Serious Navel Gazing
The idea that I am extremely emotional and emotionally expressive is for some reason difficult for me to come to terms with. I've been attributing my bouts of tearing up to my period, not getting enough sleep, being manic, being depressed, not feeling well... anything but well me be me. This afternoon I took a self test on being a highly sensitive person, it had 27 questions, I maked yes to 26. Clue gotten. I remember all too well being this way as a child and they aren't good memories, maybe that's why I fight so hard against allowing myself to just be now although fighting against myself is causing me way too much angst unnecessarily.
As usual Das is completely unperturbed and unsurprised by my amazing revelations, lol. I'm all wide eyed and he's looking at me with a barely contained smile somehow managing not to shake his head at the fact that sometimes my introspection moves at the speed of cold molasses. I'd say he's a saint but the whole sadist thing completely ruins any bid for sainthood. He is a pillar of acceptance and strength when I waiver he's there assuring me that it's all good and there is nothing wrong with me just as I am. He also shows me that he wants me in all my nutty glory. It is such a relief to belong to someone who wants a slave just like me b/c he has me not b/c he had a list of pre-qualifications that I happened to match. It gives me the confidence that as I change his desires will also. Of course I have noticed there is a certain amount of directing that goes in in terms of how I change so there is that.
I had a good idea that being vulnerable to him would change something in me but really I had no idea that the emotions I'd eskewed for decades would come back so forcefully. I haven't been out of control or acting badly, no temper tantrums or anything like that just overwhelmed at times by the sheer amount of feeling. I feel like I'm walking around with no skin, beauty is beautiful to the 100th power which is cool. Not so cool are the things that upset me because they really upset me. I can't brush anything off, it all goes to heart. I'm sure there is a way to moderate but I don't think I want to. Sure there are down sides but feeling so much, so fully is really cool. Of course I might think so now because I'm sitting on the couch warm and happy.
As usual Das is completely unperturbed and unsurprised by my amazing revelations, lol. I'm all wide eyed and he's looking at me with a barely contained smile somehow managing not to shake his head at the fact that sometimes my introspection moves at the speed of cold molasses. I'd say he's a saint but the whole sadist thing completely ruins any bid for sainthood. He is a pillar of acceptance and strength when I waiver he's there assuring me that it's all good and there is nothing wrong with me just as I am. He also shows me that he wants me in all my nutty glory. It is such a relief to belong to someone who wants a slave just like me b/c he has me not b/c he had a list of pre-qualifications that I happened to match. It gives me the confidence that as I change his desires will also. Of course I have noticed there is a certain amount of directing that goes in in terms of how I change so there is that.
I had a good idea that being vulnerable to him would change something in me but really I had no idea that the emotions I'd eskewed for decades would come back so forcefully. I haven't been out of control or acting badly, no temper tantrums or anything like that just overwhelmed at times by the sheer amount of feeling. I feel like I'm walking around with no skin, beauty is beautiful to the 100th power which is cool. Not so cool are the things that upset me because they really upset me. I can't brush anything off, it all goes to heart. I'm sure there is a way to moderate but I don't think I want to. Sure there are down sides but feeling so much, so fully is really cool. Of course I might think so now because I'm sitting on the couch warm and happy.
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