This Morning

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Das made me cry this morning. He didn't do it on purpose and I didn't mean to cry.  We were fussing around with my camera and I couldn't find a button to undo the effect that I had unwittingly done, he told me what button to press but I didn't know where it was and when I asked he retorted rather sharply.  I have no idea why but I just started bawling, I never do that. Now my feelings often get a bit smooshed if not outright hurt but generally I deal with it with no more than a twitch or a whimper and go about my day. Even on the occasions I do cry it tends to be private and something I try to hide from him and rather stilted. Nothing like that this morning, this morning it was full on ugly face, tears streaming down my cheeks wailing.

He came over, comforted me and let me cry it out in his arms. He didn't mean to be so sharp with me and certainly didn't mean to hurt me and make me cry and he said so. It's one of the things that has shifted with us in the last few months. It might be a side effect of being alone in the house and it might be that we are together constantly or a combination but I find myself not hiding nearly as much in ways that I traditionally have. I don't hold back my feelings even when I don't understand them and I bring things to him that I don't think I would have before. I don't feel like such a burden on him. It has gotten through to me that really he wants to be responsible for me in every way. If somethings broken he'll fix it, if I'm confused he'll explain until it's plain, if I hurt he'll do what he can to make it go away and hold me when he can't. He's not infallible but he is dependable. It's freeing to be able to settle into that knowledge and let go knowing even when it's him who hurt me it's him who will heal me.

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