Adventures in Emmieland

It is hard for me to believe that Das and I have been together for 10 yrs as of today. In the beginning I thought it meant something special, what I wasn't sure, that he and I were together at the start of a new year. Seems like I was right. :)  No going out to party tonight, we're staying in, drinking soda and snacking on a chocolate yule log. If my luck holds out maybe we will ring in the new year intertwined but even if we aren't having sex we will be together like we have been since 2006. I look at how things are now and despite some uncertainty about all kinds of stuff we have limited/no control of one thing I don't question is us. I'm content and happy which sometimes surprises me. So much of my life I've been not exactly unhappy but somewhat removed from my own life. Being present is pretty nice.  The funniest thing I think this year has brought is me getting the latest Drake and TI cds. I'm not even sure when I started enjoying more than the W...

Christmas was good. We had a nice trip to the inlaws and we we got there the chocolate consumption was high. :) I'm rather amazed that I didn't gain more weight frankly because I always eat more there, I swear they put something in the food. We all exchanged presents and everyone seemed happy with what they got. I know I was. I got sparkly things and lotions, stuff I love. His mom is pretty perceptive because even though I always get girly things she never gives me nail polish which is good seeing as how I don't wear it. I am going to have a stellar collection of gloves though since I still have the ones from last year. Of course at this time of year there is no such thing as too many gloves. It snowed a few days, stayed sunny for Christmas and started sleeting the next morning. I'm glad we only made a day trip, driving home in that mess would have been horrible. Hopefully things will settle down soon as Das was caught in the layoff at the beginning of the month a...

I have figured out that if I turn or bend or something I look like I have a waistline, lol. I love how pictures actually can lie. That was a couple of days ago. I've been back to playing with the good camera. I'm just going to work with the fact that I ebb and flow on stuff and not worry about the fact that I don't always do whatever at an appointed time. No use wasting time on senseless feelings of what I should be when I can be enjoying what I actually am. Das has a studio downstairs and I have my office, it's great because he can't hear me jamming up here and I can't hear him. I love the finished product but having sat through many practices it gets boring. Today we made an emergency run to get gift bags, both of us suck at wrapping so I am eternally grateful to the inventors of the gift bag. Mine has princesses :) I wonder if that will cause a raised eyebrow tomorrow at the in laws.  I'm armed with new black leggings, thermal socks for walking ar...

Yesterday I skyped with a friend in GA, today I skyped with a dinner party of friends in TX. I think I like skype, lol Earlier Das and I were discussing my music vs his music and what makes mine so annoying  (to him) we got onto the thought that black music has a very extreme emotional range, it tends to make you want to jump all around or be very very sad. He hates that. I explained that at least for me music like this gives me a place to express all the emotions I've gotten so good at keeping contained b/c I can't be the angry black woman, or the hysterical girl, or a drama queen... In music I can get as dramatic as I want to without censure. Sure most of what I listen to is classified as pop but it's pop that speaks to me on some level. I'm aware that other groups do this such as the expressing of teen angst through heavy metal or punk. I think that letting music be for you what you cannot be for yourself is a part of the human condition to some degree or other...

Yesterday was sunny and I decided to have some fun. After chasing the dogs around the back yard and discovering unknown animal tracks by the house I figured a picture was needed. Since I was feeling brave I posed with no coat (laid it by the tripod) and it came out well. What has me laughing today is the dress I had on. It was advertised as a dress and in my size no less but when I tried to take it off I got stuck in it. It would seem that chubby girls are not supossed to have chubby arms, makes no sense to me but I've encountered it in my clothing more than a few times. This time though I fault myself, while the material is nice and thick, perfect with tights and a sweater, it does not have any known stretchy qualities. Although I do the majority of my clothes shopping online I do check the materials because I've found over the years that clothes with no stretch rarely work on me. Sometimes it's easy to fall for the allure of something cute though. 

Weirdly yesterday was my sleep all day drag ass day. It's weird because yesterday it wasn't snowing and it was bright and sunny, I usually conk out on overcast days but I guess you can only get so much low quality sleep before your body steps in and lays you out. Feeling way better today, even went outside and played with the dogs in the snow. It was rolling around my mind how a couple can have basically the same idea of how their relationship should look but for differing reasons. Just one of the random things that runs through my mind. Another random thing was my thought of entering a convent as a lay sister in the event of Das' premature demise. I thought he'd look at me like I'd lost my mind but he actually thought it made sense for me. Who would have thought it? Talked to my ex and helped him think through a few things. I hate the position he's in but I am feeling heartened that he seems to have learned a lot from the recent unpleasant experiences. ...

Sometimes isolation is a good thing, sometimes not but lately I've been feeling both a touch more social and annoyed with my social options. As much as I want to hang out for brunch or fun chit chat I want to do it with people who get us. It's annoying to have to be so aware of everything I say and do. We had a short lesson then a Christmas party at RCIA class last week and it was both fun and frustrating. I mean seriously is it that odd for a wife to make her husband's plate? No one looked offended it was just the look of utter shock that passed over the faces of those who realized Das was sitting down and I was getting his meal and making sure he had drinks. It's not that I made a big deal of it it's just that because I was the only wife doing anything remotely like it I stood out. I want to be in the company of people where that doesn't stand out, where it's the norm at least sometimes. This is the biggest difficulty I've had with moving. We have ...

I pulled the old camera out and decided pictures were in order. Since I'm my best model it's me! I had to be cute today because I had a dental appt and no need to look as dreadful as I feel about going. It's been a tired as all get out day, recuperating from all the running around I did yesterday. Yesterday I was sucked into the vortex that is Forever21. I swear they plat that place just so you get lost and buy more in hopes of finding the exit. I didn't do too badly 4 dresses, al summer but hey at least I'll be styling in the heat. I've determined that I look great in skater or fit and flare styles but unless a straight style has a good deal of stretch and is relatively short it does nothing for me. A couple things I picked up were so not me. It's easier to find what I want online but good to go in to see how fabrics actually look and feel so you aren't stuck making a return like I was. Or worse yet buying something on final sale that doesn't fi...

Yesterday there were blue plaid tights but I didn't get a picture, day before that blue/black paisley. I must say one of the best things about cold weather is the silly tights. They make me smile even when I feel like crap and it's all grey outside. Today I'm rocking cordaroys because it's not only cold it's snowing and I had to be out at 9am driving to pick up Das' baby from the shop. We won't even discuss how I got turned around leaving the mechanics and was on my way somewhere but not home when I finally noticed nothing looked right. Luckily I was on the right street just the wrong direction so it wasn't too stressful to simply turn around and go back. I made it home in one piece and I got to rock the pop music. That was our second attempt. We went yesterday but after a few mishaps that I thought were cleared up so i left, I got a call halfway home to go back (through horrible traffic) b/c the car died. Luckily he wasn't hurt and the car made it...

I woke up this morning thinking about pop singers. Odd I know but something I read yesterday about not operating in the masculine was on my mind. I am redoing my entire itunes since i did something or other and deleted all my music, since I'm starting fresh I'm adding stuff I didn't have before and one of those things is a cd by Rhianna. I've heard some of her singles and watched a few of her videos and I enjoy her voice. I'm also re-uploading my Nikki Minaj cd. I like her attitude although it doesn't actually mirror my own, maybe that's why I like it. And of course I have to get all my Pink back. Anyways I was thinking about these artist and showing power in a feminine and masculine manner. I love to hear Rhianna sing but I don't like her videos mostly and I am wondering if it's b/c although she shows her body quite a bit and it's a lovely feminine body, her  presentation of herself is often very masculine in my view. I can't even fully ar...

I'm dreading tonight. I have a dentist appt for fillings, the first of two then they have to do an extraction/root canal and somewhere in there the cleaning. I'm not even going into the braces... I'm not sure Das will go for the braces actually, might impede my bj skills but we will see. I went in yesterday for my initial consult and plan making, all I can say is that I'm really glad his job provides very good dental. The yearly deductible is $25 per person. I've been told that because companies don't have to worry about basic medical insurance they spring for better dental, vision, and perks. Can't say I'm not enjoying it. :) In happier news all the stuff I'd been buying has started arriving. The mailman told me today that we have moved up to the number one house on his route that gets stuff daily. I think I owe that poor man a tip or at least hot chocolate for dragging all my stuff up here while trying to not be accosted by my ill mannered mu...

I read something on Tumblr today that combined with an interaction with Das had me thinking. The post was basically about how the writer had gotten to a point within their D/s relationship that something as simple as dressing for the weather wasn't something they gave thought to b/c the dom would handle it. Serious paraphrasing here. When I went up to get dressed I asked my usual series of questions, do you have anything specific you want me to wear, do you prefer pants or a skirt/dress today, what look am I going for? About halfway up the steps I thought about that writing and asked Das if he thought I was pitiful for needing help getting dressed. He said no while looking at me like I'd lost my mind. There is a part of me that thinks hey I should just get dressed however I want and be done with it, that's what grown ups do. There is another part (the larger one actually) that realizes that within our dynamic him deciding either generally or specifically what I wear is ...

Yesterday I was just a run of the mill inquirer, today I'm a candidate! Sitting in the front pew is disconcerting so glad we only have to do it a couple of times before confirmation. I like the organization of this class everything trucks along at a good pace and the people are nice. From somewhere deep in my closet I found front pew appropriate clothes. After I got there I realized I was the only woman in a skirt. I guess old habits die hard because wearing pants to sunday service just feels wrong.  I think I looked quite grown up today with my loose curls and knee length skirt but you know I had to have a bit of fun so my top though modestly cut was royal blue. No blending today. :)

I finally got it together and bought a hood dryer. Well it's actually a bonnet dryer which is way more comfortable and portable. I tested it out this afternoon by misting my hair then curling it. I must say after two hours and a 15 minute cooling session I was quite happy with the result. Gone are the days of wearing my curlers for two or three days. I'm free!

I think I'm acquiring a shoe problem. Then again are cute shoes ever really a problem, especially when they are on sale? Same goes for skater dresses, mini skirts, and household stuff like shower curtains with matching rugs plus curtains. At least my overspending isn't completely frivolous. Next I want to tackle the dog's room. They need another crate and non stuffed crate beds along with a blanket or two since I'm getting rid of the mattress in there. They are tearing it apart and it's driving me insane. I will try to restrain myself for now but it's good to have goals. This morning i took my antimanic since I seemed to be just dipping a toe into hypomania. Sigh, it's so nice there until it isn't. The up side is I now have a very tidy house, and I've done some decorating and organizing our bedroom. The downside is the compulsion to spend money. This is why I keep a low balance credit card, can't spend what isn't there although I do make ...

Yesterday we went a little crazy at the mall. Sad thing is we were only in two stores. I'm currently wearing the purple high tops, yesterday was the pink. The slippers and 2 pairs of boots just round it out. Today I redeemed myself by buying a bunch of stuff for the kitchen and bathroom. I think it's way past time we started decorating somewhat. I want it to not look like we're moving anyday, especially since we plan to be here until they kick us out when we are old and grey. I think I'm nesting. Today I swept the whole house and took out trash and recycling. Of course after that I had no energy so there's that. I look at the multitude of maple leaves on the yard and think I should be raking them but then my good sense kicks in, lol. I love not having a home owners association. Tuesday I have a dental appt. finally!!! I will get rid of this evil toothache and submit to whatever other tortures they come up with. Getting sleepy which is silly as it is only 4:37p...

With night falling earlier these days I've been crazy sleepy. I looked at the sky this evening and swore it was around nine, it was 5:30, so much night to go. The upside of this is it feels like I have gobs of time with my honey. I just finished a long series that revolves around security personnel who are also doms. It was intriguing and amusing but man I might have sprained an eye muscle from all the eye rolling I was doing. It strikes me as odd that all the guys (around 10) wanted a submissive woman but only in the bedroom whereas as they were take charge alpha types in all walks of their lives. They all seemed to really like brats too. That's a thing I never got. There was a serious underrepresentation of the type of submissives  who were quiet and enjoyed having a domly type all the time. I can't say it wasn't a well written story because it was, it was just a bit heavy handed on the "sub has all the power" message. Although in their defence there w...

The weather has been perfect the last few days which is why it's calling for snow tomorrow. Can't have us getting use to sun and warmth in November after all. Today Das and I made a trek to the dreaded mall. It wasn't too bad inside but the parking was nuts. All I wanted was some lipgloss. It's nearly enough to make me pay the darn shipping and buy it online, nearly but not quite. My fugal self gasps at the thought. Now I'm covered in rotten (as usual) and trying to figure out just how I can sneak off to bed without causing too much grumbling on the dog front. As much as I love being on the go these kind of days wear me out which is why chocolate was invented. :)

I've been thinking about whether or not to drop some people from my FB who are either Trump supporters or people who are saying Trump supporters are nice and we should all just get along. I'm not advocating violence or taking a hard stance against people based on politics but I have to wonder about people who don't see a problem with supporting someone who's platform is so divisive. Sure other politicians have done crazy shit but that's not my point. My point is that when someone says how they plan to take away protections from traditionally disenfranchised groups then it's no longer about politics to me. At that point I'm looking at whether I'd ever feel truly comfortable with people who seem to think it's ok to get behind someone like that even if those are ostensibly not the reasons they support him.  I look at like this, politics I can disagree on and still be friends but setting out to attack people well that's not politics, that's peo...

It's been a good few days and since the days have been good that also means they are rather unremarkable. I play with rotten pups, do at least a mile of walking a day and pretend to shop by filling up and refining various wish lists, lol. I think as far as keeping a shopping habit under control it's not a bad method. I've lost a bit of weight so I'm trying to figure out what in my wardrobe is versatile enough for a 15lb weight difference. This is why I love stretchy fabrics. This morning I put together a playlist of songs I enjoy singing. Thankfully I live in the woods so no one is being tortured by my dulcet tones aside from the dogs. I reunited with an old friend on FB. We had a long break which honestly I'm still not sure why but whatever. I always enjoyed her passionate defence of her positions on a bunch of stuff and am glad to chat with her from time to time.

In an act of frustration I blocked my "admirer" and I must say a day without hearing someone trample all over the reality of "not hooking up with you" was pretty nice. I try to be kind to people but sometimes I think I let things go too far, blocking that number way earlier would probably have saved me a great deal of annoyance. Oh well a lesson learned and all that. I just saw Lip Sync Battles for the first time. Since I never watch tv I'd not heard of it until a friend mentioned it yesterday. I love that you can find nearly anything on you tube. I'm hooked now, the one that completely drew me in was Snoop Dog doing a Journey song. I don't know who most of the celebrities are but it's still funny as all get out, some of them go way above and beyond with the choreography. I tip my hat to their dedication in delivering an entertaining and entrancing performance. To be honest a few were entrancing in the same way you can't look away from a train ...

Talk about odd problems, i've run into an issue convincing an older man I have no desire or intention of becoming his mistress. At first I didn't take him too seriously after all we'd never met in person, he's a friend of a friend. Now he's constantly calling filling up my voice mailbox and when I do talk to him he always finds a way to tell me that he wants me with him, in another country. Not cool. I've been reluctant to ask Das to step in but I think that will have to be the next thing. I can see so clearly that this is where in days long past I would have given in because I wanted to not upset anyone and I had no idea how to gracefully refuse and have it honored. So glad I can see growth and that I now have someone in my life who takes over that bullshit when I'm overwhelmed. In other news life is going good. It's getting nippy, not that I can complain since I do live in Canada and Das is letting me buy clothes, again. I've lost just enough w...

Made it through another halloween. This year was easy because not one visitor which I expected given that we live in the woods and all. As much as I enjoy seeing people in costumes giving out candy is exhausting. The best part of it being over though is the discounted candy prices that start today. I shall replenish my stash of sweets with impunity!  I'm finally feeling better and man it's been rough. I really don't like having a cold as they seem to hit me harder than everyone around me. I'm also pretty sure that I've been having hot flashes for the last week. Seems a bit early to me but *shrugs*, I can live with them.  In puppy rottenness, both dogs are doing well spreading their unique brand of rotten, Molloy escaped again and was found sitting in some ladies car smiling his doggy smile. Nellie has grown more, since I can still grab a fistfull of skin from her back and neck I suspect she's not quite done. My fears that she would end up being small were...

I know someone who has been through quite a bit in the last few years and this morning I saw a post she made showing her medications last year she needed with an uplifting post about how much better she's doing now and urging people to get help if they need it. I'm estatic for her, she deserves all the happiness she can find in life. Someoen made a comment that her picture looked like their medicine cabinet now and her reply kinda threw me, she replied to them that it didn't have to always look that way. But I wonder what about if it does? Is it only worthy of celebration if in the getting of help you no longer need as many or any meds to get you through the day? What about the fact that you are getting through the day period? What about all the people who reached out, got help and are doing well on their many meds? Have they somehow failed or stalled? I doubt seriously that was her meaning but I know if I can read it that way so can someone else who isn't secure in...

I've read/heard several people say they teach their kids to create businesses/jobs for themselves rather than get jobs working for someone else. I think it's a worthy goal, a lot of people probably never saw doing there own thing as an option and teaching it to a child is great. I do have a concern though because someonebody still has to work for the people creating the jobs. If we all want to have a business who is our workforce? I simply hope that in teaching the ability and freedom to create we don't end up demeaning those who by choice or cirmumstance have jobs working for someone else. I guess the balance would be in teaching our kids to respect indivuals and their choices so that we don't end up with a bunch of kids/young adults who look down upon or disdain the very people who make their own business' easier to run. Everyone has a purpose and a place and it behooves us to remain gracious and humble even as we seek to move forward.  

I don't know why this old gospel song my mom used to play is haunting my head. Not even all of it just a bit, I'm not sure if the name was No Cost or who the singer was but basically the story was a kid tallied up his chores and how much he should be paid for them then his mom takes the paper and starts singing about how she stayed up with him when he was sick, prayed for him, carried him, you get the picture, and there is no cost. Now some may find that sweet but even as a kid I found it creepy as hell. It's like look kid I brought you in this world and I've taken care of you and look at me not charging you a dime for it! To paraphrase Chris Rock, did she want a fucking cookie, you're supposed to take care of your kids low expectation having mfers. I felt sorry for the kid, he's just looking for a legit way to make a little pocket money and instead he gets this massive guilt trip. Of course at the end the kid no longer wants payment and is in tears at the a...

It's surreal I've been driving in Canada! That doesn't seem like a big deal to many people but considering my propensity for getting lost and the nerves I have just going down regular roads it's huge for me. I have so far made it to two different shopping centers close by and once by accident I ended up on the 401 and I did not lose my shit. I did however get off as soon as humanly possible. Yesterday it was really cool b/c I went to a small mall that I've always taken major roads to get to but my gps decided I needed to go the scenic route yesterday. I was amazingly pretty. All the trees with various shades of green cold red and some shades I don't have words for. I was sad I couldn't stop and take pictures. The pics from close to my house are close without capturing the complete majesticness of seeing it from the top of a hill. Today I was pushed out by the dire need for cold medicine and I'm glad I went since they were having a sale! I love sales,...

Flogging hurts. That's a tidbit I should have remembered before ordering a flogger. And I didn't stop there oh no my masochism obviously knows no bounds because I got a riding crop too. And so begins the slow process of updating our toy drawer.  Das was more than happy to reacquaint me with the intimacies of suede against my skin and a burning bottom. As much as I wiggled and whimpered I am in my happy place. Playing isn't essential in an M/s dynamic but as far as I'm concerned it's a darn nice perk.

I saw a humans of New York post about a woman who left her husband for beating her but considered herself done wrong when the government stepped in for her beating her children. Irony anyone?

Today was one of those busy because I can't sit still although I'm tired days. I got laundry done, made a fix on the bed slats (we broke the bed but it was worth it) and cleaned the kitchen, all before having breakfast. Then I took some time to do pictures. Some of them are kinda cute if I do say so myself.  Looks like P is going to be here a while. Today the doctor discovered that her other knee is fractured. The knee she was using to keep weight off her opposite fractured ankle. It sucks for her and I hope things get better. 

I love prompts they get me thinking in ways I might not have been before. So I'm a slave prompt it asked if you have an insecurities and if so do they impact your relationship. Yes and yes. I'm a mass of weird but I think it's safe to say my biggest insecurity is abandonment. Not even the out and out someone left but the no longer being high on someone list of importance and see them all giddy and accommodating over someone new. This is why I can't be poly. I've got none of that compression going on. I want my partner to be happy I simply want that happiness to be with me to the exclusion of others.  I realize that by choosing to be a slave I've put myself in the position for the possibility of that boundary being pushed. In fact since Das was partnered when we got together it was a given that at least some of the time she would come before me. I recall an incident where I was pouring about not getting the level of attention I wanted because they were having a m...

Today was a bit of a revelation for both Das and I. Our houseguest P has come back on Sat and it's been ok but last night she went to visit a friend and ended up calling us drunk without saying where she was. We looked at all the reasonably close stations but no luck and after eleven (we were at the first place at nine) we went home hoping she was ok. Around three she called and apologized and later in the day she talked to Das.  I asked the status because in my opinion that was enough for her to not be here but he saw it differently. In the course of talking about it one thing that came up is how I tend to be unmoved by people who apologize profusely because I grew up with someone who did that as a tool of manipulation. If I was still upset then I became the one in the wrong. An attitude reinforced by the church we attended.  It was also pointed out that contrary to his calm acceptance that she made a mistake when I did exactly what he told me to do but in an unantic...

I made loc jewelry 

When feelings get hurt and misunderstanding happen who decides that one party is being unreasonable? Here it's Das but I'm not sure I am always on board with his assessments. I often feel I don't get the benefit of the doubt when my behavior is in question/it's my feelings that are hurt. Now he doesn't hold grudges like I do but still sometimes I'd find an actual acknowledgement more satisfying, than an "oh i misunderstood"  I guess I see a world of difference in i misunderstood and i misunderstood and am sorry i hurt you. Maybe it's a subtle difference but the sorry you were hurt part is not automatically understood to me. In fact without it being said it comes across to me as "I misunderstood so why are you acting all but hurt?" I am a sensitive person so maybe my reactions are a bit more extreme than others but I still think they are valid. Sigh I guess it's the best I'm getting.

Coming across quotes about style vs fashion make me wonder who is the person or committees that decide something is classic and timeless therefore stylish.  My aesthetic is different from others but why am I deemed a wearer of fashion?  Even reading fashion blogs they tend to drill the idea that only specific things can be worn forever and only certain looks are stylish. It seems so arbitrary to me though.

I've been having way too much fun with youtube and IMovie. Today I learned how to put a soundtrack to a movie. Still need to figure out how to trim the music to lip sync but working on it. So far though I have a sorta lip sync without soundtrack and a daily outfit movie with a soundtrack. My son and I are talking about doing a lip sync battle so I have to bone up on my skills. This isn't a bad hobby to take up as it gets colder which it has starting today. I can be in my nice warm room laughing and combating the winter blues with music and dancing. Not a bad workout either since I usually do several takes of the entire song. Way more moving than my phone pedometer is giving me credit for that's for sure.

Today has been both busy and dull. During the down time I took a few pics, still trying to get a variety of poses for my outfit pics. The same face on selfies get boring. 

Now I will be the first to say I can't sing but being campy is so much fun!                                                                                   

Last night I came across a discussion of the gift of submission on tumblr and nearly skipped over it. I am glad I didn't though because for once it actually included talking about dominance being a gift if submission is a gift. Now I don't adhere to the philosophy of submission being a gift but I appreciate that if it is then it stands to reason that so is dominance. I've never understood the whole "the submissive is really in control and has all the power and it's a gift to be treasured. If submission is all that what the hell do we even need dominants for? In truth both parties have the power, calling a safeword or walking away isn't the sole purview of submissives. I think more needs to be talked about with dominants and acknowledging that they are equal and needed in order to fulfill the dynamic. Submission is great but lacking dominance it's not fulfilled. Same with dominance. We need to get away from one sided discussions on D/s and I think that wha...

It's been a rough few days, I've felt like crap. Periods have not gotten easier with age so I'm giving a serious side eye to my health teachers who insisted that would happen. At this point I'm looking forward to menopause. I think 30 yrs is more than enough time spent suffering but statistically I have a good 10 yrs to go. sigh. Aside from whining about my biology I've had a full day of naps and food. Das makes the yummiest fast food ever. We had peameal bacon with grilled tomatoes and eggs for brunch and baked fish with salad for dinner.  I must say I certainly eat well. I should probably drink some echinacea tea just to be on the safe side. We chatted a bit about taking risks today. How risk taking in relationships is essential and how every time we open up to each other we are taking the risk of rejection but it's necessary to do so in order to keep having a relationship that has substance.

What makes someone stay in a situation that doesn't serve them at all? Right now I'm dealing with someone who lives (sorta) with someone who is an addict whose functionality is rapidly declining. Being with this person has led to homelessness, arrests, physical lack of safty due to the company kept, and a decline in person's own function and heightened addiction.  Nothing about the situation is helpful. There is a child who is only seen under supervision, there are family tensions as well as a loss of friends. Now this person has not lacked for people trying to help, there have been rehab stays, as well as multiple offers of shelter and help with getting affairs in order over years. But none of these have been taken up in a way that sustained recovery has been achieved. In fact right now there has been multiple references to going back into the toxic environment. What makes people choose that kind of instability over the promise of something better for themselves?  I know i...

As much as I'd like to think that I handle uncomfortable situations with grace, I'd be wrong. Right not gracious doesn't come remotely close to what I'm feeling. Not speaking is probably the best thing I can do. He went out for bread, it only took 2.5 hrs with no calls no text no IM to let me know that he was ok. The first hour I wasn't overly concerned because the growcery store might be understaffed and our houseguest is on crutches making things slower. Bt the second hour I was frantic and worrying about every single thing that could have happened. I even checked his location on the phone finding app and saw he wasn't far from home, which previously worried me more. I was worried that there had been an accident and damn it we lapsed our road side assistance coverage. Even though he wasn't terribly far it was too far to walk especially through these woods after dark. There is wildlife out there. So I sat on the porch holding my breath every time I saw ...

So we went grocery shopping this evening with P (house guest) and as we meandered down the aisles she kept up a litany of how expensive the store is and how at another store she could have filled her basket to overflowing with the same amount of money. Now I will say that many things aren't cheap but there are a lot of good deals and frankly we tend to buy higher end food. If there is one place we are going to spend money it is on food. It got me thinking about what I expect when grocery shopping versus what she expects. I expect to buy lots of fish some steaks veggies juice milk cheese and snacks. Her expectations on a grocery run lean more toward tuna and salad makings and canned peas.  Aside from the fact that we have different palettes it became obvious during the course of the trip that I simply had a higher expectation of getting nutritional fresh foods without thinking too hard about the price. Talk about realizing your privelge, even when we are in tight situati...

Today we acquired a houseguest. I don't know how long she is staying or how this is going to play out. She is an old friend of Das who has had a rough go of it for the past 15 yrs or so. I already feel the stirrings of jealousy. He isn't interested in her nor her him but I am used to having him to myself. I cleaned the house and made dinner then came upstairs to rest and I can hear them chatting and him offering to get her water.  My inner bitch is all let her get her own damn water you should be coming to check on me!!  Mind you she has a broken leg so hobbling about getting water and trying to balance it while maneuvering her crutches is a serious pita but I never claimed to be a rational person. Ugg I'm going to have to get this under control or it will be a tough visit for me and everyone around me.

We sat around discussing the merits of romance novels this evening. Not that Das has ready any of the ones I've read but he listens to my descriptions and we talk about which stories are realist and set with shifters or vampires, it's hard to find well written vampire fiction, sigh. One thing we agreed on is the difficulty of writing a sex scene. I know I can't do it for shit. If I try to be euphemistic then I end up laughing at myself at how corny it sounds and if I try for blunt I still end up laughing at myself b/c it just doesn't flow. I do have a friend who wrote a book of erotic short stories and her sex scenes were amazing. It just tickles me in a good way that Das will talk to me about anything without acting like he's dumbing himself down or being tortured because I want to analyze novels instead of interpreting Hegel. I know I'm lucky but I like to make sure I don't take him for granted since not too many guys give a shit if the "all shift...

I find it interesting that in discussions about people living at home until they marry there always seems to be a negative connotation. Specifically that it's patriarchal and infantalizing  in nature and always about treating women as possessions. I don't think that is always the case. Realalisticly living with ones parents in early adulthood can be beneficial. Most parents don't charge their kids market rent which enables them to save more sooner. There is also the angle of having a multigenerational household which creates an easily accessible support network for everyone. That can be invaluable for parents of young children especially single ones. Also it provides an oppertunity to learn how a household functions from an adult perspective instead as oppose to beginning romantic relationships at the same time. I guess I just don't always think an adult living with their parents signals something wrong in either their personality or beliefs.

I have truly got to learn the fine art of moderation. Yesterday was spent mainly in bed as my body was retaliating from Sunday's excesses. Today I woke up feeling great so i promptly washed some laundry (by hand), cleaned the guest room, swept the puppies room, and cleaned the kitchen all before eating breakfast. Kinda dreading tomorrow, lol. There have been many crazy nonsensical dreams but sadly I never remember them fully just in fragments. I figure it's a good thing that I'm not waking up scared, just bewildered. Today I got a letter from the tribunal that thy have all my testimony and will be moving forward. I really hope the next steps don't take too long because I am all kinds of topsy turvy about the outcome. In the end everyone did come through and submit their testimonies. I have good people. Now I'm trying to figure out a church wedding that is not overblown. Hard when the churches are so darn big, and I am feverently trying not to even think about ...

In a discussion with someone this morning it came to my mind that I was over involved with the issues between my ex and his ex when they really weren't my issues.  I don't like conflict and I don't like displays of anger so I fell into trying to be the between person for them because generally she was more polite to me than him and when he did see her it usually ended up with him storming around the house. In my desire to avoid the storming I set myself up for all kinds of angst, worrying if in our meeting she if would be nice, if the kids would behave basically letting ever possible negative turn things could take eat me up.  Funny that we have been apart for a good while but I am only just realizing this. Obviously trying to avoid conflict and keep my home peaceful at the cost of my personal peace was not a great long term plan and thankfully one I haven't  felt pressed to employ again. Lesson of the day, don't take on other peoples shit. 

Is something implicit if the one reading it doesn't read it as such? Makes me wonder how much shared language moves on the assumption of understanding.  Das was reading me something or other that started out talking about nearness then somehow merged into things and objects without any rhyme or reason from my perspective. While he claims that there were questions all I heard were statements.  I have no idea how to explain that just because I don't hear it the same way  I'm hearing it wrong. It's frustrating. Maybe all the assumptions are there because he's read a lot of books by philosophers and understand the cadence of their words whereas I tend to read things that are written pretty straightforwardly which leaves me feeling like I'm reading a foreign language when reading philosophical works. 

In elementary school we learned a song about happiness that starts with "happiness is two kinds of ice cream, catching a firefly, setting him free" I loved that little song it made me happy. As I've gotten older happiness to me has stayed pretty simple which makes me wonder if that was exactly the goal in teaching us the song young, to keep in our minds that you don't need extravagant things to be happy. If so well played.

So last night I was dreaming about gender fluidity. I have no idea why but somehow in my dreams I was redefining it and starting a support group with people I seemed to know in dreamland that to my knowledge don't actually exist.  Sometimes my dreams trip me out like when I dream of being chased down and eaten by a werewolf only to awaken right as their claws grab me. Not a pleasant way to wake up. Mostly they aren't that grizzly just completely nonsensical. Oddly enough the most disturbing dreams are the ones that seem mostly normal with just some undefinable thing being off. I usually wake up from those with my heart pounding like I'd been running a race but without anything I can put my finger on to be scared of.  I wish I was better or any good at dream interpretation. It would be interesting to say the least.

Sadly there is no more local munch. Granted we only went once but you know how it is to expect stuff to be there when you can fit it in.  I am definitely missing the kind of kinky people I got used to be around in TX. There are likely some here but we haven't met them yet. Going into town is a pain and most evenings we are too tired and drained to socialize with strangers. Bleh I guess I can't complain about lack of kinksters when I haven't made much effort to find them.  I believe people are right when they say it is harder to make friends the older you get. Not that I will stop trying but trying to have realistic expectations. 

"If the kid isn’t setting the table, clearing the table, loading a dishwasher, raking leaves, or taking the dog out, then  the kid should be paying rent.   " The above is a quote from an article I read today about the things you are doing wrong as a parent that makes your kid a brat. Now I had a problem with several things in the article, seriously giving the kids the opportunity to choose dinner makes them bratty, but the whole clean or pay rent thing bugs me greatly.  Chores should not be punishment for being a non rent payer, people without kids pay rent and do chores, imagine that! Chores are part of the cost of living in a clean comfortable environment and everyone living in it contributes. If my kid isn't doing some household chore(s) then I'm not teaching them that everyone kicks in to make the home comfy for all of us. We do chores because we all live here and as such we are all responsible for household upkeep.  I don't ge...

Whew it was a rough weekend, no sleep sick dog and lots of worry. Thankfully the pup made a full recovery (well almost full she still looks slightly drunk when running) but it was seriously touch and go for a while. I discovered she likes camomile tea and it's touted relaxing qualities are not mythical. All night Sunday she whined and growled and howled til I thought my heart would break. I assume it was the pain of her muscles waking up because early monday morning she was walking, walking like a drunk sailor on a ship but I was happy to see it. If you have never tried to cuddle a dead weight 66lb dog in your lap let me say, it's no easy feat. All my muscles are sore from lifting her head into her water bowl and constantly changing her puppy pads. Yesterday I gave the house a good scrubbing to get rid of the sick dog smell and I'm beyond glad that that unpleasant interlude is over.

Just when you think things are calming down life throws a curveball. Last night puppy 2.0 got into some medicine and was having major reactions so we rushed her to the vet.  After hours there what it came down to is that they would not treat her without a couple thousand right then and the treatment cost estimated around five thousand. Suffice it to say that was a bit out of our range. What really got me though was that was for a wait and see treatment. So we decided to take her home against medical advice.  Now she seems to be doing a mite better but she's no where near normal yet so we are hoping for the best.  Das is really torn up because he was the one not paying attention and left the meds within her reach. Honestly I swing between aggravation at him for simply not being more diligent (this is the second time she's gotten into his meds but the first time it wasn't bad) and just going with the "shit happens" attitude.  I'm pretty sure he will have a compl...

There is something very satisfying about eating grapes from your own yard. I enjoy the delights of the yard but I'm glad the trees and bushes were put in before me because plants should not come in too much contact with me since they seem to die.  Over the last couple of days I put together the dining room table, feeling much handier but man was I missing the electric dcrewdriver especially when it came time to use the wood screws. I thought my arm was going to fall off.  Tonight we were going over things that lower blood pressure since mine is still entirely too high. The dark chocolate gets my vote but I suspect the mean man is going to insist on cod liver oil. I am to be pitied. 

No parent likes to hear that they've failed their kid in any way but when you find out you sent them where you thought they would be safe only to discover that they had been mistreated it guts you. My younger son told me some about his time living with his dad and step mom. Well now I know why his dad has refused to talk about it, I think he knows I'd like to do him bodily harm. What kind of person makes a kid sleep on the floor as punishment? It wasn't the only issue, not even the worst but suffice it to say if I'd had any idea of how things would be there is no way I would have sent him. What gets me is that his dad let it all happen. He was right there and has even said that he didn't agree with her on some stuff but instead of protecting his son he allowed a partner who has major issues demean, control, and assault his child in the name of discipline. My baby boy is a good kid who will get through it but seriously I want to do major beatdowns. I can'...

I am slowly putting the things we picked up from Das' parents away. Still have to move the bookcase and chair into proper positions but I'm all happy because I single handedly assembled the dining room table! Chairs tomorrow, no need to wear myself out. I also lounged in the patio chairs soaking up sun reading my kindle. it has been a very good day.

So Friday we visited with Das' parents and a relative visiting from England. We had a good time and are too much and got back later than planned with more stuff than planned.  I was zonked yesterday and spent most of the day in bed until evening when I heard Das calling for water. He'd trimmed a tree and went to burn the branches in the kiln in the backyard and it caught fire due to stuck dampers.  As it quickly was getting out of hand firefighters were called and I must say hey we're very efficient. In no time they had things under control and the were able to minimize the damage to the park area on the other side of the fence. Downside to living in a park, wood and grass seriously flammable. Upside great emergency response time.  A bit more excitement than I had planned on so here's hoping today is seriously quiet. 

I've seen on fet that "can you leave?" has reemerged as a topic. Could be that it never left but since I don't spend much time on it anymore I didn't notice. Anyway whether or not I can leave hasn't been something I've given much thought to recently. Leaving just isn't on my agenda. But since I'm thinking about it now I would have to say no. I feel wrong when we are apart so the idea of actually packing up and going while not panic inducing, isn't pleasant. My biggest question these days isn't if I could leave but whether I'll be allowed to be confirmed. Hmm does this mean the kink is gone? ;)

What is a slave position and who decided that slave poses from the Gor books are the standard? I've come across references to slaves getting into position in several bdsm themed novels and it's always out there like everyone just knows and they are universal. In a few the books they don't even describe the position they just call it slave position and I guess I am meant to imagine it. I've never read the Gor books mainly because I tried and it didn't hold my interest but my complaint is not with the books. It is with these people, whoever they are, taking it upon themselves to declare positions described in the books as THE slave positions. Kink isn't monolithic that way and making stuff like that declarative seems to feed into the "they're doing it wrong" mentality. I saw the same type of thing happen the more the area I was in became saturated with leather folks. People weren't as fun a mix to watch (I love people watching) because sudden...

I'm coming out! Ok no I'm not but the damn song is in my head so all must suffer with me.  We were sitting on the love seat in Das' office chatting while he worked when I busted out laughing. Since he hadn't said anything funny he just gave me that look, the one that says he knew my breakdown was coming.  I had told him that I was rep opposing the master bedroom closet for my office since we don't actually keep clothes in it. It was looking around his office, bright and sunny and big enough for severs, a bookcase, two small dressers, (great for storing wires) a chair, and of course the love seat we were sitting on. I mentally compared it to my closet small, kinda dark (dark green walls do not lighten a room) and just big enough for the tabletop and an office chair with a bit of built in shelving.  The disparity between our offices and how they reflect our places in our relationship cracked me up since neither of us organized it that way on purpose.