I felt was a sad lack of bedside manner in the tech. What I was not expecting was the personal apology I received today from the facility manager. It is nice to know that someone actually reads those surveys. Hopefully the next woman to have a transvaginal ultrasound with that tech will have a more pleasant experience than I had due to my speaking up. I am still waiting to hear back from the dr about what if anything was found during that exam. Mind you she probably only got the results yesterday so the earliest I can reasonably expect to hear anything is tomorrow so I wait. At least step one has been completed. We had a good lazy weekend. I think lots of napping and ice cream eating on my part. Nothing exciting but very soothing. Today I have been getting a sore throat so more resting and upped the hot tea and honey intake with hopes t...

Friday morning I had a pelvic ultrasound, 2 in fact, go me being an overachiever. I had the not so gentle kind with the full to bursting bladder with the wicked stepmother of a tech smooshing the evil wand as hard as possible on said bladder and other abdominal/pelvic parts in search of internal lady bits and then I had the dubious pleasure of voiding (finally!) and having the transvaginal ultrasound. Having a plastic wand inside me poking around indelicately guided by an oddly near silent stranger is not my idea of a good time. She wouldn't even let me see my uterus on the screen which to me would have at least have made such indignity somewhat worth it in the moment.  How on earth did I find myself in such a position? Well during my dr appt on Monday my new gp asked if I had anything else after we talked about my asthma and I mentioned my painful periods. She jumped on it and arranged for me to have aforementioned ultrasounds to see if I have any cysts and mentioned endometrio...

People in the deaf communities around the world sign in languages other than American Sign Language. It occurred to me while laying in bed that when it was part of my job to arrange for sign language interpreters for patients that it was never specified what language they needed, in fact it wasn't asked as far as I could tell. So it simply a fact that is generally unknown to those who aren't hard of hearing or is it an extension of the "live here speak our language" attitude so prevalent in the US? Which I personally find both amusing and frustrating since the US unlike many countries doesn't actually have an official language. So I sometimes want to needle folks who express that attitude with questions about which forefathers language they want everyone to speak, that of the French settlers or the Spanish settlers since they were both here before the English settlers.  Anyway back to sign language; I wish I'd both learned more and retained more from when the ...

Home speech recently came up in a conversation between some friends and I although we didn't use the phrase, mostly since I couldn't remember it at the time. I commented on the fact that Das says he can tell when I am talking to my family b/c I sound black, I also recounted a time when I called my dad using my office voice and he said I sounded like a white girl. One friend knew exactly what I meant but the other didn't.  This intrigued me. I've never actually talked to anyone who didn't speak decidedly differently at home. In fact I assumed everyone relaxed their speech in some manner when not out in the world at large. I've also never encountered anyone who didn't immediately know what I meant by sounding black, it's been such an understood part of my experience growing up in the south and working with the public especially doing a lot of phone work. One thing I've been repeatedly told is that I have a nice voice and that I sound different on the...

I did it and my hair is not green! I consider that a raving success. Since I was a raving insomniac last night I decided to be a productive one so I applied the henna at 4am then cleaned did the dishes and prepped Das' morning coffee. I put a bit of warm water in my mixture that was up until then all lemon juice and lemon lime mixture with 2 tablespoons of ginger to cut the henna scent.  It looked like green mud but I did not let that deter me I started in the front since I wasn't sure there was enough for all my hair (there wasn't) and I particularly wanted to get the grey in the front. I wish I'd had the presence of mind to get a picture of myself all green headed but alas I didn't. After sitting for 4 hrs with a plastic wrapped head I spent about 45 minutes rinsing and conditioning my hair then showering and discovered that my hair is really soft and my grey is mostly copper colored now. I thought the rest was pretty dark, like a coffee with the barest hint of cr...

It's no secret that I enjoy being soft and slathering myself in oils. One thing I particularly like is that my feet are soft and I make an effort to maintain that. Somewhat oddly I don't like pedicures, I'm ticklish plus having my nails filed is the worst feeling ever, sensory issues.  On the rare occasions that I've braved the chair in the name of female bonding inevitably  the person working on me has commented on my soft feet and has never needed to do the heel shaving or use the pumice stone. I've come to realize that this is somewhat unusual. There have been a couple of discussions over the years that took odd turns where I recently realized I was being seen as indulged and pampered solely on the state of my feet. Sometimes even judged as trying to be above myself. I find this rather fascinating because I didn't know it was a thing.  I'm only guessing but it might be that since I don't below to a social class that has a large amount of discretiona...

I bought henna today, it's all mixed up and sitting getting all goopy and mature ready to be glooped on my hair in the morning. It will be interesting to see how it turns out since the store didn't have the brand I was looking for and since I knew to stay away from anything that wasn't body art quality I got one that specifically said it was for tattooing. The package says dark brown though and pure henna is red so... we'll see. There didn't look to be any chemicals in it at any rate so at worst there were just some added plants that darken the hue a bit although not indigo, I looked. :)  I'm always down for an adventure and it's been a while since I did anything crazy to my hair. So here is me today in the late afternoon sun. There will be more tomorrow and after my hair dries. Assuming of course I still have hair.  ;)

In the course of an average chat between Das and I a snippet of a conversation I'd had with a friend earlier came up. The essence of it was how frustrating it is when you yourself know something but everyone around you discounts you when you talk about it. Maybe they say it's because you are currently going through a bad time and therefore seeing negatives that aren't there or because you are calling into question the character of people that they like with behavior that they never personally witness. Whatever it is it does tend to leave you (me) with a bad feeling. Something that came to mind in talking about that is due to that type of interaction happening several times early in our relationship I find that there are things I just don't say. I may put a toe in the water about something and if his response doesn't seem to be open I just let it go because "obviously" I'll be deemed the crazy one seeing what isn't there again. It's not someth...

Das made me cry this morning. He didn't do it on purpose and I didn't mean to cry.  We were fussing around with my camera and I couldn't find a button to undo the effect that I had unwittingly done, he told me what button to press but I didn't know where it was and when I asked he retorted rather sharply.  I have no idea why but I just started bawling, I never do that. Now my feelings often get a bit smooshed if not outright hurt but generally I deal with it with no more than a twitch or a whimper and go about my day. Even on the occasions I do cry it tends to be private and something I try to hide from him and rather stilted. Nothing like that this morning, this morning it was full on ugly face, tears streaming down my cheeks wailing. He came over, comforted me and let me cry it out in his arms. He didn't mean to be so sharp with me and certainly didn't mean to hurt me and make me cry and he said so. It's one of the things that has shifted with us in the ...

I was raised with the idea that lying in any form was akin to murder in it's badness. In fact my dad had a little saying "if you'd lie you'd steal and if you'd steal you'd kill" so lying about eating the last oatmeal cookie was obviously an indication that you were on the fast track to a murder rap. Any thought that we kids were lying was dealt with swiftly and harshly. To add to the disfunction we were often accused and deemed guilty of lying when we were in fact telling the truth In that environment I became obsessively  honest. It was extremely important to me that I knew I wasn't lying even if no one else did. I held on to that compulsive honesty for years. Then somewhere along the way a switch flipped and I began to fortify the walls around me with lies. No one was getting close to me if I could help it and I could by deliberately misleading people about who I really was. If they didn't know me then they couldn't hurt me. Eventually I h...

Vanity is usually framed as a negative thing but does it has to be? I hold myself up for scrutiny, I'm vain. I often make jokes about my propensity to pose at the merest hint of a camera being held up in my general direction. It might be a slight exaggeration but it's basically true I love having my picture taken, I also love looking at myself in the mirror, being sketched, painted, listening to my own voice on a recording and seeing myself on tape. I have always been this way. As a young child I was entranced with my body, the feeling of being in it and the feeling that I wasn't always in it. When I was a bit older I didn't think I was pretty but still looking in the mirror never lost it's appeal and not as one might imagine to pick apart my flaws. I was still entranced with my body with it's shape the way it was changing the way it looked when I moved the play of light on it. At university I sat for art students as a body model, it was awesome. I loved tha...

Been thinking today about the idea of being broken. I am bipolar, I have a fair deal of anxiety, my sense of direction is nonexistent and my attention span is laughably short. For a while I thought these things made me defective b/c I didn't meet the norm but it has recently started to gel for me that I'm good. All my traits aren't well adapted to high functioning in this society but that doesn't mean there is an inherent flaw in me. I think there is a significant difference in the approach of telling someone they need help maximizing their experience in this society and telling them that they are flawed. It may seem like a subtle shift but it is an important one. I know that for me my life got tons better when I changed my environment. My choice was to withdraw from certain things that I found overwhelming. A lot of people disagree with this coping mechanism and in fact consider it non coping. I disagree, I'm happier, calmer and able to do a greater variety of th...

The idea that I am extremely emotional and emotionally expressive is for some reason difficult for me to come to terms with. I've been attributing my bouts of tearing up to my period, not getting enough sleep, being manic, being depressed, not feeling well... anything but well me be me. This afternoon I took a self test on being a highly sensitive person, it had 27 questions, I maked yes to 26. Clue gotten. I remember all too well being this way as a child and they aren't good memories, maybe that's why I fight so hard against allowing myself to just be now although fighting against myself is causing me way too much angst unnecessarily. As usual Das is completely unperturbed and unsurprised by my amazing revelations, lol. I'm all wide eyed and he's looking at me with a barely contained smile somehow managing not to shake his head at the fact that sometimes my introspection moves at the speed of cold molasses. I'd say he's a saint but the whole sadist thing...

I struggle with victim blaming. There are some situations that are clearly delineated as to who bears responsibility for what in my head and then there are those situations that I look at and well I think to myself what kind of an idiot are you? I do make a distinction between it was ok for Person A to do such and such behavior and Person X was in my estimation stupid but sometimes those lines man they intertwine quite a bit. There was an article on xojane I Was Abused By My Dom  and there were parts of it that had me rolling my eyes at the author until I thought they were going to get stuck that way. I completely thought dude was an asshole, I also thought she was not altogether too bright if her actions were any indicator. I have heard people talk about sub frenzy and when I look at them obviously confused I generally get a  "you remember how it was when you first started out" I usually don't say anything more but I do remember and frankly can't relate.  I don...

There are times that I think this vulnerable thing is for the birds. I remember being a child who cried easily and it was no fun when exactly did I turn into an adult who does the same thing? Poor soggy Das, I swear I've cried on him more lately than should be allowed. I think I should take out stock in kleenex. A friend of mine said that we cry when we feel safe which is true. I also wonder if my hormones aren't doing jumping jacks and playing hop scotch. Because really is everything that tear worthy? happy music, sad music, pretty poems, romance novels, my emotions are just all all over the place. Yesterday I was crying because Das came home and didn't tell me he was here for 20 minutes because he was working on the car, sigh. I don't know why I feel the need to fight it so hard but I just can't accept that I am feeling everything in stereo and that's going to come out some kind of way.  He doesn't seem the least bit bothered by it so why am I all twiste...