Adventures in Emmieland

The last few days have been busy doing what I couldn't even say, just busy. After everyone has recovered from the revelling next week we are getting into high moving mode. There are more crates to be purchased and the truck to rent before the 15th so stuff to get done. Hopefully it will keep me busy enough to not be moping since Das goes back to work Monday. Since today is a good day for reflection being the last day of the year and all I've taken a few minutes to go over this year. It was probably one of the most difficult years I've ever had and yet I have to say I've never been happier. Even with all the stuff going on this year has brought a level of contentment I hope continues to grow. I'm already in bed so it's doubtful I'll be awake at midnight but I'm ok with that. If I am I'll toast it in with my watermelon soda and cherry crumble. It's way more appealing than black eyed peas and chitlins. One think I'm going to see if I can g...

We've returned from spending a couple of days with Das' parents. We were only going to stay over 1 night until they talked us into staying the next night and going to mass with them. Funny that it was his mom's suggestion and she's not even catholic. We had a really good time with them and man that sherry trifle was worth the near hangover :) I'm glad that we've had such positive interactions with them. Of course today we are dog tired, there will be some sleep inducing tea in my near future.

There was a post on fet that caught my eye about master's control over stuff and definitions of TPE. One master tried to clarify by saying that his original answer included many women who serve him in different capacities which accounts for the differing levels of control he has over them. That he has multiple dynamics makes sense to me but what doesn't is why he would answer questions in this group which is dedicated to M/s which includes TPE & CNC in a way that included his relationships that did not fit the scope of the group? Does he consider all of them slaves? And if he does how does he then differentiate slave, sub, bottom? Someone else brought up the idea that it's not what is directly controlled by the master but the idea that nothing is beyond the master's control if he wanted to control it, is what makes TPE in her mind brought forth a new slew of ideas, opinions and dissent among the group.

  So here we have the results of last night's beauty shop session. The red is hard to see except up close in the right light but more importantly you can no longer so squiggles of grey imitating a great deal of lint.

I have successfully colored my hair. I'm all for going grey, I think grey locs are quite attractive but I suck at the whole waiting for them to actually become more grey than not. What I currently have is just enough strands to look like lint so I convinced Das that that was simply not a good thing and he let me dye them dark reddish brown. Not that you can really tell since it's pretty close to my natural color except in the grey parts, looks like dark brown hair with red highlights which is how my hair has looked my whole life. Pictures will have to wait since it's already gone dark and all the flash I can find is still not bringing out a clear picture. Up side of landlord controlled heat is I'm warm. :) It's 4 degrees outside but in here it's toasty. I'll miss guaranteed warmth when we move, then it will be back to Das' idea of warm. I've gotten a card from both our building concierges which is really sweet of them. The night/weekend person to...

December is going by both super fast and super slow. Das said he is experience boredom b/c we have finished one stage but not properly started the other.  I don't feel bored, I feel restless. I've gotten as much done as I can while waiting on others to give me info/do their part. Next week we put the puppy into daycare and go visit parents for two days. I'm bouncy yet nervous although I know his parents are cool with me I still feel a bit edgy around them. Holiday season kinda sucks, I miss my kids.

Crazy dreams last night about sabotaged marriage bots and dragons. If I could remember it all I swear it would be an awesome sci-fi flick. Today has found me in the grips of a migraine so asleep for a good deal of the day. But still feeling better than I did Friday/Saturday so it's all good.

I was awake by 7am and mostly able to have a reasonable conversation so of course a friend and I were talking sex and birth control. She informed me that Medicare (which she qualified for during several of her unusual for this part of the worl number of pregnancies, does not cover any birth control outside of pills. Mind you this woman couldn't take the pills and without aid could not afford bc at all hence the several more than is customary for this part of the world number of children. I can't help but thinking whoever put this policy in place has never actually completed an economics class. Talk about short sighted, sheesh.

I've been sick since Friday with my sweet pup sleeping at my feet protecting me. No wonder people like dogs.

Today or I guess yesterday the puppy got a mostly clean bill of health. Other than that it was a quiet day, well at least it would have been quiet if they hadn't been doing demolition on the 9th floor which was so loud you could feel it through the walls. It's been going on for several days and Das and I both have non stop headaches. I'm starting to invent things that must be done away from home just to get a bit of relief. Went to a presentation on divorce and the annulment process given by a priest who works for the marriage tribunal in Toronto. He's married which I learned as a Byzantine priest is perfectly ok. Personally I think having a married priest on the tribunal adds something that most priest wouldn't have, an intimate understanding of the intricacies of marriage. Nothing like hands on experience. He was very sympathetic to most who want annulments and quite pro the changes recently made that make the process easier which was a nice change from the grum...

Once again my French lessons have been abandoned. I need us to hurry up, move and get situated so that I have the energy to concentrate and the privacy to sound terrible while working aloud. I think in general Das and I could inhabit a one room place and be good but I wonder how true that is. We both like things that are noisy and he dislikes me wearing headphones and sometimes I try to get away from the loudness of music when it's hitting an odd note in my head. We do however sit for hours in silence in the same room happily so I don't think I'll be requesting my own set of rooms just yet. Just a corner in the den.

Moving commences this weekend, so why haven't I started packing? Ever have so much to do that the very idea of starting makes you tired, that's where I am. Tomorrow, tomorrow I will buy some plastic bins for the stuff I plan to leave stored a while and start packing it. I talked to another friend tonight who says her M/s relationship was abusive. I think it can be nearly impossible from the outside to say because some of what we do anyone would call abusive so the question becomes the experience of the people in the relationship. My question though is can only one person say it was and that makes it so? What if one person simply sees it as the way that type of dynamic is run while the other sees it as too controlling and cruel then who is right? It's that kind of conundrum that makes M/s so touchy because no matter which side you are on the potential to be hurt is huge. But the rewards in my opinion at least, are totally worth it.

I haven't seen much written about the every day boring as hell bite your tongue because you'd rather be somewhere doing something else aspect of slavery.  Das is an intelligent man with varied interests, most of which I don't share. Hence the periods of mind numbing boredom. :)  We were talking about global economics today for a bit, intriguing as some of it is it's not something that I, on my own, spend much time talking about, which brings us to slavery. You know what I get to do when Das has a hankering to talk economics and I want to read a novel, talk about pop culture, take a nap... I get to talk about economics. I'm pretty sure that the torture of doing something you don't find interesting only because your master does is right up there with being a non masochist paired with a sadist. Might be worse since at least the kinky stuff might be sexy in a round about way but there is no sexy to be found in trying not to yawn while simultaneously working overt...

Today has been a way better day, things finally starting to fall into place starting with finding good winter boots for $40! They are so cute too. No more frozen toes during winter walks in the park for me!  

Not wanting to spark a huge debate in RCIA class I hadn't questioned (out loud) the whole birth control thing. I don't get though how not having sex during fertile periods on purpose in order to control family size is also being open to life and not doing anything that would obstruct creation. So is the argument against birth control about the method or the idea of not being "open to life"  because if it's the latter I can't think of anything less "open" than abstaining specifically to not chance pregnancy. And why pray tell is abstaining even an option for family size control. From a biblical point of view it's unsupportable. There is a passage in the new testament about husbands and wives not keeping themselves from each other except for periods of prayer and fasting. Notice the option of to make sure we don't have any(more) kids isn't mentioned.  And there is another passage that states that husband and wives don't own their ow...

This nearly complete lack of sleep is getting to me. I think I've consumed more tea in the last week than was tossed overboard in Boston. I have no idea why my tummy waits until bedtime to decide it is simply not happy with it's current state of affairs. Bleh. On the upside spankings have resumed and morale has definitely improved. As much as I fight against being a masochist there is no denying the exciting yet soothing nature of a spanking.

I think we are making a mini road trip later this morning. There is an absolutely adorable pup that we want to see if she'll be a good fit for our household but she's not close by. Any excuse to ride I'll take, i love riding in the car. My love of being in the car became such a family joke that I was given a theme song, Iggy Pop's The Passenger.  Of course if I don't get some sleep I'll miss all the cool scenery because I'll be conked out.  It's getting more difficult to sleep with these randomly placed pains plaguing me. I think this means I get more pillows so it's not all bad. 

The rainy blahness of the morning made me want to stay in bed and after getting up and about that urge was stronger. I managed to get up/dressed and ready to be productive and it all went down hill from there.  We had a meeting with a potential landlord set up about an hr away so we left in plenty of time to account for construction traffic. Somehow the traffic was light enough to get us there wayyyy early so we decided to duck into a wholesale warehouse. Our just looking turned into a pair of boots (me) a pair of jeans (me) and trackpants (him). We never just look I swear. So by the time we realized we were running late I texted to say we were 5 minutes away and right after that we came to a traffic halt due to a bad accident. We made it to the place ten minutes later but the landlord had texted me back saying he was leaving and had stuff to do. Since we were there anyway we decided to at least check out the outside and Das declared it "not the one". It didn't help th...

There is something weirdly fun about looking for a new place. We've decided that the city isn't quite the right fit for us anymore and with wanting to be closer to his parents as they get older we are looking a bit out. I love being able to decide lakeside or no, near a park or no, apartment building or converted house... A lot more options once you leave toronto I'm finding.

There are times when I feel my life story is being written by Lemony Snicket because seriously how much bs does one person need to deal with? As wrong as it sounds one of the things I like about reading other people's blogs is the realization that I am not the alone is feeling the universe has it out for me. It's not that I rejoice in other's hardships or wish anyone ill it's more of a comfort in seeing that it isn't al me, some of it is but not all and it's not unheard of for people to have periods (often recurring) of topsy turvyness. Right now we are dealing with new medications, looking for a new apartment, red tape in getting unemployment all while Das is looking for a new job. Not to mention the deadline I have before I need to either leave the country or have my visit extended. None of this is stressful at all, at least that's the story I tell. In reality, while I have a deeply held sense that things will work out I'm currently short on ideas ...

At what point is consent informed enough and when are actions deplorable but not criminal. I've seen a trend of criminalizing unethical behavior that strictly speaking isn't actually criminal. We seem to be losing the ability to separate and accept that there is a great area of something being an asshole move without it being a crime.  I started thinking about this again die to reading an article about a woman who posed as a man to have sex with her friend. http://www.lgbtqnation.com/2015/11/woman-who-posed-as-man-to-have-sex-with-friend-sentenced-to-eight-years-in-prison/2/      She was convicted of sexual assault.  In reading the article I saw that the friend consented to wearing a blindfold and having sex with a guy who was a virtual stranger. So consent was there, informed consent well that is rather subjective. How informed did she need to be and who makes that determination? When is a person not informed enough for the lack of information to be a crim...

We were talking about football aka soccer earlier and the discussion of young players still in the youth acedemies get picked. I have seen coaches say that this or that young player isn't fit to move up in the ranks because they don't score all the time which makes me crazy because anyone actually on a soccer team knows that you don't do best with a team full of strikers. People have wondered why the finding defensive players and good outfielders has become so difficult and I place much of the blame on the glorification of the striker which even those cultivating young players have fallen prey to. In a team sport it needs to be kept in mind that all the positions are important for the team as a whole to do well. It's great to have an amazing striker but what happens if they never get the ball because no one knows how to pass or if your team gets scored on constantly because no one can defend worth a damn. A team who is incapable of doing as well as they could if all t...

I think sometimes we as women are too quick to jump to the front with a solution in our relationships with men. I can't speak for lesbian relationships so I'm just going with what I have most knowledge of. An example of what I mean is we need a cheaper apartment and I started off looking myself, trying to figure out where is good and whatnot although I don't have a good enough knowledge of the area to make informed decisions. My attitude was that I had to do it b/c obviously Das wasn't going to and it needed to be done. Mind you I hadn't actually asked him to do it or even to help me, I just took of with an idea. Somewhere along the way I stopped., I was tired and making myself loopy because I wasn't the best person to make these decisions. I didn't throw a tantrum or even announce that I was removing myself from the apartment hunt. For about a week Das said nothing to me but unbeknownst to me he was looking himself and had come up with several viable op...

It's morning but I think it would be stretching it to say the day has dawned given how dark it is. A large grey cloud of fog is hanging out by my balcony and it has been raining, a perfect stay in bed eating bonbons (which I only recently learned is french for candy) but there are errands to run and a possible meet up with a friend of Das later. I think I'll be making chocolate cake soon because there should be chocolate cake for breakfast.  I couldn't even say what I've been doing the last few days but I seem to be busy. Talking to my dad this week has been odd. He's got a new girlfriend and this one seems to have sticking power. She sounds pretty nice and he sounds very happy. It's weird trying to figure out where the sarcastic impatient man who was with my mother has gone. Not that I don't think being nice is the better option just wondering why he's suddenly so capable of it. 

I don't think I'm moving my bum off this chair for the rest of the day. We decided earlier to combine my needing to go to the bank and post office with a trip to the dog park and somehow in all this I ended up walking around 2 miles. I'm pooped. And once again the water is off in my building so no soaking in a warm bath for me. This building has more issues with their pipes than anywhere else I've lived by far. This summer I swear they shut down the water at least once a week. I seriously hope they've fixed whatever it is this time. Luckily I got up rather early and made sure dishes were down and whatnot. Now to settle in for reading, napping and relaxing.

In trying to figure out the appeal endorphin rushes specifically from exercise, (I don't get the runner's high, when I run all I get is tired and crampy) I realized that I do get a high but only when I'm dancing. What we tried to pinpoint after that was if it was the activity of dancing itself or if it was the fact that I express myself sexually through dancing that gives it a different feeling from other forms of exercise. I decided it was the sexual aspect. In my case I'm lucky that most of my periods of hypersexuality are funnelled as flirting and dancing, relatively harmless with low risk activities as opposed to higher risk activities of indiscriminate sex. It's pretty funny how the intersection of my backround as a good girl and my low impulse control paired with high sexuality leads to being a very flirty person who while enjoying the back and forth inherent in flirtation has no desire to pursue further activities with anyone other than a given partner.

We are tea drinking, toffee loving insomniacs.  Our poor puppy looks quite put through that we aren't still in bed so horror of horrors, he has to curl up in his crate. Tomorrow (really later this morning) I get to have tea with a friend! woohoo go me leaving the house. :) Hope I don't fall asleep in my cup, tired but can't sleep sucks.

Sometimes it trips me out just how much Das takes care of me. We had some kind of chicken/rice curry dish for dinner tonight. Because tomato based sauces upset my stomach he made a cream based sauce of the curry, he also put rosemary in it in order to cut down on bloating. As we talked about how yummy it was he told me that spices are good for the kidneys b/c they help get toxins out of the body but through sweat thus reducing the stress on the kidneys. He also brings me specific teas that are diuretics and good for bloating. The man has not only researched my condition in a medical way he's found ways of helping my body create some balance that so thoroughly incorporate our lives I most times don't notice.  and of course he has found a multitude of creative ways to increase my veggie intake. It's sometimes easy for me to believe that he doesn't have me at the forefront of his mind due to stuff like him being terrible at keeping up on reading my blog so it's nice ...

Well now I know why petite pants never fit right. After taking the time to look up how to properly measure inseams Das and I measured mine. 29 3/4 inches which at 5' 2.5" is unusually high. Petite inseams are usually around 27 inches. Of course this does show that I'm not delusional in thinking I am long legged for a short girl. Of course the rest of my measurements are the reason I seriously need my own seamstress. None of the top three (chest, waist, hips) fall into the same size on a size chart, lol

I actually listened to an Adele song today for the first time. I've heard snippets before but never watched a video or deliberately listened to one from start to finish. Man, the sads are real. It takes quite a bit of talent to make you blue over a situation you aren't even in, lol. Mad props to her because the girl is good. I personally won't have her on my playlist because well, I prefer not being thrown into depression by song thank you very much.

There is nothing like having the kind of friends who you can show naked pictures of yourself and have them critique them and tell you how to make them more sultry. Being grown rocks. :)

Now I know why Das has been looking at me all concerned when he thinks I don't see him. In my quest to find cute leggings I needed to measure my waist hips and thighs and damn, when did I get a 39 inch waist? Even at my heaviest my waist wasn't that big and I'm quite a ways from that weight now. I totally have 4 month pregnant belly going on so he's freaking out because the reasonable explanation is that my kidneys have gotten huge(r) in the last year.  I'm glad that overall I'm feeling ok though, now if I can just find some damn leggings...

In a few weeks I'll get about 4 deliveries. I think I went a wee bit overboard buying rings, bails, and pendants to adorn my collar. No reason I can't be enslaved in style. I tried 3 different online stores so I'll have to see which one has the best service. So hard to be sure something is going to look right from a picture but I tried. My idea is to be able to switch them out to match my outfits or simply my moods. Das said I'm a very girly girl as he laughed at my enthusiastic fashion based plotting. He also trimmed my hair today so that it is finally cut the way I'd originally intended. Now I have to grow it back out but this time I'm pretty sure bottom of the shoulder blades is plenty long enough. Since I've sent in my annulment package my thoughts have started to turn towards hairstyles and dresses for the wedding. Not that we are anywhere near being able to actually plan for it yet but pre pre planning entertains me. Funny the stuff we do to destress...

It's been just over a week since I curled my hair this time and while they are loosening a lot they are still hanging around. Yesterday I opted for free curling but today I decided to try a faux hawk-ish style. I'm feeling it. I am still feeling like the top layers are too long though, trying to resist the urge to trim them more until it all gets a bit longer.   

I've heard a lot of people say that dating in the bdsm world is just like dating in the vanilla world. In fact I've probably said it myself but I think I was wrong. Reason being that dating non kinky has a lot of general support and structures to follow or deviate from somewhat but all in all people aren't winging it in the same way. Kinky dating whether you are looking for someone play compatible or looking for M/s or a combination thereof is walking off the beaten path. You can't date someone in a vanilla manner and know if you'll suit kink wise. To some degree you have to actually try it.  I guess some people who are specifically looking for some form of kink,  do date in a strictly vanilla manner initially then switch over when they feel comfortable with their person, but I can see that falling apart simply because you aren't actually getting to know the person in the manner in which you wish to relate to them. Now I'm not saying that in order for it...

Last week the class had a discussion about politics and abortion that left me thinking some of my classmates are crazy. One guy said that one couldn't be a good catholic and vote for liberals b/c of their pro choice stance and a couple others agreed. Someone even said that they went to voting booths and wrote on their ballot that they weren't voting for anyone because there were no pro life candidates. I somehow managed to keep myself from rolling my eyes but seriously? My statement that I don't think banning abortion was the way to go instead the focus should be on caring for people so that the choice to have an abortion wouldn't have such pull was met with many raised eyebrows. I honestly don't get why some people have such a difficult time with actions that show compassion but only in certain areas. It's difficult for me to reconcile people being all for forgiveness and love except in the case of a woman who has had an abortion. With the way these people we...

We went to celebrate Thanksgiving with Das' parents yesterday. It was a great time, they are quite entertaining. Somehow in the course of conversation his mom mentioned to me that she has a "necklace"  and "bracelet" just like mine. I told Das about it on the way home and he's all oh yea I guess I never told you about that. SMH In the pattern of parents everywhere we were sent home with gifts, coffee, a nearly entire pie (his dad snuck a piece since it is his favorite), sparkling waters, and a duvet plus 2 covers. Oh and of course leftovers from dinner and a freezer bag of brussel sprouts that she had picked off the vine herself and 2lbs of bacon.  At this rate we may not need to go shopping for quite a while, lol. I'm glad we are enjoying our time together and although his mom didn't let me take her picture this time she did say I could later. Today there will be lots of resting because we all helped to put the cover on the pool which included l...

It's pretty funny how much basic things can be so entrancing. We went to one of the bigger supermarkets today and I swear I was content to just wander around ogling all the offerings.  Grocery stores are like kryptonite for me, so much food! And because Das loves to spoil me he went out of his way to find a shop that sold English toffee and the brand of Irish tea I've been wanting. So now I'm sitting here toffee consumed sipping on tea and plotting on finding single serving of bread and sticky pudding. It's a simple life but I'm a simple girl so it works.

Since we can't take the pup with us on Sunday we decided to hire a pet sitter. After it was all arranged I told Das that I feel so very middle class, hiring an actual pet city and all. He on the other hand started laughing that his background was so privileged that he hadn't even thought about it, it's just what one does. This of course sent us into fits of laughter because we are so different in some ways and yet so similar in others.

Marriage is a sacrament and the sexual union between husband and wife is said to be the physical representation of God's love so why is it considered practically blasphemous to even suggest that Jesus might have been married?

Something hit me last night as I started to drift off to sleep. In catechism class our priest told us that the 10 commandments were direct from God and as such they had to be obeyed in a way that the laws in Leviticus didn't because they are the laws of men. Well he also said anything that Jesus said was the same thing, obedience to his direct words is mandatory without variation but the words of the apostles have to be understood in context. Well it hit me last night that in neither the 10 commandments nor the direct words of Jesus said anything at all about homosexuality. So by that argument it can be construed that homosexuality isn't actually something God is concerned with since the only speakings of it were in the "laws of men"  I haven't actually heard this argument before which doesn't mean no one has made it but it did highlight to me a certain flaw in the catholic thinking on homosexuality.

For some odd reason I was just thinking about all the arguments I've heard for years about how not disciplining your children means you hate them per the bible. Interestingly enough I've only heard this as a way of defending spankings. No mention is ever made that the word discipline when used as a verb means to teach.  I suppose one could say that teaching is done via spanking but I personally don't buy that. Teaching is done to promote understanding not to incite fear. You can certainly elicit compliance through fear but understanding well that takes a lot more effort.

Evil evil migraines for the last few days. Methinks I'm going to need to look into migraine meds and try to ease the stress in my life. My poor head. In happy news I have gotten the pup to actually use his crate. Amazing the difference relocating it and throwing a blanket in there makes. Slowly but surely the muttly is learning decent manners. How sad is it that I dance a happy dance when I get him to sit in the elevator especially if someone else is in it. a small thing but an oh so good thing.

After shopping today we came back to a note on the door: "dear neighbor, your dog barks all day when you aren't home. please make him stop, thank you"  Now please explain to me how I stop him from barking if I'm not home? Not to mention we are very rarely gone all day, nearly everyday I'm home all day.  Not to mention when we left today, he wasn't barking and when we got back (3 hrs later) he wasn't barking which is the usual situation. I've had a person who lives down the hall tell me that he barks occasionally but not for long so I'm rather suspicious of the all day barking claim. To say Das was not amused is an understatement of epic proportions. Hopefully we will be able to find a townhouse or something without so many neighbors right on us b/c this city living with the pup is not working for me. The people one side of us have kids that scream bloody murder for several hours most days. While I sympathize with their plight I'd still rather...

After reading a post about the pope on a blog I tend to enjoy if not always agree with I started thinking about why the blogger's post on Pope Francis are so much harsher than her posts on other religious leaders. There was an irony to the fact that she had previously written a blog post admonishing the attitude of defeatism inherent in the "life isn't fair get over it" proclamation of a different blogger. she spent a great deal of time and effort explaining why although we know life isn't fair that should not prevent us from working towards helping things be more fair by being active in social justice.  She also writes mostly about fundamentalist, evangelical, quiverfull, conservative christianity of various styles with an eye to nuance and condemning the bad while highlighting the good and seeking to understand as well as explain the complexity of the people involved in these sects. However in her post on the pope there was no nuance, there was a distinct dism...

As I was catching up on some blogs I like one of the post I came across was about a convicted pedophile who had married and had a child and was now back in court over a situation with said child. While I found the post well written what impressed me the most was the comment section. There were several people who made good points about the nature of pedophila and that fact that it's not a crime, molesting children however is a crime and should be treated as such. I loved the sheer civility of the various commenters expressing concern for children, as well as concern for those with an attraction to children who ideally would get much needed community support in order to not harm any children but realistically most often don't. Although people disagreed it was never ugly and everyone was of one accord in the need to protect children. Maybe if even such a conversation can be held on even one blog it paves the way for truly sharing information which could lead to everyone gettin...

I am the proud owner of a Toronto library card as of today! We have been trying to get out more since being inside all the time isn't doing either of us any favors in the mood dept. so we walked to the closest branch this afternoon besides I've got to get some vitamin D whenever possible as I tend to have low levels.  There was a huge section of the library that held the african & caribbean history collection. Actually it's only 1/4 of the entire collection it's spread out over different locations. I see that I could spend a lot of time just delving into it. Think I'll be spending a lot of time at the library.

I had the dubious pleasure of having to deal with someone in a helping position recently who had very firm ideas about what someone needing the assistance I requested looked like. Apparently I am not it. How dare I look healthy and happy not downtrodden and run down, the nerve!  It drives me crazy how people decide based on no actual facts who you are, what you need and what you deserve. Sheesh.

It drives me a bit batty when I see posts on fb celebrating the parenting skills of people who go out of their way to embarrass their children, particularly over relatively minor things. Why is it that we swear you should parent your kids using overwhelmingly negative methods? Is it really that counter intuitive to treat kids with respect, talk to them like people and have a care for their feelings? I know kids don't have the same life experience as adults but damn. If we treated coworkers/neighbors the way we treat kids everyone would be calling us assholes if not criminals and rightly so.

It's interesting how 2 people can see and interpret the same events differently. Talking to Das this weekend we went over changes in our relationship and when/why we thought they were occurring. We agreed on the changes but our ideas of the impetuous were different enough that we had to discuss why we saw things the way we did. In the end we were able to see each other's pov. He thought our relationship has undo most significant changes after we married. I thought they came after his ex left. We decided to split the difference. :) I guess any major life event brings changes, the key is approaching them in a mindful way and being open to what works.

Wednesday we spent the day at a provincial park and afterwards Das drove me through the town he grew up in. To top off the tour we stopped at the truckstop he worked at in his teens. Sometimes a day of simple pleasure is exactly what's needed. The man walked me til my legs nearly fell off but it was great. Only downside was the lack of actual restrooms at the park. I tried to use the porta potty but could not make myself go through with it, lol. Yea I'm a bit of a princess. :)

Today has been eventful and fun. On top of picking up the car we cuddled, Das was inexplicably turned on by me eating lunch which led to my being molested while trying to eat. The oddest things can be sexy to people. Then there was a cuddly nap after which he took the dog to the dog park. Since he's been home we've been having music and dancing. I finally watched the Watch Me video which of course involved us trying all the dances featured on it. Let's just say it's a good thing for our dignity's sake that there is no streaming video of our efforts. We looked silly but we had a good time. I even got him to dance with me to Worth It and he convinced me that you can dance to Prodigy and The Chemical Brothers. We are rounding out the night with The Art of Noise then I think the bed will be calling our names. Tomorrow we are going to the beach!!! So excited, must pick up plastic bucket and shovel set to do this right for I have sand castles to build! In the immortal wor...

Celebrations are in order because I have finally finished all 8 essays for the tribunal. Most of the other paperwork is done too just need to insert a few zip codes. Tomorrow I'll get everything copied and ready to be witnessed then mailed off. Whew. I certainly hope what I wrote is the kind of thing they were looking for because I'm so done.

So there is this thread on fet about monitoring s-types. The original poster mentioned something about loving the trust involved in PE relationships and also listed a bunch of monitoring methods. Lots of folks either took offense or thought that the act of monitoring bespoke a lack of trust or at least wasn't a good way to nurture trust.  A couple of folks mentioned doing it for the sake of safety and one said he'd done it at his slave's request because it was hot. Some not so friendly but still civil discussion ensued. I'm wondering if one way to look at monitoring and being monitored is about trust but unlike the way it seems to be usually interpreted. I'm assuming that it takes a good deal of trust on the slave's part to hand over that kind of accessibility. They trust their master to not use information gathered with ill intent. It's interesting to me that I've seen a lot of posts talking about how much slaves trust their masters with their lives b...

the last few days have been serious rollercoastering. Yes things are working out exactly how I need them to, yay. Just kidding, we the universe felt that you needed some exercise so have fun on that pitfall course, oh by the way it's rigged.

Reading someone else's blog post where she talked about a sort of acquaintance finding out she was divorced and asking why. This goes into my "who does that?" file because seriously who asks someone they don't know well enough to know the person is divorced in the first place why they divorced? Hell even from close friends and family it can be a pretty intrusive question. Not saying I'm not highly interested in people's lives (ie nosey as hell) but sometimes silence is the way to go.

We watched some of the Labour Day parade from our balcony. I felt for those folks because it is crazy hot today with a thick layer of humid to solidify your discomfort. Sometime I really like living here because so many of the big events in Toronto happen along our street or pretty darn close but today I would have been ok living further out due to the planes. The poor dog thought the dogpocalyps was upon us with all the sonic booms happening way too close by. I am grateful he's not skittish or prone to peeing/pooping/barking when startled. Watching him jump off the couch running in circles trying to find the source of the sound was kinda funny in that "all kinds of wrong" kinda way. Das and I have both been using this weekend to rest. He's been working too hard and I've been overtaxing myself so the last couple of days with nothing on our plates was hugely needed. Too bad we didn't get to visit his parents though, the drive would have been more fun this tim...

I sometimes wonder how much of enjoying life is as simply and complex as deciding to enjoy it? Having fallen into depression on multiple occasions I know it's a real force but how does it really lift? The medications definitely helped but did the fact that I have always striven to find some joy in something in life even when only able to grasp a tiny sliver of happiness, spark something in my mind that helped pull me back into truly living? I don't think it's as simple as decide to be happy and boom instant euphoria but I am thinking the decision has a hand in the eventual reemergence of the happy.

After the brain drain of writing some of the essays last night I decided to go for ease today.  So I built things and danced around in my underwear  before relaxing into reading the queerest version of Pride and Prejudice I've ever heard of. It's one long book, so far I've read this one and Pride & Prejudice and Zombies but I haven't actually read the real book. Guess I'll have to get on that but without animated dead people or gay/straight/lesbian sex just how interesting will it be?  A literary critic I'm not. It has been crazy hot and humid the last few days. I was seriously contemplating taking the dog for his walk in my boxers. In the end I put on shorts but I'm still wondering if I could have gotten away with it. The freedom to walk around naked has come in handy in this weather. I just need to make sure I buy some warm lounging pajamas before winter. I did it! Finally kicked butt and finished the first dresser. Exhibit A While I was sla...

So much sex on my mind. For a few weeks my libido seemed to have disappeared but thankfully it's back. One thing that made it difficult was although my desire for sex was at tiny ember level I couldn't do anything on my own to spark it.  Frankly I am not good at self pleasure. While I love the feel of my hands on my body in general it doesn't feel sexy. For that I need him. I'm sure there are a plethora of reasons that I should be going all in on my own but meh I'm not built that way. I'm glad he was ready and willing to cajole me back to normal because now we are both reaping the fruits of his efforts. In news unrelated to my sex life my mood has been coming up. Yesterday I teared up while watching one of those too sweet for words videos. I'm feeling something besides bleak irritation. One thing that helped was going to mass. Something about the ritual of it all is calming and centering. The other thing was reading, in reading I can tap into all those bur...

I'm beginning to think life enjoys toying with me. Das is working and we have a place and a car so things are looking way up from a few months ago but still little things here and there keep creeping up making life just a tad more complicated. Banks that want to put extended holds on paychecks, jobs that don't do direct deposit, kidneys that insist on hurting when I sit upright more than 10 minutes, regular life stuff that I'm not feeling wholly up to tackling right this minute. On the other hand I'm still quite happy about my hair. It is feeling so light and easy that I find myself tossing my head just to feel it bounce. Everyone has their thing I guess. I'm still gathering the ummph to start on my essays. Monday is as good a day as any to start a project so that is my goal now. Get at least one section done this week, two if I get on a roll. But first a nap.

Molloy has decided that he cannot be contained. I put him in his crate and in the time it took me to get laundry from the basement he had somehow freed himself. No wonder he didn't fuss when I put him in if he knew he could escape, lol. The trails of having a clever pup. Now in his mind everything is perfect, He's laying on my feet I guess to keep me from getting uppity and trying to leave the room, lol.

I sat in the house most of today. Got up to take the dog out and to get lunch but otherwise I sat in the same spot all day. I'm finding I have no oomph. Sleep is eluding me again, down to 3 hrs and those generally after dawn. Everything feels like a huge bother to do which isn't good. I've been down this road before and the scenery sucks. Hopefully pushing to make myself take at least one walk a day and setting up a schedule so stuff actually gets done will keep me from going too far down.

Today was a catch up on all business I wasn't here to attend to day. Whew, glad everything is back on track now.  I take much pride in the fact that today I not only took the streetcar by myself, I transfered onto the subway and did not get lost either coming or going. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this public transit business. I practically collapsed around 1:30pm just wiped, luckily for the crazy puppy that was after I'd fed/walked him. He was all for a nap all curled up on me the lazy mutt.  Now I'm just awake enough to crave dinner. In hair news, today is day 3 of the pipe cleaner curls and I've still got some bounce. Next time I'll let them dry completely, maybe a hood dryer is in my new future. I'm not relishing the idea of wet hair in winter here.

Yesterday I washed and rolled my hair on pipe cleaners. Although I took them out this afternoon before my head was fully dry I'm quite happy with the results. And still trippin' about how much lighter my head is.                                                              Before After

Hungry shopping never ends well or rather it ends too well. On this occasion we have lemon tarts, apple tarts, gelato, and cheese cake. I was craving something sweet and it all jumped in my cart. Luckily Das oversaw the buying of actual food and as a result we had a lovely stir fry. I'm liking this electric wok. This morning I set to work righting the things that had been neglected during my week away. I cleaned and took care of business then I fixed my hair the best I could and snuggled with the puppy. My hair had me muttering because when I asked him to cut it I was very specific about what I wanted. I'm reminding myself that it's only hair, it will grow back in a yr or three to the length I originally wanted. Probably just in time for our wedding which we haven't actually scheduled yet. I'm so glad to be home.

I got some fun time in with my fam last night. We went to a drive in, not to see a movie but to get some of the best ice cream ever. I got a large cone big mistake, lol. No one told me the large was nearly as big as my head. It was delicious though.  Then my cuz and I watched movies, well in the way that I do just checking in every few minutes to catch up on the plot. Since we watched 2 at a time it made for a silly rather confusing time but I wouldn't trade it in. In a few hours I am back on the train headed into canada. WooHoo homeward bound! 

On my way back to Das tomorrow. It's been a crazy week all kinds of highs and lows culminating in a haircut. I must say my thought of waist length hair is so not happening anytime soon, my neck was way too pained to continue on that way, lol. My adorable 20something male cousin chopped it for me. Didn't do too shabbily either. For my last night with my aunt, uncle and cousins I am going to eat peach cobbler & ice cream, laugh and be thankful for a loving family.

Even though we are all sad we are having fun telling tall tales and nearly forgotten family stories. Having so much love around makes things easier.

I took the first train ride (12 hrs) that I remember yesterday from Toronto to Albany, NY then turned around and rode for about 11 hrs to NC so I am too pooped to pop.  Sadly it's not a pleasure visit, my mom passed on Monday and I'm here for her funeral.  I'm so glad that I've seen and talked to her recently. I can't imagine how I'd feel if we hadn't been in contact. The outpouring of love from my friends has been very heartening. A long weekend ahead followed by a long week back.

Since it's a nice slow weekend morning and I didn't want to watch soccer I decided to mess around with my camera. I hadn't had a chance to play with the remote control Das got for me right before we left TX so no time like the present. I must say for ease of taking even standing up shots I love it! Now if I can just get the right lighting I'd be in business. I did get better the longer I was at it and even got Das to sit for me once. Need more models, I have way more pictures of myself than should be allowed. Oh well at least I'm cute. :) P.S. day 4 of the twist out, not too bad. I'll be doing this style again soon. Next work intensive style will be rolling my hair on pipe cleaners right after washing. I can only hope the curls from that have as good holding time.  

It has occurred to me recently that I need bigger clothes. Not bigger everywhere but bigger in an it hurts when things constrict my well rounded tummy, way. Since all my recent growth has been in my belly. I'm think possibly maternity jeans and leggings that have a flat waistline and more blousy shirts and high waisted dresses. PKD wreaks havoc on a wardrobe, sigh.  Today's first attempt at non belly hugging shirt below. Picture quality not great due to low light but it wasn't a glamour shot so I'm cool. As an aside I twisted my hair after washing and left them in for a few days. Took them out yesterday and am still rocking waves today. A darn sight better than them lasting an hour or so when I do it dry. yesterday's hair

I read something today where some said pop culture was what causes people to judge. It started me thinking about what makes pop culture worse in this way than any other kind of culture? So far I haven't come up with anything because as I'm looking at it an element of judging outsiders is intrinsic to all culture/sub culture groupings. I'm going to have to give this more thought.

At the wee hours of the morning I watched a video on twin flames. I'd never heard of twin flames before so it was pretty interesting to me. Although I hadn't heard the name I'm intimately acquainted with the type of relationship that was described. It's pretty neat how you don't have to be aware of something or even necessarily hold a belief in it in order to experience it. Something that struck me was the part of the description about the beginning of these relationships. It was said that early on there is testing and obstacles from outside that make being together difficult. I can attest to that, lol. Das and I had a crazy beginning where the only thing not in question was that we were inexplicably drawn to one another. That isn't said to minimize the importance of the relationships we were already in but to illustrate just how compelling it was for us to be together that we jumped through crazy hoops to make it happen. One thing that was said was "I ...

It's been a while since I pulled out the good camera so today I decided to mess around with it. Nothing fancy just sitting on the bed trying to figure out lighting and angles for self portraits since that is most of what I take. I don't remember it being this difficult, sheesh after about 45 minutes of fiddling, taking a picture and fiddling some more I got tired. And only one ok-ish picture to show for it!  I am thrilled with my remote though. A lot easier than the self timer. sadly it's not that long so it can only be used up close.  I'm glad to finally be coming out of my bleh zone and doing things I love. Sadly it didn't occur to me to bring my camera yesterday when we went to the caribbean festival. So many photo ops missed with the wonderful costumes in the parade and the brightness everywhere. I'll remember next year.

I've been laying here thinkibg about fitting in. As long as I can remember I have not felt that I fit in anywhere. It used to cause me a great deal of distress but these days I have mostly come to terms with it. Some of my earliest memories are of me and a few other children playing in the park next to my house when I was around five. It never ceased to amaze me that those other kids knew some secret unspoken language and a set of rules for interacting that I was clueless about. In middle and high school I had a couple of home base friends but I flitted from group to group trying to determine my perfect fit. When I was hanging with the brainy kids I got restless and bored with the seemingly never ending academic conversations. On the other hand when I hung out with the kids who had more antics and less inclination towards academics I got bored with the lack of mental stimulation and slightly horrified by some of their antics. In my early twenties I thought I had found my place i...

Das told me he thought I was getting the drinks he'd left in the car after his shopping trip. I said I hadn't planned on it and he told me not to be so lazy. It's true I am terribly lazy. I'm also obedient so even though I was happily nestled in my chair I got my butt up and retrieved the drinks.  It tickles me that even though I would rather spend my time reading and doing whatnot on the computer when it's a case of us both being lazy all he has to do is tell me what he wants done and I do it, mostly with a good attitude. I think he is the only person I know who is completely unphased by my laziness. He takes it in stride knowing that with a word he can have me hopping. There is something sexy and comforting about it. Some people really get off on always being of active service me not so much. I get off on being indulged maybe because it is so clearly indulgence and the knowledge of its precariousness reinforces our dynamic. 

Thinking about an interaction I had last night in class. Two female students who I particularly like decided to sit on either side of me. I looked at them and said how I enjoyed being surrounded by great people and immediately one of the women started telling me that I should never put myself down nor allow anyone else to do so.  She also began telling me in what ways she finds me wonderful. I like compliments as much if not more than the next person but I was taken aback that she assumed that for me to express pleasure in someone else then I must think lowly of myself. Not sure where that comes from since it's not at all the case.

I've watched several tutorials and decided to try pipecleaner curls again. They came out better this time and I figured out that I really need to put them in when my hair is wet and how to install them without tangling my hair. Since this was a trail run I wasn't expecting perfection but I'm pretty happy with my results. Since they aren't tight I doubt they will last long but I'm not giving up!

Humiliation or being degraded is a topic that's popping up frequently of late. I think about some of the stuff we indulge and someone outside of us would be appalled and worry about my self esteem but I enjoy it. Some people have stated that they like it and don't ever feel humiliated but I can't say that. Sometimes I feel extremely humiliated and I'm ridiculously easy to embarrass, the thing is going there is in itself pretty hot. I like the naughtiness of it. Now when things start getting touchy for me is when we are doing a lot of humiliation stuff when playing back to back time and again with no variation. That starts to mess with my mind. I find variety of approaches to play needful. Sometimes I just need the reassurance of sweet words and cuddles. My ease with it also is affected by my base mood and the level of emotional sensitivity I'm currently working with. For example there are times when a fantasy of being shared is hot and other times when it just mak...

We took a road trip this weekend and I finally met his parents. Now given my track record with my spouses' parents I was understandably nervous but I am happy to say it went very well. Although I am not all that chatty when I first meet people we muddled through and had a few good laughs. By the end of the visit I was even gifted with hugs! Hopefully we will go back soon as I enjoyed their company and I love hearing about Das as a child.

I was reading the writings of a slave on fet who really enjoys humiliation. Now I can get down with some of that kind of play myself so the idea isn't completely foreign but the scope of things she talked about had me reading it and thinking she was nuts to be with someone who treated her that way.  I didn't think that she should not have obeyed b/c hey that's what you do, what I was thinking however was what a jerk her master came across as. One story in particular jumped out at me that had me calling him all kinds of names. Long story short she recounted one of the times that he'd had her pee on herself in a store. Das doesn't have me ask permission to pee but I know some people who do and that in and of itself is no big deal to me. If he'd refused her bathroom request at home or at a kink event where they had clean up materials on hand, no problem. The thing I could not get past is he intentionally made her pee on herself (and therefore on the floor around ...

I love You Tube, I swear you really can find anything on there. I was talking to Das about needing some kind of scarf or something to keep my hair tidy and away from the dog hair my puppy is forever shedding and came across a tutorial on making your own loc sock. Since I had a couple old pairs of leggings it was on! Now I have neat hair that's not in something so tight as to give me headaches. I'm also a wee bit loopy from pain meds so Wheeeee!