Opening Up

In the course of an average chat between Das and I a snippet of a conversation I'd had with a friend earlier came up. The essence of it was how frustrating it is when you yourself know something but everyone around you discounts you when you talk about it. Maybe they say it's because you are currently going through a bad time and therefore seeing negatives that aren't there or because you are calling into question the character of people that they like with behavior that they never personally witness. Whatever it is it does tend to leave you (me) with a bad feeling.

Something that came to mind in talking about that is due to that type of interaction happening several times early in our relationship I find that there are things I just don't say. I may put a toe in the water about something and if his response doesn't seem to be open I just let it go because "obviously" I'll be deemed the crazy one seeing what isn't there again. It's not something that I set out to do or thought through though, more like a conditioned response. "You don't think my thoughts on X are valid then fine I won't share any of my thoughts with you"  I have an amazing ability to shut down emotionally with people whether they realize I have or not and being with him has been challenging me to not do that. It seems every day another area pops up where I thought I was being transparent and I was to the extent that I was able at the time. I don't trust other people much. In situations like the ones above I've been put there intentionally and made to feel as if I were crazy and it was done purposefully and often. Withdrawing into myself when I perceive the situation to be the same makes sense except when it doesn't.

Lately I have been speaking my mind more often. Making an effort to not fall back on self editing when I get hint of disagreement or what I take as dismissal. It's not easy. People are quick to say "get over it" but before you can get over it you have to pinpoint what "it" is.  His responses have not dramatically changed, in fact sometimes they haven't changed at all. So I'm learning to balance being able to say my feeling are hurt when I feel dismissed and maintaining openness in not just what I think but how I feel about him and the world at large.  Sometimes I think I'm spinning my wheels but I'm not, I'm making progress in the way that progress is always made. Not linearly but in fits and starts, sometimes weaving sideways sometimes going backwards just to make a great leap a bit later.